Rose: Wait a minute. If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?
Blanche: [laughs] Oh, that doesn't say "Bed".
Rose: Right there, it does.
Blanche: Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell "Bed"?

Dorothy: Look, could we get back to lining the shelves?
Blanche: I don't feel like it anymore.
Rose: What do you wanna do instead?
Blanche: I know. Let's rent an adult video, drink mimosas and French-kiss the pillows.

Woman #1: Did you say Claude Livaudais?
Louise: Yes.
Woman #1: My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.
Woman #2: Yankee.
Louise: No, no, I can explain.
Woman #1: Fie.
Woman #2: Traitor.
Blanche: Oy vey.

Dorothy: Blanche, I didn't know you went out. Are you coming back from a date?
Blanche: You know, Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.
Dorothy: Honey, If you didn't have a date, how come you're so dressed up?
Blanche: Well, I sat down and tried to think of a surefire place to meet men. It was so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. The hardware store. I mean, hardware stores are alive with sexual energy. Tools, plugs, sockets, nude furniture, dirty stuff like that.
Sophia: Why are you home so early?
Blanche: Well, I saw a very attractive man in power tools. I piqued his interest with the usual hardware questions. "Where does this go?" "What does this do?" And he followed me to plumbing, where I bought a see-through shower curtain.
Dorothy: And, uh, where is he now? Tied to the roof rack of your car?
Blanche: No, there was something about him that turned me off. I think it was the way he cleaned his ears with his keys.

Dorothy: Why are you getting so upset? Blanche, you see older men with younger women all the time. I mean, it's very common. Look at John Derek and Ursula Andress. John Derek and Linda Evans. John Derek and Bo Derek. You know, maybe it's not so common. Maybe it's just one guy who gets around.

Blanche: Here you go, Rose. I finished my work.
Rose: Well, turn me upside down and paint me blue!

Blanche: I've got to do something. I can't just sit idly back and let this wedding take place. Oh, how in the name of Mother Dixie can a woman named Zbornak appreciate the majesty of Hollingsworth Manor?
Sophia: Sitting on the veranda with her mother.
Blanche: And what makes you think the newlyweds are gonna welcome you on the premises?
Sophia: What are you saying?
Blanche: Uncle Lucas may not be as fond of nasty, hateful, life-scarring barbs as the rest of us are.
Sophia: And your point is?
Blanche: Dorothy and Lucas may not want you around.
Sophia: Say, there's a fly in the Metamucil.

Blanche: Uncle Lucas is nothing of the sort. Dorothy, he is so excited about this date because I gave him a full description of you.
Dorothy: Well, I can understand that. I mean, women like me don't grow on trees.
Sophia: Too bad. We could use the shade.

Stan: "And most of all, I vow that my marriage to my beloved Dorothy will la-"
Sophia: Stop! As God as my witness and in front of this entire congregation, I call an end to this wedding here and now.
Blanche: Sophia, this is only the rehearsal.
Sophia: It is? Pretend you didn't hear that. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dorothy: I thought you were both asleep. Why are you just getting in?
Blanche: Because the justice system in America is an imperfect and sluggish piece of antiquated machinery.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: We were in the slammer.
Blanche: Our cute little "pals" stole some merchandise and made us the fall guys.
Rose: We have to appear in court at noon tomorrow.

Blanche: Dorothy, that was the last contractor in the book.
Dorothy: Oh, I just don't care. I am so fed up with all of these people, I'm ready to give up.
Blanche: Dorothy, you can't give up. You're no quitter. Why just think of the many times you have been dumped by a man. Did you quit dating? No, ma'am. You sank even lower, scraping the bottom of the barrel, facing certain humiliation. And why?
Dorothy: Thanks, Blanche. I get the point.
Blanche: No, I mean it, Dorothy. Why?

Dorothy: Ma, I wanna talk to you about the trip.
Sophia: Yeah, I wanna talk about the same thing. I'm not going.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Don't faint, but you were right when you said I should go out and make new friends, so I took your advice. I met some nice people at the center, and this weekend we're all going to Cancun. It looks like you and what's-his-name will have to go to the Bahamas without me.
Dorothy: You just met these people, and you're all going to Cancun?
Sophia: Yeah. One of them has a condo down there.
Dorothy: Ma, you were listening at the door last night, weren't you?
Sophia: No, no. I swear on your father's grave. Or what used to be your father's grave. Now it's a Der Wienerschnitzel. But he always liked their pups, so I never made a fuss.

Rose: Well, sometimes people need help making decisions. That's the way it was with Thor, our pet lamb. From the time he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't frolic with the other sheep.
Dorothy: You're slipping into verse, Rose. Keep it simple.
Rose: Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool and putting it next to Thor's bed at night. We named it Brun Hilda. And believe it or not, it did the trick. Thor felt like he was back with his mother and he began eating and sleeping...
Dorothy & Blanche: And frolicking.
Rose: Yes. But then one day, Thor got a little playful and accidentally bit Brun Hilda. The poor little guy just stood there, watching his mother deflate before his very eyes. He was never the same after that. Oh sure, once in a while he'd "baa" at the back tires of a parked car. But for the most part, he just kind of kept to himself.

Blanche: [on the phone] Hello, baby, it's Mama! Well, I'm fine, honey, I'm just fine. I'm calling you about David. No, he's fine. Matter of fact, he's so happy here, Janet, that I've decided to keep him and raise him myself. You heard me. He says that you and Michael spend so much time arguing, that you don't have time for him. Don't you take that tone with me, missy. Yes, I realize you're his mother... No, I don't suppose I can stop you if you insist on coming and getting him. But you let me tell you this. If you and Michael don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your uppity butt till hell won't have it again! [hangs up] She'll call us right back. She has to wake up the Yankee.