Eleanor: Chidi, have Janet translate the gibberish of these files. Tahani, continue working on the welcome party.
Tahani: Oh, yes, the party. So, for the napkins, I would normally do a queen's tuck, but I was thinking of shaking things up a bit with a Yorkshire butterfly. And this could not matter less. Very sorry. Good-bye.

Tahani: Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: Give me your opinion. Is this a savage insult? "Nice shirt. Who designed it? Marc Fake-obs?"
Janet: For people in your social class, that is 84% savage. Although there is a 29% chance he responds, "Oh, honey," in a tone so devastating you will think of it every day for the rest of time.
Tahani: I like those odds. I'll go lay it on him now. No. That's exactly what the Bad Place wants me to do. They sent John here to drag me back into my old patterns. Insecurity, obsession with social status. I shan't let it happen.

Jason: Oh, dip. This means Janet didn't dump me. Her weird sister did.
Tahani: Everything makes so much more sense. All of Janet's ideas were so counterproductive. She brought the horse monster to life. She forced me to antagonize John. She got us to doubt Eleanor's leadership skills.
Bad Janet: Oh, I was just about to launch an idea where Tahani was gonna give herself an asymmetrical haircut.
Tahani: You monster.
Bad Janet: Thank you!

Eleanor: That was insane, but we got through it together.
Tahani: No, we didn't. You got through it. I almost ruined it a hundred times. From now on, I'm just gonna stick to throwing parties 'cause it's the only thing I'm good at. [Eleanor scoffs and fake sobs] Hey! What?
Eleanor: When I said throw a party, I didn't mean a pity party.
Tahani: This isn't a pity party. I'm genuinely sad. The only thing I can do is throw pointless parties. You run the entire neighborhood. You're so capable. I have seen you get stuck in any manner of crazy situation, and you always figure a way out.
Eleanor: Yeah, man, because I have had to scrape and claw my way through life, and you grew up in a castle full of diamond lamps and golden pillow cases. You never learned how to think on your feet. Look, if the roles were reversed and I had to throw a fancy party to save all of humanity, I promise we'd be screwed because I wouldn't know what salad fork to put next to the... whatever spoon.
Tahani: The Whatever Spoon is really only used for certain festive jellies.
Eleanor: See? Babe, the dodos in that house are literally the four most important human beings in the universe. I wanted you to take care of them because I trust you. Plus, your parties aren't pointless. They're opportunities for them to bond and form friendships. You know, the thing we need them to do so we're not all tortured forever?
Tahani: You're right, and thank you. But if we ever get through this, I want to learn how to do something meaningful. A real skill. Something helpful and fulfilling.
Eleanor: Okay, man, if we survive this, I promise I will support you while you learn to weld or whatever. Deal?
Tahani: Deal.

Simone: Tahani, cancel your plans. We're gonna split a bottle of wine and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.
Tahani: Oh, dear. Perhaps we shouldn't make fun. He did seem nicer on the ski trip. He made us all s'mores. Though, to be fair, he did also claim to have invented them.
Simone: Before you defend him, you might want to check out Chip Driver's love interest.
Tahani: Oh, no.

Eleanor: So, today was bad. Today was very bad. Everyone, for sure, lost a bunch of points. And I don't have a solution.
Tahani: Okay. Well, let's reset. I'll do something mildly iffy, and let John make a small, good decision to help. I could tell him I'm going to get ombre highlights and let him talk me out of it.
Eleanor: What's wrong with ombre highlights?
Tahani: Eleanor, please. This week has been hard enough.

Tahani: Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Eleanor: Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Jason: Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.
Janet: If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that...
Tahani: Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.

Tahani: I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life, a bar in a house she was not invited to. Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
Eleanor: Well...
Tahani: But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out... I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.

Michael: You all have been hand-selected to be the very first Bad Place Architects who will learn the new system.
Megan: Why do we need a new system? Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.
Tahani: With all due respect, "It's the way it's always been done" is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny...
Steve: Exactly. See? This chick gets it.

Michael: All right, fine. Take a seat. Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
Vicky: Oh, no, I don't... I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well. Self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
Tahani: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter... 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the Sun. I'm tall.