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40Quotes from ‘Hogan Is My Grandfather’

The Goldbergs: Hogan Is My Grandfather

502. Hogan Is My Grandfather

Aired October 4, 2017

After Adam films Pops talking about his role in World War 2 for a class project, the teacher sees similarities between Pops' stories and the classic sitcom Hogan's Heroes. Meanwhile, Erica realizes that a life of being pampered by Beverly has left her without crucial life skills.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: Dude, look at the laundry basket! Is that one of those impossible-to-fold sheets Mom was tricking us with?
Coach Mellor: You mean fitted? I've danced with a few.
Erica: They're perfect.
Barry: You folded them? How'd you find the corners?
Coach Mellor: You don't find the corners of the sheet. The corners find you.

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Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, morons. Let me get this straight. You two have officially decided to let your mom take care of you for the rest of your lives.
Barry: She seems very open to it.
Murray: Of course she is. How do you not see what she's doing after all this time?
Barry: Dude, do you think she gave us the impossible sheet on purpose?
Murray: Yes. She manipulates you into needing her week after week.
Erica: What are you talking about?
Murray: She made up a medical condition so she could have a sleepover with you in your dorm on your first night of college.
Erica: Well, that certainly is an example.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Well, you've come to the right efficiency apartment. My perpetual single-tude has given me an amazing array of domestic skills. Make yourselves at home in my living room/gym/sitting area/lanai. Brisket? I made that in my gentleman's Crock-Pot.
Geoff: So tender! It falls apart at fork's first touch. Also, how long are we gonna be here?

Quote from Barry

Erica: Oh, we just whipped up a little breakfast of toast, bacon, sausage, ham steak, freshly squeezed juice, and eggy in the hole.
Barry: I use a melon baller now.
Beverly: Why would you make eggy in the hole? I'm the one who makes eggy in the hole.
Erica: Not anymore. We eggy our own holes now.
Barry: Your reign of eggy-ing our holes is over, woman.
Erica: Dad told us all about your little plan to make us need you, but guess what? We learned stuff.
Barry: We can egg any hole, ball any melon, fold any sheet. Top or fitted.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why are you here? Why are you eating my meats?

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Huge news, Murray. Erica's gonna come home every weekend so I can care for her needs.
Murray: That's ridiculous. She's got to learn how to take care of herself, not have you baby her.
Erica: No! Let her baby me, or I'll be rooming with someone's colorful aunt who's trying to reinvent herself, but she can't because it's too late.
Murray: Stop eating my meats. No babying, just teaching.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Oh, I got one. My supply ship got captured and I was taken prisoner.
Adam: Prisoner? Why didn't you lead with that?
Pops: I was building up to it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And I was hooked. Every tale Pops told was better than the last!
Pops: And we got all our instructions from London through a radio we had hidden in a coffee pot.
Adam: That does make sense.
Pops: I had to convince the colonel to let me form a jazz band, which would trigger an avalanche.
Adam: Unbelievable.
Pops: The chimpanzee had nowhere to go, so it only made sense he live with us in our barracks.
Adam: This is gonna be an awesome movie! The script is gonna write itself!
Pops: Go get 'em, Slugger. I'm just gonna jog the ol' memory.

Quote from Barry

Beverly: Okay, then. Uh, let's start with something simple, a fitted sheet. If you can't fold a simple sheet, there's really no hope for you.
Barry: What the hell? Where does it begin, and where does it end?
Erica: Just give it to me, dude. I'll show you how to do it.
Beverly: Oh! Oh, no! I'm stuck. I'm stuck inside. I'm inside of the sheet. You got it?
Erica: No. Oh, wait.
Barry: Oh, no.
Erica: Grab the stretchy part. Nope, that's not the stretchy part.
Barry: I'm gonna die in here!

Quote from Pops

Pops: The year was 1943, and I was a prisoner of war behind enemy lines. As fate would have it, the camp was guarded by two bumbling fools who I outsmarted on a weekly basis. If it wasn't for me, Colonel Klink and his surprisingly lovable sidekick, Sergeant Schultz, would have won the war.

Quote from Adam

Pops: ... Yeah, I lied to you.
Adam: Balls, man! Big balls! I'm in real trouble here. I could be expelled.
Pops: Wait. That movie was for school?
Adam: Yes. I made a movie instead of writing a term paper.
Pops: Why do they keep letting you make movies instead of doing actual work?
Adam: It's a Quaker school. It's very loose.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Erica?! Oh, my God. You're back! Did you come all this way to surprise me?!
Erica: Oh, man. Uh, I mean, hey, you.
Geoff: I've missed you so much!
Erica: Same. But also, I am kind of busy dealing with this thing.
Geoff: Oh, can I help?
Erica: Do you know how to do laundry?
Geoff: Totally. There's this laundry chute by my bedroom, and I just put all my dirty clothes in it. And then a few days later, boom, they're back in my drawer.

Quote from Pops

Pops: No. I told him those stories so I could spend time with him. Also, is this shirt snug? It It feels snug.
Doc: It's incredibly snug.
Pops: Would you mind if I..?
Doc: Be my guest.
Pops: Where was I again?
Doc: You were saying you misrepresented your life as "Hogan's Heroes" in order to impress your grandchild. What's going on now?
Pops: It's the helmet. Damn strap is so tight on my chin.
Doc: You served this country, sir. Just get comfortable.
Pops: Yeah, that's some sweet relief.
Doc: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop all this. I'm gonna let Adam redo his project. But just know, he has to really impress me this time.
Pops: Thank you for showing me the dignity that I deserve. At ease.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Morning, Mom. Fresh-brewed coffee?
Beverly: Yes, thanks, and what the [bleep] is this?

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, how could you do this?
Murray: Make our children responsible adults? I don't know what got into me!

Quote from Erica

Other Erica: Wow. No more going home for Mommy to do your laundry?
Erica: Nope. I'll just be going home for her.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: That's a moving cautionary tale, Goldfarb. You can sit out dodgeball for the whole week.

Quote from Erica

Erica: My jeans are completely bleached and not in the cool, acid-washed kind of way.
Other Erica: How much, like, bleach did you use?
Erica: I don't know, one? One bleach?
Other Erica: You realize you have, like, no basic life skills and it's gross.

Quote from Erica

Other Erica: It's like you don't know how to pick up after yourself or make a bed for yourself or feed yourself.
Erica: What? I prefer to eat out because I don't know how to cook ramen or boil a cow or whatever.
Other Erica: Look, we're friends and stuff, but if you don't learn how to take care of yourself, I'll talk to the RA and get you evicted or whatever.
Erica: You can't do that.
Other Erica: Oh, I can. Get it together, or you'll be living in the mature-students dorm.
Erica: I can't live with moms who are going back to school to get their lives on track.
Other Erica: You either learn fast, or your new roomie will be a divorce who takes pottery classes and listens to Yanni.
Erica: Not Yanni!
Other Erica: Yanni.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Ten-hut!
Doc: What's all this now?
Pops: Name's Albert Solomon, veteran of the Army Quartermaster Corps. I'm here to get my grandson Adam a second chance. Would you do that for a veteran?
Doc: Sir, while I appreciate your service, grades are non-negotiable.
Pops: I think you'll change that policy when you hear me out. Also, I don't remember this jacket being so hot. Would you mind if I..?
Doc: Please, by all means.
Pops: Ahh, that's better. Where was I?
Doc: You're here to defend Adam, even though he plagiarized the greatest show in television history.


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