Simone: Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real and neither are you. [sings to herself] I'm in a coma and none of this is real...
Eleanor: [to Michael] Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, but... she is wearing the hell out of those foam fingers.

Eleanor: You know what, Simone? Think of it this way. If this is really all a hallucination, doesn't it seem kind of basic? I mean, surely, your brain would imagine something weirder than just a nice cocktail party?
Simone: Oh, you mean like that?
Derek: [on projected screen] Attention, I have been Dereked.
Simone: That's probably my doctor. Oh, this is all in my head. I'm gonna go eat a knife.
Derek: [on screen] Attention. Murder has been me.

Tahani: Um, Simone, where's Chidi?
Simone: He decided to just stay at home and read. He said swimming in lakes scares him. To be fair, most things scare him.
Tahani: Well, never fear, you all stay and enjoy the full-sized sandwiches. I shall go and fetch Chidi. [chuckles] Tahani is on the job.

Simone: "Chip Driver pulled up to the murder site in his 1968 Cadillac. 'Keep it close' he growled to the valet, Luis. 'Of course, Senor,' said Luis, who secretly admired Chip more than even his own father."
Tahani: "Chip gazed at the sexy outline of the murder victim on the floor. 'What a waste of curves,' he growled. He checked his Rolex watch, which was real. It was almost golf o'clock, so the case would have to wait. Good thing he'd already solved it. The killer was Luis, the valet."
Simone: He solves the murder on page ten. What is the rest of this book about?

Eleanor: Simone. Uh, I have been thinking about those very good questions that you asked me. And I'm sorry for the delay. The ancient scrolls I had to consult were very hard to roll back up. Um, anyway, I thought about what you should say to Brent when he asks for your opinion of his novel.
Simone: Me, too. I have a great idea. I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
Eleanor: Well, listen, you're absolutely right that Brent needs to evolve, but there may be a more subtle way to make that happen.

Simone: Okay, we're not leaving yet. I need to show you all something. This is the result of months of observation. Now, I know you're gonna think I'm crazy.
John: No, why would we think that?
Simone: But there is something wrong with this neighborhood. And it involves the people in this room.

Chidi: Well, I swore I wouldn't tell, and keeping your word is a central tenet of deontological ethics.
Simone: Aw, so romantic.
Chidi: Okay, let's assume certain things are odd about this place. What is your theory?
Simone: I don't know. Maybe this isn't the Good Place. Maybe it's a test. My best guess, it's some kind of experiment. We're being observed in a closed environment.
Tahani: Simone, look at this logically. We are in paradise. There's fresh air, mountains, Janet. And yes, some of us are under 5'10", but other than that, it is literally perfect here.
Simone: No, it is not. Jason is proof. And if you need more evidence that this isn't the Good Place, clearly he's not the only one who doesn't belong.
Brent: Actually, she's right, and I know it for a fact.
Chidi: For the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.

Simone: You guys, let's take a picture! Everyone get in, get in, and say, uh... Oh! Say "ventromedial prefrontal cortex"!
All: Ventromedial prefontal cortex.
Jason: Jaguars rule!