Previous Episode

‘One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest

724. One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest

Aired May 9, 1992

After Blanche talks an unwilling Dorothy into going on a date with her equally reluctant uncle Lucas (Leslie Nielsen), they get their own back on Blanche by pretending to be engaged. After their joke proposal turns sincere, the girls must confront a future where newly-wed Dorothy moves to Atlanta.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Oh, Dorothy.
Blanche: Oh, you're beautiful.
Sophia: Oh, pussycat, look at you. But to tell you the truth, I was hoping you'd use my wedding dress.
Dorothy: That's nice, Ma. As what? A hand puppet?

Rate

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, all right, Rose, how does it make you feel?
Rose: To be honest, a little bit like Mr. Snuffles.
Sophia: Blanche, would you mind? You're closer to the knife drawer.
Rose: One summer, when I was a little girl, Henrietta, our pig, gave birth to a litter of six. And the next day, my father won the annual St. Olaf watermelon-seed spitting contest and he brought home a prize piglet.
Blanche: Mr. Snuffles.
Rose: Exactly.
Sophia: You're listening?
Rose: Anyway, I loved Mr. Snuffles. I watched him grow. I suffered with him. The way Henrietta's brood made him feel like such an outsider. It was an awful thing to see.
Sophia: Hey, hearing it is no walk in the park.
Rose: Mr. Snuffles never did get over his feeling of alienation. He grew fat and despondent. The last report we had on him, he stowed away in a truck to Chicago and tearfully surrendered himself to the Oscar Mayer people. I don't want that to happen to me, Sophia.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, Lucas, no offense, but hardware doesn't sound terribly romantic. So when you come by tomorrow, why don't you tell Blanche that you took me to hear the Emerson String Quartet?
Lucas: I love it. Do you think they might buy that afterwards we frolicked in the ocean?
Dorothy: Oh, gosh, I haven't frolicked since... Uh, well, since... Since the day I dropped my mother off at Shady Pines. Coincidentally, that was the last time I did a cartwheel. It was a good day.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Girls, you will never believe what happened to me at the supermarket yesterday.
Rose: Um, you were in a real hurry and you needed to go through the express lane, but you had 25 items, so you went through three times. Once with ten items, once with nine items, and once with six items.
Blanche: No, Rose. What kind of a moron would do that?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Anyway, I ran into this man at the produce counter, and he asked me to play tennis with him tonight. But I forgot that Big Daddy's baby brother, my dearest and nearest relative, is flying in at 7:00. This is such a dilemma! Whatever am I gonna do?
Rose: Blanche, it doesn't sound like a dilemma at all.
Blanche: You know, Rose, you're right. Family you can see any time. But a one-night stand only happens one night.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: [dressed as a southern maid] Well, if it ain't the kinfolk!
Dorothy: Ma, where did you get that outfit?
Sophia: I bought it. Figured five Halloweens, it'll pay for itself. Hope you brought your appetite, young fella. I know you're gonna be pleased with the dinner. Corn pone, succotash, collard greens. And them's just the appetizers!
Rose: Sorry to interrupt, everybody, but I have an announcement to make.
Sophia: A mess o' something. I'll skeer us up a mess o' something.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Honey, I'm glad you're okay with Ma's coming to live with us in Atlanta. I really think she'd be a little lost without me.
Lucas: It's my pleasure, Dorothy. I can see how close the two of you are. And how close you are to Rose and Blanche.
Dorothy: Well, we've all learned a lot from each other. I mean, Ma taught me life does not end because you've reached a certain age. And I've become much more comfortable with my sexuality because of Blanche. And Rose has taught me... Rose has taught me...
Lucas: It's not important.
Dorothy: No, wait, no, I can do this. Rose has taught me...
Lucas: Let it go.
Dorothy: I need some time with this. Anyway, because of them I feel that I'm ready to love you. A square knot! Rose taught me how to tie a square knot.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Sophia, I'm glad you're here. You know I'm moving in with Kirsten tomorrow, and in a way, I'm gonna be the Sophia of that household. And... Well, how do you do it?
Sophia: So, you wanna be a Sophia? Okay. Lesson one. Criticism. I think it makes adult children stronger. It also makes them self-conscious, which I think is funnier. Okay, you're talking to your loved ones, complete this sentence. "I'm tired of spending time with you miserable" A. Gypsies. B. Bottom feeders. C. Howler monkeys.
Rose: Howler monkeys.
Blanche: Howler monkeys.
Sophia: The correct answer is C. Howler monkeys!

