Rose: My father used to punish us by sending us to the dairy barn to milk Alice.
Dorothy: Well, what's so terrible about that?
Rose: You had to milk Alice sitting on a stool.
Blanche: I thought you always milked a cow sitting on a stool.
Rose: No, no. Alice had to sit on a stool. You see, she was involved in this nasty plowing accident. It was during spring planting and Daddy had hitched her up to the plow 'cause poor old Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf-
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, Rose. Sweetheart, save the story. When David comes back, tell him. That can be his punishment.

Blanche: Well, I don't believe that! But then what can I expect? His father's a Yankee. I guess I should've given him some money.
Sophia: You should've given him a smack.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: I don't believe in hitting children.
Sophia: Personally, I like to lay into a kid with a melon baller. It's got a nice weight, good balance in the hand. And it's portable.

Rose: How is it possible to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street?
Sophia: Cheap Chianti and narrow streets.

Blanche: [to Sophia] But you grew up in the country. David's a city boy.
Dorothy: Oh, wait now, Blanche, come on. I'm from New York. I did chores. I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Blanche: My, my. Did you attend a military school?
Sophia: No, she lived with me.
Rose: Did they have chores in Sicily?
Sophia: Are you kidding? They invented chores in Sicily. Crossing the street without getting pregnant was a chore in Sicily.
Dorothy: Rose, never mention Sicily.

Dorothy: Oh! David, clean up this mess, then go to bed.
David: Hey, why don't you clean up the mess yourself? I mean, what's the big deal? We were just having some fun. You know that those happen to be my friends you just threw out? You know, this really stinks. What am I supposed to do for the next two weeks, just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?
Blanche: You stop that!
Dorothy: You know something? I am having a real problem with your attitude!
David: Oh, really? Well, you can all just kiss my attitude!
[Sophia slaps David across the face]
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Well, you wouldn't let me get the melon baller, so I improvised.
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera.

Blanche: Why do these things always happen to me? I'm just a wreck. I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Dorothy: Blanche, we go through this every morning. Now admit it, you have cellulite.
Blanche: I am not talking about cellulite, which I don't have.

Rose: [to Blanche] Well, sounds like they're trying to work it out. Why are you upset?
Sophia: Don't you listen? She has cellulite.
Blanche: Those are dimples.
Sophia: Dimples are on these cheeks!

Blanche: I am upset because while they're in Hawaii for two weeks, they're leaving my fourteen-year-old grandson with me.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful news! Why, you shouldn't be upset.
Dorothy: No, I should be upset. How am I supposed to study for my French final with a 14-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an 80-year-old.
Sophia: Are you referring to me?
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.

Blanche: But whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose: Oh, there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquarium, the Everglades, Rambo-
Dorothy: Rambo?
Rose: The movie with Sly Stallone.
Sophia: I sat through it twice. You'll love it! He sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on!

Sophia: It's not gonna work. I'm not sharing my room.
Dorothy: Oh Ma, Ma I'm not thrilled with the arrangement either. But for the two weeks that David is here, we'll make do.
Sophia: Sure, it's easy for you. I'm not the one who snores.
Dorothy: I do not snore.
Sophia: Please! I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!