Blanche: Oh, you just look so beautiful. You know, this reminds me of the day I married George. Oh, it was an exquisite wedding. 500 people in that big, old church and I didn't have any underwear on.
Dorothy: Why?
Blanche: I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Dorothy: Well, I hope you find somebody soon. Actually, you'll need two new tenants.
Sophia: I'm not living with you and Stan.
Dorothy: Yes, you are, Ma. I want you with us, and besides, you can't afford to live alone.
Sophia: Blanche is letting me keep my room, and I have an interview at McDonald's. If I can see over the counter, I'm their new fry girl.

Rose: Anyway, I stopped at a gas station and they were nice enough to give me a ride. Oh, by the way, Chuck says, "Yo."
Blanche: Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Rose: Shell.
Blanche: Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Dorothy: Blanche, I think you're spending too much time at the full-service island.

Truby: But, hey, I'm used to it. I put three in the ground. Well, what can I tell you? I like 'em old, rich and barely breathing.
Blanche: Why don't I show you the rest of the house? Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Truby: Oh, 'bout as old as you are.
Blanche: To lose a husband that young.

Dorothy: Oh, when Stan and I were married, Stan was crying, I was crying, Ma was crying. All for different reasons, but if you didn't know us, it looked touching. Oh, Stan and I are getting married again. I mean, I've done this before. Why am I so nervous?
Truby: I always get nervous at weddings. Weddings and funerals. I've been to so many of both I get mixed-up. Same guest list, same flowers, handful of rice, handful of dirt. The only difference is, after the funeral it's OK to date.
Blanche: I'm beginning to like her.

Stan: Sophia!
Sophia: Alright, you've got a second chance. But if you hurt my daughter again, I'll make you miserable for the rest of my life. And if I lay off meat and dairy, that could be as much as five years.

Sophia: You know, Pussycat, we never had that mother/daughter talk about sex.
Dorothy: Ma, I've had sex more years than I care to think about.
Sophia: I know. I think you're doing it wrong.

Blanche: Rose, what happened?
Rose: My brakes went out, and the car wouldn't stop. My whole life flashed before my eyes. And the Nuderflaken twins played a bigger part than I had realized.
Blanche: That must've been awful.
Rose: Oh, it was. I don't know any Nuderflaken twins. The mind is a powerful thing.
Dorothy: Think of the 99% you don't use.

Rose: Sophia, I know you're only trying to protect her. But let me tell you about a lesson I learned when I was a little girl in St. Olaf: If you hold a bird gently, the bird will stay. But if you squeeze the bird, his eyes will bug out and Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very huffy and he won't let you touch the birds anymore. And the mice? He won't even let-

Stan: Listen, Marv and I were talking and you know how persuasive he can be. And he said that I should and I thought... Well, he's the lawyer, and that's what I'm paying him for. So why don't you?
Dorothy: Why don't I what?
Stan: Just sign. It's nothing big. It's a little pre-nuptial agreement that says what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine.
Dorothy: You want me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement? You want me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement? Stanley, whatever happened to openness and honesty and trust? Not to mention the 38 years that I spent as your wife, your partner, the mother of your children. The woman who held down two jobs while you were at home, staring at a matchbook, trying to draw "Winky."