Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Witness’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Witness

621. Witness

Aired March 9, 1991

Rose's new relationship is complicated when Miles, who's still in the Witness Protection Program, comes to visit. Meanwhile, Sophia loses her glasses.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, honey, I hope you're not too upset about not fitting in with those dreadful people today.
Blanche: Those small-minded peckerwoods aren't real Southerners. I am a real Southerner. Real Southerners are compassionate people. They're wise and gentle, and they sit around on porch swings, regaling with stories of Abraham and Moses and all the other people who worked on the plantation.

Rate

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Well, I'm off.
Dorothy: That would be my diagnosis.
Sophia: No, I mean I'm going out.
Dorothy: Ma, put down the binoculars.
Sophia: No, I need them. I lost my glasses, and I'm not supposed to drive without them.
Dorothy: Let's analyze this for a moment. You're now what, about 200 years old?
Sophia: About.
Dorothy: You have no license. You're not allowed to drive.
Sophia: Curses!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, good, I'm glad you're here. I want you to help me go through these papers I sent for. They're to authenticate my family tree.
Dorothy: Oh.
Blanche: Well, tomorrow I have to present it out loud at the "Daughters of the Old South" initiation banquet.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
Blanche: Well, indeed I am. This club is a link to the proudest of all heritages. I remember, growin' up in Atlanta, how all of us girls used to pretend to be Confederate belles, and we'd receive gentleman callers. Got to be like a competition. In fact, I once received seven callers in one evening.
Dorothy: I'm just thinking out loud, but isn't Atlanta where the Center for Disease Control is?
Blanche: Coincidence.

Quote from Blanche

Barbara: As long as I'm here, I should tell you there's been complaints from the neighbors about the noise at night.
Blanche: Which neighbors?
Barbara: Well, me.
Blanche: Which noise?
Barbara: Well, you.
Blanche: Well, get earmuffs. I pay my taxes.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Ah, Rose, another date with Karl tonight, huh? You must really like this guy.
Rose: I do. Karl is sweet, and he's supportive. He understands that I still have feelings for Miles.
Dorothy: Rose, Miles is in the Witness Relocation Program. You're not supposed to be telling people about him.
Rose: I didn't tell him Miles ratted on a gangster named The Cheeseman. He just knows there's somebody I can't see anymore. Oh, Karl is quite a guy. Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles. Although I do have one dream that both Karl and Miles are in.
Blanche: Ohh. And?
Rose: OK. And Captain Kangaroo.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche, there is still time to back out. Do you really think you can go up there and betray your heritage?
Blanche: Dorothy, I belong in this club. Why, I'm just as Southern as the fruit of a scuppernong arbor growing proudly by the lazy Mississippi.
Dorothy: Lawdy, Lawdy, are you full of it.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, I am Blanche Devereaux, nee Hollingsworth, of Atlanta, daughter of Curtis Hollingsworth and Samantha Roquet of Augusta and Shreveport, daughter of- I can't do it. I- Daughter of Feldman. I'm a Feldman, damn it. Of Buffalo. [all gasp] Oh, ladies, now, please, I beg of you. Let us put aside our ancient prejudices and change these rules. Oh, ladies, let my people in.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Actually, I would like to say something else, if you don't mind. Please let me in.
Mrs. Ward: No! Next up-
Blanche: That wasn't what I was going to say. Yes, I am a Yankee, but hath not a Yankee eyes? Hath not a Yankee hands? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Sophia: Sometimes all night. I've heard her.
Blanche: My point is, I am made up of many ingredients, but perhaps that is what gives me my uniquely American flavor. Yes, for I am an American, and I'm leavin'. I don't need your lousy club to make me feel special. Oh, please?
All: No!
Blanche: Oh, you lost the war. Get over it.

