Blanche: I guess it's just like that old saying: opposites attract.
Rose: Oh, that's very true. Back in St. Olaf, Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife Bridget were opposites in every way. I mean, he was fat, she was thin. He was neat, she was sloppy. He was tall, she was short. He was cheap, she was extravagant. He was...
Sophia: Opposites. We get the picture.
Rose: Well, anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent show, right after the herring juggling act.
Blanche: You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring.
Rose: No. It was the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little Ginsu knives. Really very dangerous. I mean, one false move, they could have filleted themselves.

Rose: Oh, the "Be a Pal" program? Well, each week, you get a motherless girl and be her pal. Help her with her homework and take her to movies and have dinner together.
Dorothy: That's very interesting. Maybe I could get involved with that. How about you, Blanche?
Blanche: Sure. Why, nothing would be more satisfying than to be of loving service to a lonely, motherless child.
Of course, I'll have to see pictures of the father before I commit.

Eddie: I'm sorry. I'm still not really recovered. You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.
Rose: That's terrible. Married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie?

Dorothy: But, listen, honey. Don't mention this to anybody. It's a thing that most people probably wouldn't understand.
Rose: Oh, don't worry, Dorothy. Rose Nylund can keep a secret. Do you know what the name Nylund means in Norwegian?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: Well, I'm not telling you.

Blanche: You know, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Rose: It's their cheese. They refuse to use preservatives.

Blanche: I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose: Oh, in Europe, do they all have big butts too?

Dorothy: He should have been here a half-hour ago.
Blanche: Dorothy, according to the rules of etiquette, you should never wait more than 20 minutes for a date.
Sophia: She's already waited six months for a date. What's another half-hour?

Dorothy: I hate blind dates. You know, Ma, I never would have agreed to this if it wasn't your best friend Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.
Sophia: Aw, he wasn't available anymore. He decided to buy a woman from the Philippines. Actually, he bought two women. He wanted an extra for formal occasions.
Dorothy: Then who is this guy?
Sophia: Well, to tell you the truth, I was on the bus-
Blanche: Wait a minute. You set Dorothy up with some guy you met on a bus?
Sophia: Please, it wasn't that glamorous. I saw a sign on the bus. It said, "Lonely? Can't make connections with that special person?" So I took $20 out of your purse, sent in a picture, they ran it through the computer and boom, you got a social life.
Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger.
Sophia: I didn't send in your picture, I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Dorothy: Ma, I am furious with you.
Sophia: Think of how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not going out with Janet Gaynor.

Blanche: What's in the box, Rose?
Rose: Oh, brochures for the "Be a Pal" program. I'm mailing them out.
Dorothy: How does that work?
Rose: Well, you just put 'em in an envelope and you stick a stamp on them.
Dorothy: Not that, you idiot.

Blanche: Well, just let me freshen my makeup. Girls, why don't you come with me and I'll show you how I transform myself into a fresh-faced, innocent, young thing?
Rose: Could you skip the "innocent" part, Blanche? The show starts in two hours.