Quote from Rose

Rose: [inner monologue, singing] Hi-ho, the derry-o The farmer in the dell The farmer takes a wife The farmer takes a wife

Quote from Dorothy

Reverend: Dearly beloved, we are assembled here in the sight of God and these witnesses to join this man and this woman in matrimony, to marry them husband and wife in both interest and destiny.
Dorothy: [inner monologue] I'm here. I'm standing here and he's standing there. And I actually love him. I love the man. And not out of desperation. Dorothy Zbornak has finally conquered her desperation!
Reverend: Dorothy-
Dorothy: I do! [all laugh]
Lucas: Oh, what the heck. I do, too.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy! Oh, Dorothy! Oh, Dorothy. Dorothy.
Dorothy: Listen, Lucas is waiting. You're angels. All of you. [exits, then returns the lanai door]
Dorothy: Oh, God, I'm going to miss you! Oh!
Blanche: Dorothy! Dorothy!
Dorothy: Oh, listen, I- We have a flight. I should- You'll always be my sisters. Always. [exits]
[The girls look to the lanai, then to the kitchen door. After a moment, they hug each other.]

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: You know, Rose, I'm really enjoying this. You and I having a quiet cup of coffee together.
Rose: Me, too, Sophia. Because you know-
Sophia: I said quiet!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia.
Sophia: Me? You come to me? A matriarch, the head of a family? To me, Blanche, family is everything. There is nothing higher than family. Family I will always, without exception, stand up for.
Blanche: But, honey, I'm desperate.
Sophia: Con Dorothy into it.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you.
Dorothy: No, thanks. Had one.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, now please. I've told him all about you. He's dying to meet you.
Rose: Oh, right. He's dying to meet a woman he doesn't even know. If you ask me, Blanche, your Uncle Lucas is nothing but lonely. Desperate, pathetic, and lonely.
Dorothy: Right.
Rose: Hey, Dorothy, you two might just hit it off.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Uncle Lucas is nothing of the sort. Dorothy, he is so excited about this date because I gave him a full description of you.
Dorothy: Well, I can understand that. I mean, women like me don't grow on trees.
Sophia: Too bad. We could use the shade.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I only came as a favor to Blanche. When she told me how badly you were dying to meet me-
Lucas: Wait a minute. Blanche told you I was dying to meet you? The only reason I showed up here is 'cause she told me you were a lonely, single gal who was dying to meet me.
Dorothy: She didn't.
Lucas: Yes, she did. So, what do you think this means?
Dorothy: Well, I think it means that she is shacked up in some cheap motel- I mean, she has a date.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, look at this one. Scrunched-up little frown. Kind of reminds me of my mother. [hits crab with mallet]

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: No, I had the time of my life last night. And even if he never calls again, at least we'll always have Don's Crab House.
Sophia: Ingrid Bergman had Paris, my pussycat has crabs.

Quote from Rose

Lucas: Dorothy, I know this sounds impetuous. I know we just met, but I'm at that stage in my life where I can't afford to waste time. [down on one knee] Dorothy, I love you and I want to know. Will ya- Will ya-
Rose: I think he's gonna ask her out again.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, I think it's romantic. It's like something out of a '40s movie. Strong, handsome, daring, and now she's got a man.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Look, Lucas, you cannot do this! What do you two have in common?
Dorothy: I'll show you what we have in common. [leans back and kisses Lucas]
Blanche: [exclaiming] Oh, Sophia, for God's sake, speak up! Don't let her run off with the first man, and I do mean the first, that comes along.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, it's been a long day. Especially for you, Blanche. I'm really enjoying this, sitting here, just the three of us, having quiet cup of coffee together.
Sophia: Me, too. Because we don't-
Rose: I said coffee! So, how does it feel?
Sophia: Shame. I feel shame.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I can't believe the two of you carrying on when another woman is about to steal my destiny. I always thought it would be me closing out my last years in Hollingsworth Manor.
Rose: Look, if anybody has a right to complain, it's me. When Dorothy gets married, think about this, she'll be a Hollingsworth. Lucas and Blanche are already Hollingsworth. Sophia will be a Hollingsworth-in-law. Everybody will be related but me.
Sophia: Now, that's what I call family planning.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I've got to do something. I can't just sit idly back and let this wedding take place. Oh, how in the name of Mother Dixie can a woman named Zbornak appreciate the majesty of Hollingsworth Manor?
Sophia: Sitting on the veranda with her mother.
Blanche: And what makes you think the newlyweds are gonna welcome you on the premises?
Sophia: What are you saying?
Blanche: Uncle Lucas may not be as fond of nasty, hateful, life-scarring barbs as the rest of us are.
Sophia: And your point is?
Blanche: Dorothy and Lucas may not want you around.
Sophia: Say, there's a fly in the Metamucil.

