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44Quotes from ‘Parents Just Don't Understand’

The Goldbergs: Parents Just Don't Understand

509. Parents Just Don't Understand

Aired December 6, 2017

Murray is upset when Barry and Adam make a rap video about how much he doesn't care as a father. Meanwhile, Erica feels Beverly cares too much when she keeps calling her at college.

Quote from Murray

Murray: What kind of college has hard candies lying around?
Beverly: You don't know! There could be a lobby with a dish.
Murray: Are you watching that S.O.B. Phil Donahue again?
Beverly: He did an expose on choking hazards, Murray. Did you know that hard candy kills more people than smoking?
Murray: That gray-haired bastard. All he does is make you worry.

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Here, try Bevy's secret hangover recipe.
Other Erica: Why does it smell like fish?
Beverly: That's the shrimp. It's the aspirin of the sea. Drink up.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You guys think I'm a bad dad?
Barry: Not you specifically. The song's called "Dads Just Don't Care", all dads.
Murray: You say my first and last name. You're literally shoving me into the garbage.
Barry: True, true. We did do that.
Adam: Come on, it's just a goof. We bust balls, we have fun. You get it.
Murray: Ha. I get it. And you know what? Go [bleep] yourself.
All: Whoa!
Murray: You guys think I nap because I'm lazy? No. I nap because I work my [bleep] fingers to the bone so you little [bleep] can have your dumb [bleep] tennis shoes and your expensive [bleep] cameras.
Andy: Uh I feel like we should go.
Murray: No, you little [bleep] need to hear this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That day, my dad did the one thing every parent wishes they could do. He called his kids out for being spoiled and ungrateful, pulling no punches and speaking from the heart. For my dad, it was a taste of glory.
Murray: And if you remember one thing from this conversation, let it be this Hee-haw-hmm!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray, she picked up for a split second and then hung up. There's only one explanation.
Murray: She doesn't want to talk to you. Go to sleep.
Beverly: No. She was obviously eating a hard candy, and it got lodged in her throat. And when she grabbed the phone to call 911, she passed out!

Quote from Barry

Barry: [rapping] Now, here's a little story about our dad He calls us morons when he gets real mad He doesn't wear pants, and he sits in a chair You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care Oh-kay, here's the situation Our dad has a problem with flatulation He doesn't care about anything, for real I got an "A" on a test, and he said, "Big deal" He has no worries, he has no fears He hasn't seen a doctor in 15 years If we come to our dad and we need to cry He says, "You're ruining this episode of 'Magnum, P.I.' Can't you see I'm busy and don't wanna be bothered? Sometimes I ask God why he made me a father Now leave me alone and go upstairs" You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care If you don't know our dad, hey, don't worry Last name Goldberg, first name Murray Most dads play catch and throw around a ball But our dad doesn't care about his kids at all.
Adam & Barry: M to the G berg! What a failure!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray, Erica's throwing a party.
Murray: And I'm spinning out. We all got our stuff.
Beverly: Donahue did a show about the horrors of college ragers. Did you know that a keg can roll over a kid just like the boulder in "Indiana Jones"? What should I do?
Murray: Don't ask me. The boys just wrote a song about what a garbage dad I am.
Beverly: Oh, please, stop overreacting. Now, where are my keys? I got to drive to D.C. and save Erica before Donahue does a special on her.

Quote from Barry

Adam: I love how Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince are always super funny and rap about happy stuff.
Barry: And yet they still have edge. I mean, these dudes are basically identical to us.
Adam: Really? I don't think the mean streets of West Philly are anything like the quiet cul-de-sacs of Jenkintown.
Barry: Dude, think about it. Fresh Prince raps about how he hates homework, loves video games, and how all parents just don't understand.
Adam: That does sound like us.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Dude, stop singing my part! Clearly, if we were a hip-hop duo, you would be Jazzy Jeff and I'd be The Fresh Prince.
Adam: I don't want to be the Jazzy Jeff. He just stands in the back and bops his head.
Barry: Everything falls apart without the bop.
Adam: Then you be him. You bop.
Barry: I don't wanna to bop.
Adam: What if we both be The Fresh Prince? Wait, is that even allowed? Can there be two?
Barry: [gasps] Did we just become a rap duo whose future's so bright, we got to wear chains?
Adam: That's for sure not the expression, but, yes, I think we did.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: Neon the color of the streets.
Beverly: Ugh, too bright. Here, try this on. What's wrong? This shirt cost $20.
Barry: This shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar.
Adam: What are you doing? You'll ruin my rep.
Beverly: You're only 16. You don't have a rep yet.
Barry: Let's put these clothes back, please?
Beverly: No. You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show. Here, try on these double-knit, reversible slacks.

Quote from Naked Rob

Adam: The secret behind Fresh Prince's success is his rhymes are always about funny, universal topics.
Barry: Example: Parents just don't understand. Naked Rob, do your parents understand?
Naked Rob: No, they don't. They said I should at least wear flip-flops outside. Naked Rob don't do flip-flops.