Quote from Blanche

Barbara: I'm gonna take this creep out front and read him his rights. Somebody call the station and tell 'em to get here, and I need handcuffs, right away. [everyone turns to Blanche]
Blanche: Oh. Oh, OK, you can borrow mine. But please be careful with them. They're a gift.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hey, these are all right. When I look through them backwards, you actually look demure.
Dorothy: Ma, get new glasses, all right?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Why must you always make such a big deal out of everything?
Sophia: Who's making a big deal out of it? I'm not making a big deal out of it.
Barbara: Hi!
Blanche: Hi, Barbara.
Barbara: We got a call at the police station about lost glasses.
Sophia: You got my message. How many men you got on this?
Barbara: Well, none really. I did check, and nobody reported any lost glasses.
Sophia: Not lost. Stolen. I want cops on this. Big, burly, steroid-crazed cops.
Blanche: Oh. Sophia!
Sophia: Oh, fine. Get one for Blanche, too. Throw it on my tab.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, and look here, Dorothy. This is my grandmother Marcelle Daboval. Pure Southern, through and through.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry. I just don't like the idea of this club. I mean, it seems so discriminatory.
Blanche: Dorothy, there is nothing wrong with being proud of what you are. This club celebrates those individuals who can prove they come from 100% Southern Confederate stock. And if you can't, then fiddle-di-doo to you.

Quote from Sophia

[Sophia enters the kitchen wearing a large pair of black sunglasses]
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison. Ma, where did you get those glasses?
Sophia: They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.
Dorothy: I know you can't possibly see through them. Now, take them off before you hurt yourself.
Sophia: No, they're great. I see just fine. Who's the black guy?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Well, I hate telling you this, Blanche. No, that's not true. I look forward to telling you this, Blanche. The woman your great-grandfather married was born, well, outside of Georgia.
Blanche: How far outside of Georgia?
Dorothy: Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche.
Blanche: Well, no, this can't be.
Dorothy: A Yankee Doodle.
Blanche: There must be some mistake.
Dorothy: You are that Yankee Doodle gal.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Let me see the certificate. I want to see with my own eyes that my great-grandmother was that thing you said.
Dorothy: A Yankee.
Blanche: Right.
Dorothy: A Yankee Doodle.
Blanche: Oh, stop it.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, my God.
Dorothy: Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?
Blanche: Aw, no. Oh, no, no, no. No, it can't be. I can't be Jewish.
Sophia: I'll be damned. The black guy is prejudiced.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: This information will have no bearing on my getting into the "Daughters of the Old South." I'll just lie.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, this is ridiculous. Why should you have to lie? You're only one-eighth Yankee.
Blanche: That's right. I'm seven-eighths' Southern. That's more than enough.
Dorothy: And if they don't let you in, instead of saying "fiddle-di-doo," well, you can always switch to Deedle didle deedle dum.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I wish I could tell you, but I really don't know anything about him anymore. When I knew him, he was a professor at a college.
Karl: That's hard to believe.
Rose: Well, that's one of the few places they have professors.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Listen, check with me later about the weekend. I just want to be sure I'm ready, and that it's right.
Karl: I'll give you a ring.
Rose: I can't accept jewelry.
Karl: I mean, I'll call you soon. I mean, I'll call you, Rose, soon. And the phone will ring.

Quote from Rose

Miles: Rose. Rose, it's me.
Rose: Mi- Miles? I beg your pardon. I'm sure Blanche will be out any minute.
Miles: No, Rose, Rose, it's me.
Rose: Miles?
Miles: I've come back, Rose. I had to see you.
Rose: But you've changed.
Miles: Well, I'm Amish, Rose. That's my new identity in the Witness Protection Program. See, I'm an Amish man. I live on an Amish farm. I carry wood, I dig holes and I milk things. And to be frank it sucks.

Quote from Rose

Miles: I've missed you, Rose.
Rose: Oh, I've missed you, too, Miles.
Miles: No, no, Rose. My name is now Samuel. Samuel Plankmaker.
Rose: Isn't it dangerous for you to be here? You might have been followed.
Miles: Oh, no, I took all kinds of precautions. I even switched buggies on the way over.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I don't know what I'm gonna do. Boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma, and these rabbis just come out of the woodwork.
Dorothy: Rose, who is this?
Rose: This is- This is a friend. His name is Samuel. Samuel Plankmaker. Samuel, these are my roommates. Girls, you know Miles. Samuel! Shoot! Sorry.