Quote from Dorothy

Lucas: I've been thinking about your suggestion, Dorothy. You're absolutely right. The columns must come down. The new Hollingsworth Manor should be red brick. Cape Cod.
Blanche: [exclaiming]
Lucas: Blanche, I didn't know you were home. Haven't seen too much of you this trip, sugar plum.
Blanche: That's because you've been too busy Yankee Doodlin'.
Dorothy: Blanche, I'm sure you don't mean that. You'll feel differently when you come to the hoe-down we're throwing on the anniversary of Lee's surrender.

Quote from Sophia

Lucas: Uh, Blanche, there is something I must say. Dorothy. Dorothy, will you marry me for real?
Dorothy: For real?
Lucas: For real.
Dorothy: Oh, yes, Lucas. Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Sophia: Is it my stroke or did they do this already?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: [taking a Polaroid] I just love watching you two kids kiss. It's so beautiful to see. He loves you, pussycat.
He loves you. Listen, Luke, I want you to know I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter. I feel like I'm gaining a sucker- Son! Son. Where did that come from? Oh, the mind, huh?
Lucas: I can't wait to be your son.
Sophia: Oh, you are delightful. Such a gem. Here. Get yourself a girl tonight. We'll understand.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: [taking a Polaroid] I just love to watch you two kiss. The last picture was a little blurry. It was hard to tell who was who. [to Lucas] No offense, pussycat.
Lucas: Pussycat, huh? Nobody's called me that since the Navy.
Sophia: You know, I think he's just nuts enough to actually turn up at the wedding tomorrow.
Dorothy: You're a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I thought I might find you out here. You okay?
Rose: I couldn't sleep. [sighing] I'm just- I'm just so mad at Dorothy. I mean, she won't let us say goodbye, and I'm sorry, but I need to. Especially to you.
Blanche: I know, Rose, but you know what? Dorothy's not here right now.
Rose: Yeah. And if she was, what's the worst thing she could do to us?
Blanche: Right. Can she intimidate us?
Rose: Could she physically harm us?
Blanche: Can she make life miserable for us?
Rose: Blanche, she can do all those things.
Blanche: I know it. I know it.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Oh, Dorothy, there's a limousine out front.
Dorothy: Oh, Lucas must've sent it. Oh, he's so romantic. Oh, but, Ma, wait. I haven't finished packing.
Sophia: You'll come back later and pack.
Rose: Yeah, relax, Dorothy, you're carrying on like a howler monkey.
Dorothy: [to Sophia] You've been coaching her, haven't you?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Stanley, what are you doing? Have you lost your mind? You're ruining the biggest day of my life!
Stan: You're getting married and you couldn't send an invitation to Stanley Zbornak? The man who gave you his name?
Dorothy: I'm sorry. The list was alphabetical. The Zionists aren't speaking to me, either.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Stanley, what do you want from me?
Stan: I want to show you something. Dorothy, you see this hair? It is the only one on my forehead. The other traitors receded years ago, but this proud and loyal sprout clings desperately. It is unrelenting. It is true.
Dorothy: What about it?
Stan: Dorothy, it is this hair that I hate more than all the others. It mocks me.
Dorothy: You're psychotic.
Stan: Because I'm bald?
Dorothy: Because you're kidnapping me!
Stan: I'm not kidnapping you. I'm taking you to church. In style.
Dorothy: You are?
Stan: This is my gift to you. I just wanted a minute alone with you to give my blessings. To show I care. Don't you see? I am that hair. And you're my big, crazy, bald skull. I may give you some reason to resent me, but you cannot shake me. I am loyal.
Dorothy: Stanley, you wore a toupee for 27 years.
Stan: Don't mess with my metaphor.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: All right, Stanley, the truth. Things have been going so well with Lucas I didn't want to deal with you. But, as Freud said, our beds are crowded. When I sleep with Lucas, I'm not alone. There's this phantom of you there, and he has the haunts of his prior relationships, and, well, I I can't pretend you're not a part of me.
Stan: So, what are you saying, you slept with this guy?
Dorothy: Stanley, you're missing my point. We named it! What I'm saying is thank you. Stanley, for the first time in a long while, you're really acting like a man.
Stan: I love you, Dorothy. I've always loved you.
Dorothy: And I love you, Stanley. [pulls hair from his forehead] Now drive.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: [inner monologue] My baby's getting married. This is too much. I'm overcome. I'm about to cry. I can't believe it. I'm actually about to cry. [sneezes] Wow. Misjudged that one.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [inner monologue] Oh, look at her. I've never seen Dorothy look so happy. Okay, that once, but she didn't know I was watchin'. And she looks so beautiful. Oh, my God, if a woman with all my gifts is jealous of her, I can't imagine what a woman like Rose must be thinkin'.

