Barry: [rap-singing] Barry Goldberg, JTP, William Penn Academy, Fighting Quakers, North Philly, Principal Ball, Coach Mellor is good at sports, And he wears those tiny shorts, Cecil the janitor is mopping up the hall
Johnny Atkins: It's true! He mopped up something I spilled this morning!
Barry: Mr. Glascott is a nerd, Feather Locklear is his bird, Miss Tabs habla espanol, Lunch lady is really old, Mr. Woodburn is so mean, Cinoman's the drama queen, Then there's Doc throwin' chalk, That guy is out of control, Burnouts, nerds, and jocks, Jamie Weisman's really hot, Taz Money, Dave Kim, Chad Kremp - What's up with him? Jackie and my brother, Adrock, My sensei is my granddad, Watch me flip this on the floor, I can't take it anymore.

Barry: One question. Why is it funny? No one on Earth would name their son Who!
Matt: He's right. Kind of lame.
Barry: Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make this actually funny by changing all the names.
Pops: Don't change the names.
Barry: First base is Mr. ClownFarts. Second base is Bob Frapples. And third base is Giant [bleep]face.
Pops: No! Those aren't real names!
Barry: They're more real than your first baseman, Mr. Who!
Pops: It makes no sense! No parent with the last name of [bleep]face would name their child "Giant"! Ever!
Barry: Then what would they name him?
Pops: Josh!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ever since I was a kid, Billy Joel was my musical idol. I loved every album and video, but he blew my mind when he released a song like no other We didn't start the fire "We Didn't Start the Fire" was an instant classic. The moment I heard it, I was obsessed.
Adam: What is he doing? It's like Billy Joel is singing, but also rapping.
Barry: No, it's like he's rapping, but also singing.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It became a point of pride to memorize the lyrics. And back before the Internet, the only way to learn them was to just listen.
Murray: The hell are you doing?! It's the middle of the night!
Adam: Dad, thank God. Is it "Pumajob?" or "Pacman job?" Put on the damn headphones. What is he saying?
Murray: He's saying you're a moron. Now go to bed, and also learn some history!

Beverly: Damn it! Quick, grab your pants. The Schwartzes are clearly making a play to take Hanukkah!
Murray: Who's doing what now?
Beverly: Murray, it is crucial that we establish ourselves as the fun parents who host all the holidays. That way, if Geoff and Erica ever get married, they come to us. Not those bastards. Us.
Murray: Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry about things far in the future that I don't care about.
Beverly: Oh, you better care! Hanukkah is a gateway holiday. If they take that, then they take Thanksgiving, then the 4th of July, then we're left with some crap holiday, like Labor Day.
Murray: What's wrong with Labor Day? It's quiet and we eat hot dogs.

Erica: Ooh, one problem, you're not invited.
Beverly: Please. Linda and Lou Schwartz are friends. They'd love to have us.
Erica: You've never even talked to them.
Beverly: Well, I sent Linda a beautifully-worded note when Murray ran over her foot.
Murray: I signed my name at the bottom.

Adam: So, yes. We didn't start the fire. In fact, it burned right from Harry Truman to the great cola wars.
Doc: Normally, I am not a fan of popular music, but this song teaches and entertains.
Adam: You don't like music?
Doc: No. I enjoy the dulcet tones of AM talk radio.
Adam: That's sad. I feel sad for you. I mean, traffic, sports, weather, you've got it all.

Barry: You're no Piano Man.
Adam: Tell that to Jackie, who strongly urged my hot bod to do the talent show.
Barry: Come on! What upside-down world are we living in here? How do you have a girlfriend and confidence and a modest amount of popularity?
Adam: Hello! Pops! He's helped me with all of it. He's even the one who gave me the idea to serenade Jackie, and like always, he was right.
Barry: Wait, you take love advice from our old grandpa who uses an entire tin of cream cheese on one bagel?

Pops: Hey, my bagel!
Barry: Forget the bagel. Schmear me with knowledge, old timer.
Pops: Wait. Are you actually coming to me for advice?
Barry: I realized you made Adam suck way less.Be my sensei, and I will follow whatever ancient wisdom you have in that tired old frame of yours.
Pops: As insulting as that is, why not? I like a good challenge.

Barry: Harry Truman, Doris Day-
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back before Google, it took patience and a good ear. Sadly, Barry had neither.
Barry: Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough Nose hairs and pro coffee pots Rock your fella, salmonella Chickens say "Bock!" Toy bone, on the phone Tossed panini, yay scones Ben's friend Lew Falls Walk around the block Barf-O, booed a breast Slamma Jamma, crew's Chest Prince is great, paper plates Trouble with Aunt Suzy We didn't start the fire Blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah You get it!

Barry: What do you think?
Adam: I think it's amazing. Do the song exactly like that, pal. Never let me stand in your way again.
Barry: A more insecure man would wonder why he's so pleased. But I'm not such a man.