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‘The Stan Who Came to Dinner’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Stan Who Came to Dinner

213. The Stan Who Came to Dinner

Aired January 10, 1987

After Stan undergoes bypass surgery, he moves into the girls' house to recuperate. As the months tick by, Rose and Blanche begin to think he's taking advantage of Dorothy.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, sometimes people need help making decisions. That's the way it was with Thor, our pet lamb. From the time he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't frolic with the other sheep.
Dorothy: You're slipping into verse, Rose. Keep it simple.
Rose: Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool and putting it next to Thor's bed at night. We named it Brun Hilda. And believe it or not, it did the trick. Thor felt like he was back with his mother and he began eating and sleeping...
Dorothy & Blanche: And frolicking.
Rose: Yes. But then one day, Thor got a little playful and accidentally bit Brun Hilda. The poor little guy just stood there, watching his mother deflate before his very eyes. He was never the same after that. Oh sure, once in a while he'd "baa" at the back tires of a parked car. But for the most part, he just kind of kept to himself.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, I'm sorry, but I think I have to stay and talk to Stan. I'm sure you can get somebody.
Blanche: Dorothy, I must confess I have mixed feelings about calling anybody. There's something strangely provocative about this evening. Oh, of course, I would never have a relationship with both twins at the same time. That would be obscene. Unless, of course, it was tastefully done.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I wish I could, but I'm driving the bookmobile for the Grief Center tonight.
Dorothy: Oh, I thought you do that that during the day?
Rose: I usually do, but I got tied up at work and I didn't have time and now I feel so guilty. There are so many depressed people with nothing to read. Of course, when I'm depressed, I can't read. I knit. Maybe I should drive a knitmobile.
Sophia: Maybe she should drive a nitwitmobile.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, this is serious surgery.
Sophia: Surgery is the easy part. The tough part is after. Who's going to take care of you?
Stan: I don't know. I haven't thought about that.
Sophia: Well, think about it. You live alone and no one likes you.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Mmm, I remember the first time anybody ever called me a widow. I was terribly Ionely and depressed, just missing George something awful. Finally, my best friend, Rebecca-Sue Bliss, persuaded me to join her for a night out. Well, we no sooner stepped through the door into the Boots And Saddle Grill than these two big, brawny truckers came over and offered us a drink. That is, until one of the truckers noticed my wedding band. Well, I was so stunned I couldn't speak. But Becky-Sue spoke right up, she said, "That's alright, she's a widow."
Rose: Blanche, you poor baby.
Blanche: I know. In fact, the next time I decided to party when George was out of town on business, I left that wedding ring at home.
Dorothy: Blanche, you were unfaithful to George?
Blanche: Oh, of course not, I was only flirting. There's nothing wrong with that. It keeps you healthy, keeps you in shape. Keeps your buttocks firm.
Dorothy: And I wasted all that time on jazzercise.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I have to confess, I hate being called a widow. It sounds so permanent and final and I don't believe for one minute that it is. I know someday Charlie and I are going to be together again. Probably not in the old house. We don't need that much room. I mean, the kids are grown and we'll both be dead.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Stan, I'm gonna kill you. Do you know what this is?
Stan: Uh, yeah, it's a plate I dropped. I was gonna pick it up later.
Rose: This is not just a plate, mister. This is a family heirloom. It's Great-Great-Grandma Nylund's ceremonial wedding plate.
Blanche: Wedding plate?
Rose: Yes. The bride's family fills the plate with fruit and then at the wedding all the guests eat from it. And when the last piece is gone, that's when the bride and groom leave to start their wedding night, which takes place in a tent. Or a Best Western.
Blanche: A Best Western?
Rose: Oh, the Vikings have always been a very progressive people. Anyway, that's when it's time for the husband to symbolically offer himself to his new bride. On the plate.
Stan: Yuck. I ate a tuna sandwich on that plate this afternoon.
Rose: Stan, I'm never going to forgive you for this. My niece is getting married in the spring. What's her husband going to do?
Blanche: Well, I bet a gravy boat would work in a pinch.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: WIll somebody get that. I'll just be a minute.
Blanche: Oh, I'm not dressed yet. Rose?
Rose: I can't right now. Sophia, would you mind?
Sophia: Sure, why not? I'm over 80. I've had plenty of chances to rest in my lifetime. Today alone, I probably sat down three, four times. I'll answer the door and then I'll hot-tar the roof.

Quote from Sophia

Bob: Hello.
Rob: Hello.
Sophia: Tell me, how many of me do you see?
Bob: We're twins.
Rob: We're here to see Blanche.
Sophia: I guess she's back on the vitamins. Come on in.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Good evening, Rob.
Rob: Hello, Blanche.
Blanche: Why, Rob, you didn't tell me your brother Bob was a twin.
Rob: And you didn't tell me your roommate was Grandma Moses.
Sophia: Hey, how would you like me to fix your face so the two of you don't look like twins anymore.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, this is Rob and this is his brother, Bob.
Dorothy: I swear I have seen you somewhere before. Oh, there you are. [laughing] That's a joke. You see, Blanche didn't mention that you were twins.
Blanche: Well, I never met Bob until tonight.
Rob: Blanche, I told you we were exactly alike.
Blanche: Dorothy, you'll be thanking me for years to come.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Dorothy, I have a stack of papers we need to go over before the surgery.
Dorothy: Surgery?
Sophia: Finally going ahead with that hair transplant?
Stan: Sophia, not everybody knows this isn't real.
Dorothy: Oh, please. Stevie Wonder could tell it's a rug.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Bypass surgery. You mean heart bypass?
Stan: Yeah, the doctor says the problem's been brewing for years. I don't understand it. I always exercise, eat healthy.
Dorothy: Oh, please. Your idea of healthy eating is taking the skin off a knockwurst.
Stan: Whatever. He says I don't have a choice anymore. Oh, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, come on now, Stan, you have to pull yourself together.
Stan: Babe, don't worry. I'm a survivor. Everything's cool. The cat who's gonna cut me is primo.
Dorothy: I said pull yourself together, not talk like Sammy Davis Jr.