Quote from Sophia

Miles: Well, I'm sorry, ladies. It's me.
Sophia: I was hoping to play a trick on you. Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I just want to go on record as saying I am against this. That Cheeseman character could be following Miles, and there's no telling what he would do to me for information.
Dorothy: Blanche, you are really so self-centered. In the first place, no gangster is going to come here. And secondly, Blanche, this is important to Rose. Aren't you interested in Rose's happiness?
Rose: Happiness? I'm supposed to be happy? Just when I was getting on with my life, Miles shows up, and for a visit. He can't even stay. How am I gonna move on? How is my heart ever supposed to heal with Miles here?
Blanche: Do you really think I'm self-centered?

Quote from Dorothy

Mrs. Ward: Well, thank you, Evelyn and Margaret, for that gripping and realistic reenactment of the defeat of General Burnside's troops at Fredericksburg.
Dorothy: It's hard to believe you couldn't get federal funding for this.

Quote from Blanche

Woman #1: Did you say Claude Livaudais?
Louise: Yes.
Woman #1: My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.
Woman #2: Yankee.
Louise: No, no, I can explain.
Woman #1: Fie.
Woman #2: Traitor.
Blanche: Oy vey.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Dorothy, I can't see a thing. What's happening now?
Dorothy: The Harlem Globetrotters just took the court.

Quote from Rose

Miles: Oh, my God! You! How did you find me?
Karl: Time to say goodbye, buddy boy.
Rose: Karl, Miles, as flattering as this is, I- I don't want you fighting over me.
Miles: What? Karl? Is this the man you've been seeing?
Rose: Uh-huh. But don't worry. He's just a little jealous.
Miles: Got some bad news, Rose. It's not you he's after. He's using you to get to me. This is the Cheeseman.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Now, wait a minute. You can't come into this house waving that gun around. Although it is a very nice one. What is this, a Colt?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, I knew all along it was a bad idea to let Miles stay here. Oh, I'm too young to be struck down by a madman's bullet. I've gotta find some way out of this. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.

Quote from Sophia

Karl: No one moves and no one makes a sound. We all stand still until they leave.
[Sophia, sans glasses, enters from the kitchen and heads for the front door]
Karl: Don't make a move, old lady.
Sophia: Nice way to talk to your mother, Pussycat.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: It's great. I can finally see again. Hey, it's the Cheeseman. Come on, get in here, both of ya.
Blanche: Sophia, you recognize Karl as the Cheeseman?
Sophia: You don't? The man's been on America's Most Wanted at least six times.
Karl: The last episode was the highest rated ever. Ever.
Dorothy: That must be a good feeling.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I hate to interrupt you, but I have some bad news. It's all over. That's right, you're busted. Barbara's a cop.
Barbara: In a dress, without a gun. So, basically, what you have here is a crossing-guard thing.
Karl: All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up in a closet, and us boys are going for a little walk.
Sophia: Wow. Were you ever activities director of a place called Shady Pines?

Quote from Rose

Miles: Rose, it's over. I'm a free man. I can be with you now, if that's still what you want.
Rose: Oh, that's all I've ever wanted. But you have to promise me never to leave me again.
Miles: Well, sweetheart, I might have to for a little while. Back on my farm in Pennsylvania, I still have an order in for 13 windmills. Oh, screw 'em. What are they gonna do, phone?

Quote from Rose

Rose: Isn't there anything you can do, Barbara?
Barbara: I suppose I could do this. All right, Cheeseman, you're under arrest.
Rose: You told us you didn't have a gun. You lied.
Barbara: To a bad guy. It's OK to lie to a bad guy.
Rose: You see that? There's so many things we, as the public, don't understand.


 Episode 620 Episode 622 
  Select another episode