Jason: I am here to learn about ethnics.
Chidi: Wow, that's great, man. I mean, it's "ethics," but that's great.
Jason: [quietly to Eleanor] Pretty sure it's "ethnics."
Eleanor: Hey, buddy, I'm proud of you. This is your first step towards not sucking.
Jason: Cool. I just have two questions: when are football tryouts? And does this school have a prom?
Chidi: Oh, no.
Eleanor: Oh, wow. For the first time ever, I'm the smartest kid in class.

Jason: Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Chidi: Um... Okay, what?
Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug, and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.
Jason: Thanks! [raises hand]
Chidi: Um... Uh, yes, Jianyu?
Jason: Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
Chidi: Go ahead, man.
Jason: Yes! [runs out]

Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
Tahani: What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
Tahani: No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.
Jason: My name is Jason Mendoza. I'm from Florida. And I'm a professional amateur DJ.
Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?
Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person. How did you get here?
Jason: I don't know, but, please, dawg, you can't tell Michael about me.
Tahani: You have some nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house. Disgusting.
Jason: Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Michael: I just want to make sure that I have this right. Um... Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
Jason: I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
Michael: And you two are married.
Jason: Hells yeah, homie. We love each other. She makes the bass drop... in my heart.

Michael: Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad. Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?
Jason: Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me. [beep] And... I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare. [beep]
Michael: Did you ever have a personalized license plate?
Jason: Yeah, dawg. "I LUV BUTTS". [beep]
Michael: Have... Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Jason: Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times. [beep] I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar. [beep] Oh, that was another serious crime I committed. I should have mentioned that earlier. [beep] Is it just me, or am I acing this test?
Michael: Oh, this is bad. Oh, this is so, so bad. Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are... you're so much worse.

Eleanor: Janet, please, we have to go.
Janet: I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
Eleanor: Buddy... Come on, we gotta go.
Jason: I don't wanna go to the Bad Place. It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: Yo, I ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff.

Jason: Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things. Let's look at this ethnically.
Chidi: Ethically.
Jason: You guys helped me and Eleanor, right, but we're bad, so you helping us was bad. It's basic consequentialism: the morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.
Chidi: Great. The one time you actually remember something from class.
Jason: Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here, I just tried to stay out of everyone's way. Chidi's done worse stuff than me. He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
Chidi: I was trying to stop you from doing it!
Jason: Yeah, but you did it. He who smelt it murdered Janet.

Jason: I'm not going. I don't wanna.
Eleanor: Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it. Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are. We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job. Well, I did a good job. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.
Jason: [making fart noises] I could never do that on Earth. This place truly is paradise.

Janet: [enters with Jason] Hi, Eleanor. This person would like to speak with you... privately. About something.
Eleanor: Oh, really?
Janet: Yup. Bye! [disappears]
Eleanor: [whispers to Chidi] This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.
Michael: Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away.
Jason: Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Eleanor: Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Jason: I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.
Jason: Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. [laughs] They won't.
Jason: Okay, well I just have, like, 12 more Jaguar questions...
Eleanor: No, you don't. Hey, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Do you have something shiny Jason can play with?
[Jason gasps as Janet hands him a sparkler]