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‘On Golden Girls’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls

106. On Golden Girls

Aired October 26, 1985

The girls are left in charge of Blanche's rebellious grandson after his bickering parents go to Hawaii without him.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My father used to punish us by sending us to the dairy barn to milk Alice.
Dorothy: Well, what's so terrible about that?
Rose: You had to milk Alice sitting on a stool.
Blanche: I thought you always milked a cow sitting on a stool.
Rose: No, no. Alice had to sit on a stool. You see, she was involved in this nasty plowing accident. It was during spring planting and Daddy had hitched her up to the plow 'cause poor old Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf-
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, Rose. Sweetheart, save the story. When David comes back, tell him. That can be his punishment.

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Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, I don't believe that! But then what can I expect? His father's a Yankee. I guess I should've given him some money.
Sophia: You should've given him a smack.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: I don't believe in hitting children.
Sophia: Personally, I like to lay into a kid with a melon baller. It's got a nice weight, good balance in the hand. And it's portable.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: [to Sophia] But you grew up in the country. David's a city boy.
Dorothy: Oh, wait now, Blanche, come on. I'm from New York. I did chores. I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Blanche: My, my. Did you attend a military school?
Sophia: No, she lived with me.
Rose: Did they have chores in Sicily?
Sophia: Are you kidding? They invented chores in Sicily. Crossing the street without getting pregnant was a chore in Sicily.
Dorothy: Rose, never mention Sicily.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: How is it possible to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street?
Sophia: Cheap Chianti and narrow streets.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Why do these things always happen to me? I'm just a wreck. I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Dorothy: Blanche, we go through this every morning. Now admit it, you have cellulite.
Blanche: I am not talking about cellulite, which I don't have.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: [to Blanche] Well, sounds like they're trying to work it out. Why are you upset?
Sophia: Don't you listen? She has cellulite.
Blanche: Those are dimples.
Sophia: Dimples are on these cheeks!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: I am upset because while they're in Hawaii for two weeks, they're leaving my fourteen-year-old grandson with me.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful news! Why, you shouldn't be upset.
Dorothy: No, I should be upset. How am I supposed to study for my French final with a 14-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an 80-year-old.
Sophia: Are you referring to me?
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: But whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose: Oh, there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquarium, the Everglades, Rambo-
Dorothy: Rambo?
Rose: The movie with Sly Stallone.
Sophia: I sat through it twice. You'll love it! He sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: It's not gonna work. I'm not sharing my room.
Dorothy: Oh Ma, Ma I'm not thrilled with the arrangement either. But for the two weeks that David is here, we'll make do.
Sophia: Sure, it's easy for you. I'm not the one who snores.
Dorothy: I do not snore.
Sophia: Please! I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: I just fixed a special treat for David. It's the same little after-school snack I used to make for my own son - a triple-decker BLT, a hearty helping of homemade potato salad, and a great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake.
Dorothy: Oh, where was he going after school? The electric chair?

Quote from Blanche

Police Officer: I'd keep an eye on this one, lady.
Blanche: Oh, I don't know how to thank you, officer. But I would like to try. I'm usually at Wally's for happy hour on Tuesdays.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Police Officer: Ma'am.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: My test is in two weeks and I do not want to blow it.
Sophia: You'll pass. You'll pass.
Dorothy: I don't want to pass. I want an A.
Sophia: You're the same as you were in grade school - A's. You always had to get an A. Your brother thought a book was to sit on. You always had to get an A. Good night.
Dorothy: Good night, Ma.
Sophia: If I breathe and it bothers you, put a pillow over my face.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: What's that smell?
Sophia: I don't smell anything.
Dorothy: Are you wearing something?
Sophia: A little Ben Gay on my knees. A little Vicks on my chest. A little Deep Heat on my neck.
Dorothy: What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you'll live to be 100?
Sophia: Fine, I'll wipe it off. Tomorrow, I'll be in a wheelchair.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Keep it up, I'll need a Dramamine.
Dorothy: I'm trying to get comfortable.
Sophia: Not me. You get too comfortable, you don't wake up!

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: What?
Dorothy: That noise.
Sophia: What noise?
Dorothy: The noise you're making with your nose and throat.
Sophia: I got a postnasal drip. What would you like me to do, drown in phlegm?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh! David, clean up this mess, then go to bed.
David: Hey, why don't you clean up the mess yourself? I mean, what's the big deal? We were just having some fun. You know that those happen to be my friends you just threw out? You know, this really stinks. What am I supposed to do for the next two weeks, just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?
Blanche: You stop that!
Dorothy: You know something? I am having a real problem with your attitude!
David: Oh, really? Well, you can all just kiss my attitude!
[Sophia slaps David across the face]
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Well, you wouldn't let me get the melon baller, so I improvised.
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera.

Quote from Rose

Rose: This is like The Long Day's Journey Into Light.
Dorothy: Night. Rose.
Rose: Night, Dorothy. [exits]

Quote from Rose

Rose: Yeah, we had chores on the farm. Boys and girls. And when we finished, we had such a feeling of accomplishment. We had to feed the chickens, slop the hogs, muck the stalls.
Sophia: Please, I'm trying to eat here!
Rose: And after I finished all that, I still had to take care of Larry, my one-eyed pig.
Dorothy: What did you people do, run a farm for handicapped animals?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: If you wait a couple of minutes, I'll make you some sandwiches. Where you going?
David: I don't know.
Dorothy: How you getting there?
David: I'll take a bus.
Dorothy: I see. And when the bus gets to you-don't-know-where, what will you do then?
David: Get a job.
Dorothy: Really?
David: Yeah.
Dorothy: As what, Secretary of State?

Quote from Dorothy

David: I gotta go.
Dorothy: So you're just gonna wimp out, huh?
David: I'm not wimping out.
Dorothy: What do you call this?
David: Why should I stay here when I got all this crappy stuff to do? And no one likes me anyway.
Dorothy: You know, first of all, buddy boy, life is full of crappy stuff to do. It's everywhere, so you better get used to it. The President has crappy stuff to do. Second of all, your grandmother happens to like you. My mother likes you. She doesn't hit anyone unless she really cares. Take it from me. And I happen to like you.
David: My life stinks.
Dorothy: I know. Things are tough at home and that really does stink. But you have a choice. You can tough it out or you can let it beat you. But right now you're here, and this doesn't have to stink. And if you stay and work at it and everything turns out, you'll have a place to visit when the things at home really get to stink.
David: I just can't, like, come here whenever.
Dorothy: You can just, like, come here whenever.
David: Well, I don't mind the gardening. But it's, like, the vacuuming I hate. That's, like, for girls.
Dorothy: Well, we can renegotiate. I'll do the vacuuming if you'II, like, uh, learn English.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: All right, now, attention, everyone. I want to propose a toast. To Dorothy Zbornak, who got an A in her French class, proving that you can teach an old dog new tricks.
Sophia: And if anyone knows about tricks-
Dorothy: Ma! Thank you, ladies and gentleman. Or should I say, merci beaucoup, mes amies.
Rose: Oh, my, that was impressive!
Sophia: Jane Goodall once taught an ape to rhumba - that's impressive!

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy that was so sweet of you, telling him he could come live with us.
Dorothy: I meant it!
Rose: It's gonna be awfully quiet around here without him.
Sophia: I'll say. No more listening to Dorothy snore!
Dorothy: Ma, I do not snore!
Sophia: Please, I had to turn you from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!


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