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44Quotes from ‘Jackie Likes Star Trek’

The Goldbergs: Jackie Likes Star Trek

505. Jackie Likes Star Trek

Aired October 25, 2017

As their couples Halloween costume causes tension between Adam and Jackie, Murray offers some advice on compromise from his long marriage. Meanwhile, Barry and Lainey question their long-distance romance.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Father? Which do you like best? "Star Wars" or "Star Trek"?
Murray: Which is the one with the purple fish?
Adam: Neither of them have purple fish.
Murray: "Star Wars" has got the guy with the little feet, right?
Adam: I have no idea who you're talking about. Do you mean Yoda?
Murray: No.
Adam: Hammerhead?
Murray: No.
Adam: Jawas?
Murray: No! I'm talking about the one guy with the weird head.
Adam: You mean Jabba the Hutt?
Murray: No.
Adam: Greedo?
Murray: No.
Adam: Admiral Ackbar?
Murray: No.
Adam: Aunt Beru?
Murray: Aunt Beru?!
Adam: Gah! I can't do this right now! Jackie and I have major problems to deal with.
Murray: [to himself] And that is how you get out of a ridiculous conversation.

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Quote from Pops

Adam: Pops, thank God you're here! There's a major crisis between me and Jackie. Only my love guru can help.
Pops: This is why I sit here waiting all day. Lay it on me, kiddo.
Adam: Hang on to your hat. Turns out, Jackie likes "Star Trek" more than "Star Wars." What do I do?
Pops: About what?
Adam: It's a fact. Force Freaks and Trekkies never get along. We're sworn enemies.
Pops: Okay, here's what you do. Nothing. 'Cause it's all dumb.
Adam: Dumb?! If I date a Trekkie, I lose all my street cred with my boys!
Pops: And just where is this street, and who are these boys?

Quote from Barry

Erica: Long-distance relationships are the worst and never work.
Geoff: Yes, beating the odds!
Barry: See? You guys make it work.
Erica: Yeah, but we barely see each other.
Geoff: And our phone bills are out of control. I had to start mowing lawns.
Barry: Manual labor? Big Tasty's more of a corner-office, feet-up-on-the-desk kinda guy.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Me and Jackie are doomed. There's no saving this relationship.
Beverly: Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhear through the vent in the upstairs bathroom. Schmoo, if you want relationship advice, just look at me and your dad. We've been making it work for 25 years.
Murray: Makin' it work!
Beverly: Sure, we bicker. But in the end, we always compromise.
Murray: Right you are!
Beverly: There's no reason you can't do that with your space movies, right, Mur?
Murray: When you're right, you're right, Bevy.
Beverly: [aughs] He's a lug, but I love him.
Murray: Lady loves a lug. [smooches] Smack-diggity!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Don't do a damn thing she said.
Adam: Uh, what? But, I-
Murray: Shut up, shut up! Listen to me. In any healthy relationship, there is no compromise.
Adam: So what is there?
Murray: Total defeat. Your only choice? Become a shell of a man.
Adam: What? That sounds like a horrible way to live.
Murray: It is, but it works. It keeps your mom and I chugging along.
Adam: And that's what I want with Jackie. To chug forever.
Murray: Then meet me in your room in five minutes.
Adam: Can't we just-
Murray: No! [whispering] It's not safe here! It's not safe.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Son, today, I'm gonna pass on to you my greatest legacy, how to be a shell of a man.
Adam: Your legacy seems sad.
Murray: This is all I've got.
Adam: Totally fair.
Murray: Lesson one, the think 'n' nod. When your woman's asking you your opinion, you act like you're thinking about it, and then you nod in agreement.
Adam: But if my answer is always a dumb nod, won't Jackie catch on?
Murray: You'd think so. But deep down, they don't want our opinions.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Lesson two, the smile and echo. Whenever your girl is jabbering on, you smile at her and then you echo the last thing she says to you.
Adam: That can't possibly work.
Murray: Bevy, what was that thing you wanted me to do with the thing?!
Beverly: You mean shopping for towels?
Murray: Yeah, shopping for towels.
Beverly: Don't you worry. I just picked up this adorable set from the clearance bin.
Beverly: Don't you love them?
Murray: I love them!
Beverly: And I love you. In fact, I'm gonna go make you that butterscotch pudding you like so much.
Murray: See? I like getting along.
Adam: I gotta take some notes.
Murray: No, no! There can't be a paper trail.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Question. Isn't it soul crushing to never share your opinions?
Murray: Sure. But that brings us to our final lesson, the tampening.
Adam: The tampening?
Murray: You tamp down all the rage and fury deep into your body, like this. Watch. [exhales slowly]
Adam: That can't be good for you.
Murray: But the pudding helps.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Dad, thank God you're here. There is a major crisis between me and Murray and we need your help.
Pops: Well, I'm 0 for 1, but let's give it a shot.
Murray: Great. Which towel do you like best? The entire life we've built depends on it.
Pops: Dammit! Why does everyone around here fight over such nonsense?