Quote from Rose

Reverend: Dorothy and Lucas, would you please join hands? Lucas, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love, support and cherish her as long as you both shall live?
Lucas: I do.
Reverend: And Dorothy, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love, support and cherish him as long as you both shall live?
Dorothy: I do.
Reverend: May we have the ring, please? Repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed-
Rose: With this ring, I thee wed [inner monologue] The farmer in the dell The farmer in the dell Hi-ho, the derry-o The farmer in the dell

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, I want to tell you something, and this isn't easy.
Dorothy: Not easy? For you? Please, Ma. The day you stop speaking your mind-
Sophia: I'm not going.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: I'm not going with you, pussycat. I'm staying here with the girls.
Dorothy: The girls?
Sophia: Rose, Blanche, whatever they are. We discussed it after the wedding and, pussycat, they need me.
Dorothy: Ma. I need you.
Sophia: No. No, you need to be married now. Alone. Frankly, I think I was in the way the first time.
Dorothy: Oh, no, you weren't. Yes, you were.
Sophia: Dorothy, it's time to leave the nest, and I think I've given you the self-confidence to do that.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I do want you to know that without you and Blanche and Rose, I never would have been ready to try.
Sophia: There's something I want to tell you. It's been my great privilege to be your friend as an adult. To spend these years with you.
Dorothy: No, Ma. It was my privilege.
Sophia: And something else. [takes a jewelry box out of her pocket]
Dorothy: And that self-confidence is the greatest gift that you could have ever given me.
Sophia: Yeah, I agree. Yes. It's a magnificent gift. [puts the box away]

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: You got everything you need?
Lucas: Yeah, I guess so. Gonna be a great honeymoon. Me, Dorothy and Freddy Peterson.
Blanche: Who's Freddy Peterson?
Lucas: That's what we named it.
Dorothy: Oh. I have packed my last suitcase.
Lucas: You ready, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Ready, Freddy.
Lucas: Dorothy, they know.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, you don't have to say anything.
Rose: I mean, what can you say about seven years of fights and laughter. Secrets. Cheesecake.
Dorothy: Just that it's been very- Well, it's been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart. [crying] And that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving and-
Blanche: We love you, too.
Dorothy: Oh! I'll miss you. I'll miss you.
Blanche: You will always be a part of us.
Dorothy: Your friendship was something I never expected at this point in my life. And I could never have asked for a better surprise.
Blanche: That's how we feel, too.
Dorothy: I have to go.
Rose: Dorothy, is this goodbye?
Dorothy: [nods] I love you, always. [exits, returns] Oh, God, I love you so much!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Conning Dorothy is a thought, but I don't know if I have it in me to do all the persuading, all the convincing, and- Oh, my God, is that Dorothy? Or Miss Lana Turner emerging from her morning toilette?
Dorothy: It's Lana with a message from Dorothy. Whatever the favor is, forget it.

Quote from Dorothy

Lucas: Uh, Dorothy, it's not going to be easy to fake a fight with you.
Dorothy: What?
Lucas: Now, I want you to promise that you're not gonna laugh, but these past three days have been the lightest and the brightest that I've known since Edna passed. And I just want to thank you.
Dorothy: Well, I'm-- I'm glad. But, to tell you the truth, I didn't even notice. I mean, I've been I've been so busy smiling myself.
Lucas: I'm-- I'm glad, too. I- Strange, isn't it? It just seems like we've known each other for a lot more than three days.


 Episode 723
  Select another episode