Quote from Adam

Barry: Gah! I'm super fired up and angry, 'cause they refuse to understand.
Adam: Which means all we got to do is write a song that speaks to every kid our age, too.
Barry: Easy. Let's do a song called "Grown Ups Just Don't Get It."
Adam: That's kind of just another way of saying "Parents Just Don't Understand."
Geoff: Okay, what about "Parents Just Do Understand"?
Barry: Yeah, but we flip it so it's "Parents Don't Understand."
Adam: Oh, my God. That's just the same song as theirs.
Barry: Fine! Then double flip it "Children Just Do Understand"!
Adam: And what do we understand?
Barry: That all parents don't understand. We did it!
Adam: No! We just keep circling back to the same thing.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Um, okay. So, what's going on?
Geoff: Not much, just here in my home, in in my house, where where I sit currently, on my bed, i-in my room.
Erica: Your room? I thought your parents took your phone away because of our long-distance bills.
Geoff: I just got a new one. It's yellow, and it's real. And how are your booms?
Erica: What?
Geoff: Your booms. Are- Are- Are you going boom? Because a healthy girl goes boom.
Erica: Ew. What the hell, dude?
Geoff: I'm sorry, does that mean that you're not going boom? J-Just answer the question. I'm so sorry about this!
Beverly: Forget the booms. Move on.
Geoff: Let's talk toenails. Are you clipping your toenails the right way? Because curved clippings make ingrowns. Oh, God, this is hard.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Did someone else pick up?
Geoff: Nope. Ignore that. It's just me in my house alone.
Barry: Hello?
Erica: Hello?
Barry: Hello?
Beverly: [whispering] Say something!
Geoff: Hello?
Barry: Hello?
Erica: Barry?
Barry: Did I dial you? That's so weird. I don't even know your number.
Erica: What? No. Geoff dialed me. Geoff?
Geoff: Yep! Uh, Barry's here, too, hanging out with me in my house. JTP!

Quote from Geoff

Barry: Can you guys get off my line? I'm trying to call the library to find out what things rhyme with "Father."
Geoff: "Bother"! Now get off the phone! [PHONE DIALING] Oh, God.
Erica: Hello?!
Barry: Hello?
Adam: Hello?
Erica: Adam?
Adam: Hi, Mrs. Geary, is Jackie there?
Erica: It's Erica, dorkus. Why are you at Geoff's house, too?
Adam: Geoff's house?
Geoff: Yeah, my house! Go do nerd stuff at your house, Adam!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Adam, look! We blew them away!
Matt: Dude, I got to be honest. This song is very mean and hurtful.
Naked Rob: Yeah. I-I think what happened here is you two were egging each other on in a vacuum and lost all perspective.
Andy: But the good news is, you were smart enough to run it by us first.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That would have been smart, if we hadn't already given our dad a copy.
Barry: Yes. That is what we did.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Okay, we've got the party ball, the Solo cups, the black lights. Now we just need a theme.
Other Erica: It's our first major rager, so we got to go, like, stupid big so the campus knows we mean business. So, I was thinking "King Tuts and Egyptian Sluts."
Erica: Delta Fi just did "King Tuts and Egyptian Butts." Wait, I got it. "Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum."

Quote from Andy

Barry: What up, JTP?
All: [meekly] Uh, JTP.
Barry: Okay, what's the deal? Your "JTPs" have been low-energy all week.
Matt: When your dad chewed you out with those R-rated Richard Pryor words, it, like, changed us.
Naked Rob: Yeah. I realized my old man's more than just a landscaper who punches holes in the wall when the Eagles lose. He's a hero.
Murray: This morning, as my dad was leaving for his desk job at the bank I just hugged him so tight.
Andy: I got my dad flowers, and he was like, "What's wrong with you?!" And I was like, "I see you." And then he broke down crying in his car.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ohh! Loose keg. Donahue was right. Mama's comin', baby.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Enough. My neighbor's gardener's son fell off of a dresser, and now he spends his whole life with a comfort dog.
Beverly: It's true. He also does swim therapy and fist fights with his own shadow. Hi, sweet face.

Quote from Barry

Barry: [rapping] Oh-kay, here's the situation We may have made a few harsh accusations But our dad cares about us in many ways When we go out to eat, he's the guy who pays And he buys us clothes and books and more He'll even buy the stuff that we break in a store When it comes to spending big, our dad's no fool That's why he put us both in private school
Adam & Barry: Our dad pays for stuff!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] After those super-kind rhymes, our dad was sure to forgive us.
Murray: Mm, no.
Adam & Barry: No?!
Murray: The only nice thing you can say about me is that I pay for stuff? What am I, a bank?
Barry: Banks are awesome. They have unlimited money and lollipops.
Murray: I know what a bank is!
Barry: All the tellers are named Debbie. They can turn your dollar bills into coins.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hello, Father. We see you're enjoying your morning meal of Steak-umms and eggs.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Look, are you the perfect father? Not even close. You're way too loud. You're constantly aggravated.
Barry: You're super gassy.
Adam: You once fell asleep during a parent-teacher conference.
Barry: You once fell asleep at Thanksgiving dinner.
Adam: You fell asleep at a stoplight many times.
Barry: You've got a real problem with sleep, man.
Murray: Are you done with your apology?
Adam: No. You may be all those things, but you're also the most dependable dad any kid could ask for.
Barry: We know, at the end of every day, you're gonna be there in that chair, without pants on, making sure we have food and clothes and whatever stupid thing we want.
Adam: We know you're always gonna protect us from the world, from ourselves, from anything bad.
Barry: And no, you're not perfect, but you're our dad.
Adam: And we love you.
Murray: Let's just forget about this and move on.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: When Erica lived here, she was fed and clothed and had easy BMs. Now I don't know what's going on, and it's torture.


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