Quote from Pops

Adam: Do I really need to be here for this?
Beverly: Yes, you need to see how a healthy relationship works. Pick my towel, Daddy.
Pops: Well, this one is the ugliest shade of brown I've ever seen. And this big one looks like the sail of a clipper ship.
Murray: Gah! Who asked you?!
Pops: You did!

Quote from Adam

Jackie: Actually, there is no debate. "Trek" is better because it's about humanity's quest for knowledge and peace.
Adam: A quest for peace in the stars means no wars, which means the entire point of "Star Trek" is to eliminate "Star Wars". No, no! We're just talking! I'm not super angry at all!
Jackie: This is our first costume as a couple. It's a very big statement, which is why I should be Uhura and you should be Spock.
Adam: You want me to go out in public with a bowl cut and pointy elf ears? No, no. [exhales sharply]

Quote from Naked Rob

Naked Rob: I'll go first. Oh, mystical Ouija. Will there ever be more lenient laws on public nudity? Please say yes. Come on. Yes, Naked Rob wins!

Quote from Andy

Andy: I got one. Will I still hit that senior-year growth spurt my mother promised me? My mother lied!

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Dude, Forget Lainey.
Barry: I can't help it! She's visiting Erica this weekend. It's like every time I close my eyes, I smell her Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" perfume.
Geoff: That's just me. What? It's unisex.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You're right. No more calling Lainey. On an unrelated note, Geoff, what's my sister's number?
Erica: [answering the phone] Hello?
Barry: Just making my weekly phone call to make sure our bond is still strong.
Erica: You have never once called me before this very moment. The last words you said to me were, "Your bedroom is now my fart closet."
Barry: [laughs] That does sound like me. Anywho, how's it going? Having fun? Learning stuff? Are you near Lainey? And I don't care about you! Put her on the phone!

Quote from Lainey

Erica: Dude, he is obsessed.
Lainey: [scoffs] So emotionally out of control. Gosh, I miss that cute, shouty, red face.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Actually, I've come around on the "Star Trek" thing.
Jackie: Wait, really? You're gonna be my Spock?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, I hit Jackie with each and every one of my dad's relationship techniques. I nodded.
Adam: I'll I'll be your Spock.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You're, like, the best boyfriend ever.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And I echoed.
Adam: I am, like, the best boyfriend ever.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And finally,
Jackie: I rented "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home." Should we watch it?
Adam: Mm...
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And I tampened like I'd never tampened before.
Murray: Come on.
Adam: [groans] Yeah. I will watch your thing.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: And that's why I became a father.
Beverly: Really? You became a dad so you could teach your son to be a jackass?
Murray: Hey, there she is.
Beverly: Stop it! How could you teach him all these terrible tricks?
Murray: What tricks?
Beverly: The think 'n' nod? The smile and echo?
Murray: How'd you learn about those tricks?
Beverly: Adam wrote 'em down.
Murray: You cracked Adam's code?
Beverly: You mean just not using vowels? Yes. How could you teach our son that that's how our relationship works?
Murray: Because that is how it works. You don't want my opinions about how ugly your towels are.
Beverly: You hate my towels? Those towels are soft and beautiful.
Murray: Mm, those towels are soft and beautiful.
Beverly: Well, thank you. I mean, that's- Oh, oh, gah! Stop it!

Quote from Murray

Murray: I told you not to write it down, you moron!
Jackie: What's that all about?
Adam: Who knows? Let's just focus on the thing we both love "Star Trek IV, Spock Does San Francisco."
Murray: You ruined a life today!

Quote from Adam

Jackie: Aww, you look as cute as a button.
Adam: I do look as cute as a button.
Jackie: We're gonna have the best Halloween ever.
Adam: We are gonna have the best Halloween ever.
Jackie: You're acting weird.
Adam: I am acting weird. [chuckles] See? We agree on everything and you're happy.

Quote from Barry

Andy: Hey, Bar? It's been an hour. I don't think you have to keep carrying her around like she's Debra Winger.
Barry: I'll carry Lainey in my arms until everyone in here knows I am the officer and she is my gentleman.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Erica, so glad you're finally here!
Erica: Hi, baby.
Geoff: Now our couples costume makes sense. See? I'm Marty McFly and you're his mom. Oh, boy, what have we done?

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Can I go back to being sad and alone?
Beverly: No. Adam I'm sorry we mixed in. The truth is, I talk a big game about compromise, but deep down [sighs] I am a lady who likes to call the shots.
Murray: And deep down, I'm good with that.
Beverly: Really? You mean that, Mur?
Murray: More than anything.
Beverly: See? We do compromise, just in our own way.
Adam: I get it. Even if it is super unhealthy and a terrible example.
Murray: But it works for us.

Quote from Adam

Jackie: You do know that that was complete gibberish, right?
Adam: I tried learning Klingon.
Jackie: For me?
Adam: Yeah. All I'm trying to say is I love you.
Jackie: I know.
Adam: Wait, are you quoting the Carbonite scene from "Empire Strikes Back"?
Jackie: I am quoting the Carbonite scene from "Empire Strikes Back."
Adam: Okay, that's the smile 'n' echo.


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