Murray: Wait, if the clamp gets wet, doesn't it get rusty?
Beverly: Of course it gets rusty. He works around water and metal. That's why he wears a bag over the clamp.
Murray: Ah, come on, there's gotta be a better way to clean pools than a homemade clamp with a bag over it.
Beverly: He's a very determined man!

Beverly: Oh, my God. Please tell me you made him wear a seatbelt.
Adam: Technically, I didn't get that far.
Beverly: Doesn't matter. You always wear a seatbelt. Why?
Adam: Because of the road pirates.
Pops: What the hell are road pirates?
Adam: They're like sea pirates, but instead of other ships, they plunder mid-sized sedans and hatchbacks.
Beverly: That's right. Without a belt, they'll just reach into the window and yank you out of the car.
Murray: What are these words?! What are you teaching him when I'm not around?

Pops: Oy vey, Bev. There is no train.
Beverly: Essie Karp's pool man thought the same thing until, boom! His truck was T-boned by a commuter train. Now he holds the skimmer with a homemade clamp.
Pops: Homemade clamp?
Beverly: It's attached to his shoulder. He opens and shuts it with wires he keeps in his mouth.
Murray: No arm part? Just a clamp and a shoulder?
Beverly: Pulleys. It works very well.
Murray: Wouldn't he just choose a different career if he had a homemade clamp?
Beverly: Skimming is his life, Murray. It's what he knows. It's what he knows!
Adam: Everything you're saying right now is very distracting.

Pops: Please drop it already.
Beverly: You know he cleans gutters in the fall? He just swaps in a scooper for the clamp.
Murray: Scoop? What kind of scooper?
Beverly: [laughs] He scoops with a homemade ladle. He scoops out all the gutters.
Murray: So he's scooping gutters with a homemade ladle?
Beverly: He scoops and skims!
Murray: You expect me to believe that?
Beverly: He scoops in the fall and skims in the summer! Scoops and skims.

Barry: I'll ask around and find the fun.
Erica: What? How are you gonna do that?
Barry: With this here bag of college!
Erica: Bag of wha'?
Barry: College! In it is everything you need to kick ass here. Jean shorts. Tie-dye poncho. Trick dog with leash. Rasta hat. Fake $100 bill, attached to a quarter mile of string. Foam hand. Sacks to hacky. Stunt kite. Oyster crackers. Unicycle! A Snoopy snow-cone machine! Boomerang! Pogo stick. Devil sticks. Drum sticks. Chopsticks. Beef sticks. Pickup sticks. A stick I found.

Beverly: What the hell did you do, Murray?!
Murray: I finally agree with you. That kid should never drive, and he should stay your little baby forever.
Beverly: No, Adam needs to drive!
Murray: Then what's with the cookie business?!
Pops: And the road pirates?
Beverly: I spent the last five years scaring Adam with my stories so he'd be a super terrified, very cautious driver. Now's the time for you to swoop in and call him a moron until he learns to drive.
Murray: Wait, that's your plan?
Beverly: Worked perfectly for Erica and Barry. I don't know what went wrong here.
Pops: I have a theory. Your stories didn't teach him to be cautious. They just terrified a very gullible, anxious child.
Beverly: No one wants your objective opinions based on facts, Dad.
Murray: We'll handle it, Al.

Adam: It's jingling.
Pops: Jingling means keys.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was the sterling-silver Mom locket that all the Goldberg boys got.
Beverly: I put my picture in there so you can always have your mama near your heart.
Barry: Yes! He got the worst gift, too.
Adam: I love it. Thank you, Mama.

Barry: Wait. That's your reaction? You get a garbage locket of Mom instead of a car, and you appreciate it?
Adam: Yeah, I'm good with not getting a car. Or driving in general. You get it.
Barry: No, I don't get it at all!
Adam: I've got no sense of direction, I have bad depth perception due to my lazy eye, and I'm easily startled by birds.
Murray: So you're just not gonna drive?
Adam: Yeah, I'm not so much a driver as the guy who sits behind the driver in the backseat.
Pops: You mean a rich guy?
Adam: Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have play practice. Father, go fetch your driving pants, which are just regular pants you refuse to wear.

Erica: Ugh, look at all these bozos and their lame clubs. The whole point of going to college is to be left alone.
Other Erica: I thought it was more, like, to learn and grow and make lifelong friendships.
Erica: Meh. I've got enough friends.
Other Erica: Do you?

Murray: Okay, moron. Lose the disturbing "Mom" necklace, take these keys. I'm teaching you how to drive.
Adam: Ooooooh. I'd love to, but the ol' ball 'n' chain says I'll learn when I'm ready, nomasayin'?
Murray: I say you're ready right now.
Adam: But what about all the horrible things Mom says will happen if I don't drive good?
Murray: What horrible things?
Adam: I could get a stop sign through the heart! Or a guard rail through the heart! Or a mailbox through the heart!
Murray: Why are all these things going through your heart? That's not even possible.
Adam: Tell that to Mom's friend Sheila's nephew. He was driving at dangerous speeds, and he flipped his car and got a mailbox- [gestures through the heart]