Sophia: Reminds me of the place I met Charles de Gaulle. We were lovers, you know.
Raymond: Really?
Dorothy: Ma, that's a lie.
Sophia: Who asked you?
Sophia: Picture it: Sicily, 1921. A beautiful young peasant girl saves her lira and takes a trip to Paris, the city of lights, also the only place a guy can wear a cape without getting a lot of funny looks. She wanders into a restaurant and ends up sharing a table with a dashing young Frenchman. They drink, they talk, they burn a cork and draw mustaches on each other.
Raymond: What?
Sophia: Just wanted to see if you were listening. Anyway, the next thing she knows, it's hours later, the place is empty, and the Frenchman's got his schnoz down her blouse. This begins a beautiful love affair. Kids, I was that peasant girl, and the schnoz was Charles the Mole.
Raymond: Charles the Mole?
Sophia: Yeah, Charles the Mole. He was the wheel man for Louie the Ice Pick.
Dorothy: Ma, you said Charles de Gaulle.
Sophia: Yeah, right! I slept with Charles de Gaulle. I could've been the first lady of France, but I married your father instead. A man who cleans his toenails with a shrimp fork.

Rose: Hi, Sophia. How are you this morning?
Sophia: My joints ache, my ears are ringing, and I think my butt dropped two inches on the way down the hall. All in all, not bad.

Sophia: It's not that easy to make new friends.
Rose: It sure wasn't for the first Eskimo family that moved to St. Olaf. Especially after they sawed a hole and went salmon fishing in the middle of the local ice skating rink. And then there was the Halloween they gave all the kids whale blubber. And then there was the time they borrowed every ice tray in town to build an addition over their garage.
Dorothy: What was the point, Rose?
Rose: I guess after the baby came, they needed more room. The point of the story... Well, gradually they were able to make friends, and they ended up the most popular family in town.
Blanche: But only because they went out and met people. Isn't that right, Rose?
Rose: No. It was because in the drought of '49, their house melted and kept the town from dehydrating.

Blanche: Oh, girls, I just had the most disturbing dream.
Dorothy: Oh, what was it?
Blanche: Well, I was stranded on a desert island with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg. Three men and, oh, baby. They kept passing me around and kissing me and powdering my behind.
Dorothy: So what was so disturbing?
Blanche: Well, I woke up, and I'd only gotten to sleep with Steve Guttenberg. And I'm not even sure who he is.

Blanche: Why don't you just tell her how you feel? She'll understand.
Dorothy: You honestly think so?
Rose: Sonia Klingenhoffer did.
Dorothy: She certainly did. Thank you for pointing that out, Rose. Good night.
Rose: Dorothy, you know Sonia Klingenhoffer?
Dorothy: Know her? She's from St. Olaf, isn't she? Lovely woman. See you.
Rose: Wait a minute. Sonia's not a woman.
Dorothy: I know. She's a cow. [Rose shakes her head] A pig. [again] A duck? [again] A horse. [again] A pencil sharpener. Blanche, jump in. I'm drowning.
Rose: "Sonia Klingenhoffer" is a comic strip.
Blanche: And a darn good one, too. Well, good night.
Rose: Both of you come back here, or I'll be forced to follow you to your room and act it out with sock puppets.

Dorothy: Morning. Rose, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your golf glove. I have a date to play this morning.
Blanche: With a man?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, with a Venus flytrap.

Dorothy: Okay, girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?
Rose: The chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
Rose: Well, that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the nonexistent bosom.
Blanche: Yes, but the chain leads the eye even lower to that huge spare tire jutting out over those square, manly hips.
Dorothy: Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too ugly to live"?
Blanche: Fine, but what are you gonna hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: Neither! I'm gonna spray paint it on my hump!

Rose: You want some breakfast?
Sophia: Not if you're making it.
Rose: Oh, come on. It's an old family favorite: Chocolate chip pancakes. Made with brown sugar, honey whipped cream and maple syrup.
Sophia: Rose, if God had intended man to eat like that, he would've handed him his teeth in a baggie.

Blanche: Rose, honey, you don't have time to eat. As my campaign manager, it is your duty to spend every waking hour ensuring my victory so that once in office, I can implement the changes needed to move forward in the grand tradition of the founders of this, our great country.
Sophia: What office are you running for, Blanche?
Blanche: Fashion show chairman of the Tinkerbelles.

Rose: See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I've decided I'm gonna run for fashion show chairman.
Blanche: You're just wasting your time. Who is gonna vote for you? I'm gonna win.
Rose: I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you gonna sleep with?
Blanche: Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? All women?