Murray: What kind of college has hard candies lying around?
Beverly: You don't know! There could be a lobby with a dish.
Murray: Are you watching that S.O.B. Phil Donahue again?
Beverly: He did an expose on choking hazards, Murray. Did you know that hard candy kills more people than smoking?
Murray: That gray-haired bastard. All he does is make you worry.

Beverly: Here, try Bevy's secret hangover recipe.
Other Erica: Why does it smell like fish?
Beverly: That's the shrimp. It's the aspirin of the sea. Drink up.

Murray: You guys think I'm a bad dad?
Barry: Not you specifically. The song's called "Dads Just Don't Care", all dads.
Murray: You say my first and last name. You're literally shoving me into the garbage.
Barry: True, true. We did do that.
Adam: Come on, it's just a goof. We bust balls, we have fun. You get it.
Murray: Ha. I get it. And you know what? Go [bleep] yourself.
All: Whoa!
Murray: You guys think I nap because I'm lazy? No. I nap because I work my [bleep] fingers to the bone so you little [bleep] can have your dumb [bleep] tennis shoes and your expensive [bleep] cameras.
Andy: Uh I feel like we should go.
Murray: No, you little [bleep] need to hear this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That day, my dad did the one thing every parent wishes they could do. He called his kids out for being spoiled and ungrateful, pulling no punches and speaking from the heart. For my dad, it was a taste of glory.
Murray: And if you remember one thing from this conversation, let it be this Hee-haw-hmm!

Beverly: Murray, Erica's throwing a party.
Murray: And I'm spinning out. We all got our stuff.
Beverly: Donahue did a show about the horrors of college ragers. Did you know that a keg can roll over a kid just like the boulder in "Indiana Jones"? What should I do?
Murray: Don't ask me. The boys just wrote a song about what a garbage dad I am.
Beverly: Oh, please, stop overreacting. Now, where are my keys? I got to drive to D.C. and save Erica before Donahue does a special on her.

Beverly: Murray, she picked up for a split second and then hung up. There's only one explanation.
Murray: She doesn't want to talk to you. Go to sleep.
Beverly: No. She was obviously eating a hard candy, and it got lodged in her throat. And when she grabbed the phone to call 911, she passed out!

Barry: [rapping] Now, here's a little story about our dad He calls us morons when he gets real mad He doesn't wear pants, and he sits in a chair You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care Oh-kay, here's the situation Our dad has a problem with flatulation He doesn't care about anything, for real I got an "A" on a test, and he said, "Big deal" He has no worries, he has no fears He hasn't seen a doctor in 15 years If we come to our dad and we need to cry He says, "You're ruining this episode of 'Magnum, P.I.' Can't you see I'm busy and don't wanna be bothered? Sometimes I ask God why he made me a father Now leave me alone and go upstairs" You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care If you don't know our dad, hey, don't worry Last name Goldberg, first name Murray Most dads play catch and throw around a ball But our dad doesn't care about his kids at all.
Adam & Barry: M to the G berg! What a failure!

Barry: What up, JTP?
All: [meekly] Uh, JTP.
Barry: Okay, what's the deal? Your "JTPs" have been low-energy all week.
Matt: When your dad chewed you out with those R-rated Richard Pryor words, it, like, changed us.
Naked Rob: Yeah. I realized my old man's more than just a landscaper who punches holes in the wall when the Eagles lose. He's a hero.
Matt: This morning, as my dad was leaving for his desk job at the bank, I just hugged him so tight.
Andy: I got my dad flowers, and he was like, "What's wrong with you?!" And I was like, "I see you." And then he broke down crying in his car.

Adam: I love how Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince are always super funny and rap about happy stuff.
Barry: And yet they still have edge. I mean, these dudes are basically identical to us.
Adam: Really? I don't think the mean streets of West Philly are anything like the quiet cul-de-sacs of Jenkintown.
Barry: Dude, think about it. Fresh Prince raps about how he hates homework, loves video games, and how all parents just don't understand.
Adam: That does sound like us.

Barry: Dude, stop singing my part! Clearly, if we were a hip-hop duo, you would be Jazzy Jeff and I'd be The Fresh Prince.
Adam: I don't want to be the Jazzy Jeff. He just stands in the back and bops his head.
Barry: Everything falls apart without the bop.
Adam: Then you be him. You bop.
Barry: I don't wanna to bop.
Adam: What if we both be The Fresh Prince? Wait, is that even allowed? Can there be two?
Barry: [gasps] Did we just become a rap duo whose future's so bright, we got to wear chains?
Adam: That's for sure not the expression, but, yes, I think we did.

Barry: Neon the color of the streets.
Beverly: Ugh, too bright. Here, try this on. What's wrong? This shirt cost $20.
Barry: This shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar.
Adam: What are you doing? You'll ruin my rep.
Beverly: You're only 16. You don't have a rep yet.
Barry: Let's put these clothes back, please?
Beverly: No. You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show. Here, try on these double-knit, reversible slacks.