Barry: It was early December. I was on my way to watch the Flyers play the Devils in New Jersey.
Murray: Stop! There's no cheesesteak story that ends in Jersey.
Barry: But there is. I took the wrong off-ramp and got lost. As night fell, I grew desperate and hungry. And then, like a cheesy beacon of hope, I saw a lone sandwich shop glowing in the darkness.
Murray: Stop. Just tell us the name of the sandwich shop already.
Barry: That's the thing. I was so overwhelmed by the flavor that I didn't get a chance to look up from my poppy-seed kaiser roll to get a name.
Pops: Poppy-seed kaiser roll on a cheesesteak? It can't be done!
Barry: Oh, they did it. It was the poppiest of rolls, combined with the whizziest of cheeses. It was like eating the sweet butt meat of an angel in- Hey! I'm still talkin'! I didn't finish my awesome true story!

Beverly: Damn it! Quick, grab your pants. The Schwartzes are clearly making a play to take Hanukkah!
Murray: Who's doing what now?
Beverly: Murray, it is crucial that we establish ourselves as the fun parents who host all the holidays. That way, if Geoff and Erica ever get married, they come to us. Not those bastards. Us.
Murray: Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry about things far in the future that I don't care about.
Beverly: Oh, you better care! Hanukkah is a gateway holiday. If they take that, then they take Thanksgiving, then the 4th of July, then we're left with some crap holiday, like Labor Day.
Murray: What's wrong with Labor Day? It's quiet and we eat hot dogs.

Murray: You guys think I'm a bad dad?
Barry: Not you specifically. The song's called "Dads Just Don't Care", all dads.
Murray: You say my first and last name. You're literally shoving me into the garbage.
Barry: True, true. We did do that.
Adam: Come on, it's just a goof. We bust balls, we have fun. You get it.
Murray: Ha. I get it. And you know what? Go [bleep] yourself.
All: Whoa!
Murray: You guys think I nap because I'm lazy? No. I nap because I work my [bleep] fingers to the bone so you little [bleep] can have your dumb [bleep] tennis shoes and your expensive [bleep] cameras.
Andy: Uh I feel like we should go.
Murray: No, you little [bleep] need to hear this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That day, my dad did the one thing every parent wishes they could do. He called his kids out for being spoiled and ungrateful, pulling no punches and speaking from the heart. For my dad, it was a taste of glory.
Murray: And if you remember one thing from this conversation, let it be this Hee-haw-hmm!

Beverly: Oh, my God. Please tell me you made him wear a seatbelt.
Adam: Technically, I didn't get that far.
Beverly: Doesn't matter. You always wear a seatbelt. Why?
Adam: Because of the road pirates.
Pops: What the hell are road pirates?
Adam: They're like sea pirates, but instead of other ships, they plunder mid-sized sedans and hatchbacks.
Beverly: That's right. Without a belt, they'll just reach into the window and yank you out of the car.
Murray: What are these words?! What are you teaching him when I'm not around?

Erica: Long-distance relationships are the worst and never work.
Geoff: Yes, beating the odds!
Barry: See? You guys make it work.
Erica: Yeah, but we barely see each other.
Geoff: And our phone bills are out of control. I had to start mowing lawns.
Barry: Manual labor? Big Tasty's more of a corner-office, feet-up-on-the-desk kinda guy.

Adam: Pops, thank God you're here! There's a major crisis between me and Jackie. Only my love guru can help.
Pops: This is why I sit here waiting all day. Lay it on me, kiddo.
Adam: Hang on to your hat. Turns out, Jackie likes "Star Trek" more than "Star Wars." What do I do?
Pops: About what?
Adam: It's a fact. Force Freaks and Trekkies never get along. We're sworn enemies.
Pops: Okay, here's what you do. Nothing. 'Cause it's all dumb.
Adam: Dumb?! If I date a Trekkie, I lose all my street cred with my boys!
Pops: And just where is this street, and who are these boys?

Adam: Father? Which do you like best? "Star Wars" or "Star Trek"?
Murray: Which is the one with the purple fish?
Adam: Neither of them have purple fish.
Murray: "Star Wars" has got the guy with the little feet, right?
Adam: I have no idea who you're talking about. Do you mean Yoda?
Murray: No.
Adam: Hammerhead?
Murray: No.
Adam: Jawas?
Murray: No! I'm talking about the one guy with the weird head.
Adam: You mean Jabba the Hutt?
Murray: No.
Adam: Greedo?
Murray: No.
Adam: Admiral Ackbar?
Murray: No.
Adam: Aunt Beru?
Murray: Aunt Beru?!
Adam: Gah! I can't do this right now! Jackie and I have major problems to deal with.
Murray: [to himself] And that is how you get out of a ridiculous conversation.

Coach Mellor: All right, that's it! You're outta here! [whistle blows]
Coach Nick: Did you just blow your whistle at me?
Coach Mellor: Yeah, I did! And according to the laws of coaching, that means you got to take a lap!
Coach Nick: No. You take the lap! [whistle blows]
Coach Mellor: How dare you blow your whistle at me in my gymnatorium?! You have no right!
Coach Nick: But I do. This is the Blare-X 2000, the Champagne of whistles, given only to college coaches. So, my whistle wins.
Coach Mellor: Anybody can get a whistle. What really matters is what's in here, and you and I both know I always give 110%.
Coach Nick: And everyone knows I give 111.
Coach Mellor: That's not possible! Everybody knows that 110% is the maximum!

Barry: Dude, look at the laundry basket! Is that one of those impossible-to-fold sheets Mom was tricking us with?
Coach Mellor: You mean fitted? I've danced with a few.
Erica: They're perfect.
Barry: You folded them? How'd you find the corners?
Coach Mellor: You don't find the corners of the sheet. The corners find you.

Erica: Hey! Hi, I'm your roommate, apparently also Erica.
Other Erica: Like, hi. I totally fer sure call top bunk, mostly 'cause your dad already took the bottom.
Beverly: Oh, your roomie's a valley girl. Just like in that movie where everybody's rude and unlikable.
Erica: She'll be gone very soon. Anyway, it's nice to finally meet.
Other Erica: Fer sure.
Erica: Fer sure.
Other Erica: Fer sure.
Erica: Fer sure.
Other Erica: Fer sure.
Erica: Fer sure. Or whatever. I'm not mocking your people.