Quote from Sophia

Stan: I only meant that the operation is a very common procedure. Everything's gonna turn out just fine. On the other hand, they are going to crack open my chest and slice my heart like the lox platter at Wolfie's.
Sophia: Good, someone's going for lox. Get bagels, an assortment.
Dorothy: Ma, Stanley's having bypass surgery on Friday.
Sophia: So? I'm not asking him to walk. He can take the car. And, Stan, no poppy seeds. They get caught under my dentures.
Stan: Sophia, at least you could pretend that you're concerned.
Sophia: Really, I'm worried sick. Also, a half a dozen sour pickles and two prune Danish. I want the lox to visit, not set up shop there.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Be nice, Ma.
Sophia: You'll come here to recover.
Dorothy: Not that nice, Ma.
Sophia: Dorothy, he's still family. It's your fault he's family, but let's not dwell on that now. The yutz could die.

Quote from Sophia

Stan: Sophia's got a point. What am I gonna do?
Dorothy: Look, Stan, Ma's right. You're going to come here to recover. You can have my room. I'll move in with Ma until you're feeling better.
Stan: Sophia, Dorothy, you're the greatest. I don't know what to say.
Sophia: Is it just your heart that's clogged or your ears too? Let me start again. A half a pound of lox, a dozen bagels, assorted, no poppy, two prune Danish, six sour pickles and a container of cream cheese.

Quote from Rose

Stan: Come in.
Rose: Well, tomorrow's the big day. Are you excited?
Blanche: Rose, he's having a bypass, not going off to college.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, you have a wonderful night, Stan.
Rose: We just wanted to stop by and wish you luck in case we don't see you again. Before you leave, for the hospital, not another world.
Blanche: Let's not bother him anymore. Let Stan rest in peace. Sorry.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Look, Dorothy, tomorrow I am checking into hospital and may never come out and if that's the case, I want you to know that, despite everything, I have never, ever loved anyone as much as you.
Dorothy: I know that, Stan.
Stan: Then you forgive me?
Dorothy: I forgive you.
Stan: That makes me feel so much better.
[Dorothy swings Stan's bag into Stan's private parts]
Dorothy: And that makes me feel so much better.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, where were you? We've been worried.
Sophia: You know who's in this hospital? Rochelle Devito. She slipped in the shower, broke her hip, fell through the shower doors, hit her head against the sink, got a concussion and swallowed her dentures. To hear her complaining, you'd think no one else had problems. I took some of her cookies. You hungry?

Quote from Dorothy

Dr. Deutsch: Excuse me, Mrs. Zbornak?
Dorothy: Yes.
Dr. Deutsch: I'm Dr. Steven Deutsch. I just wanted to let you know Mr. Zbornak's out of surgery and he's doing fine.
Blanche: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Deutsch: He's in recovery now and he should be out of intensive care within 48 hours. I understand he'll be spending his recovery period with you.
Rose: That's right, Dr.
Dr. Deutsch: Well, it's a very critical time for Mr. Zbornak. But with proper care, there's absolutely no reason he won't be as good as new within three months.
Dorothy: Did you say three months? Ma, he said three months. [sobbing]

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: You call that wrestling, you pansy? If you can't take a crotch slam like a man, get out of the business.
Stan: This is great, just great. You and me watching television together. Hey, you know, there's a great basketball game on Seven.
Sophia: I said it was all right for you to come out of your room, I didn't say it was all right for you to talk to me.
Stan: You know, I'm kind of an expert in basketball. I mean, it's one of the interesting things about me.
Sophia: Please, you've lived here for two months, there's nothing interesting about you.
Stan: No, I mean it. Ask me anything.
Sophia: All right. When the hell are you moving out?
Stan: [laughing] You kill me.
Sophia: I'd love to!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Stanley, don't you think it's kind of a coincidence that you get a relapse on the very day the doctor says you can move back home?
Stan: What can I say, the heart's a funny organ.
Blanche: I bet most of your organs get a laugh.
Stan: Blanche, I sense some hostility.
Blanche: Good, because I hate you.

Quote from Rose

Rose: She's just a little edgy because we've been taking care of you for two months, you've been eating us out of house and home, and making life generally unbearable.
Stan: That's not a very charitable view to take. What are you making for lunch?
Rose: You listen here, mister, we've been more than charitable. In the village my ancestors came from, if a man was bad company, unable to provide for his family and not much fun under the old yak skin, the women would leave him out in the snow to die.
Stan: Tough village.


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