Philip: Give it to me. "The coveted Urban Spirit Award given to Los Angeles' outstanding Black leaders will be presented tonight to distinguished attorney Philip Banks." Oh, this is well-written. "Known to his barnyard companions as Zeke, Banks is no stranger to accolades. This ex-hog-handler slopped his way to the top with the help of his trusted companion, Melvin the pig." Who is responsible for this?
Will: [enters] Yo, yo, yo, yo. Hey, Uncle Zeke. I got your 100 black and whites.
Philip: I can't believe this. How did they get all these stories about the pig?
Will: All right, all right, all right. I wasn't going to tell you, but... [points to himself and smiles]
Philip: You!
Vivian: Will, honey run.

Philip: I must be kidding myself. I had it all planned out. There was my family, all lined up to meet the press. There I was, with my perfect image. Philip Banks pulled himself up from the streets with his own bootstraps. The only problem was, I didn't have it that hard. I had two parents who loved me and were always there for me and worked hard to make sure I'd have everything they never had.
Will: I mean, why are you worried so much about your image? The truth sounds real good to me.
Philip: I don't think my mother will ever forgive me.
Will: Man, you must be tripping. Granny's great. Just explain it to her.
Philip: Will, there's something you have to learn. Sometimes parents just don't understand. [Will looks to camera]

Vivian: This is serious. Hilary wants him to live in our pool house.
Philip: Well, that shouldn't matter to you, Vivian. You're the one who invited Ashtray. In fact, why don't we invite some more of Will's friends out? Let's just put a big neon sign out in front of the house that says "Homeboy Hotel."

[flashback:]
Vivian: Well, I'm going to bed. I hope you realize how lucky you were that you weren't kicked out of school.
Will: Lucky? I gotta work every day after school to pay off the desk repair.
Philip: Before I cry myself to sleep, may I leave you with a few words of advice? If at some point tomorrow, or during my lifetime for that matter, you come up with another brilliant idea for something to do at school, stop.
Do nothing. Just stand there doing nothing, saying nothing, arms at your side like a zombie. Breathing just enough to keep the blood circulating. And no more. Could you do that for me?
Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I wasn't listening. What did you say?
[Phil lunges at Will before Vivian pulls him away]
Vivian: Good night, Will. Lock your door when you go to bed.

Will: Aunt Viv, I'm telling you, this babe is tripping. She's already telling me what to do, what to eat, where to look.
Philip: Well, women get like that.
Vivian: Get like what?
Philip: You know.
Vivian: No, Philip, I do not. Women get like what?
Will: Like that.
Vivian: You say something, William?
Geoffrey: Master William, Mr. Jazz is here to see you.
Will: Thank you, G.
Vivian: What do women get like? I am waiting. Hello!

Will: Hey, I'm telling you, Carlton was a little bit of that. Uncle Phil, I didn't know he had it in him. He just stood right up to Janet and said: "Baby, that's about all that lip I'm going to have."
Philip: Boys, you've got a lot to learn about women. Carlton has obviously been watching me in action. Now, Will... [Vivian walks up behind Phil] Your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy at times. But when she starts bossing me around, I don't let it bother me. I just say no in a strong, masculine voice. And when I say no, she jumps.
Vivian: Excuse me. What did you say?
Philip: I don't know. How long have you been there?
Vivian: I came in on, "Your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy sometimes."
Philip: So you didn't hear the part where I said: "Boys, the rest of this statement is completely untrue."
Vivian: Philip, you better sleep with one eye open. [exits]
Philip: I got her just where I want her.

Philip: Well, my favorite Shakespeare play is King Lear. The story of a strong, loving father destroyed by his children.

Dr. Hoover: Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.
Philip: Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Will: Please, my humble brothers, please-
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Philip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.
Dr. Hoover: Impressive. You must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Philip: The point is, I was wrong. I lost control. Ashley, baby, in the future, I hope you'll do what I say and not what I did. Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight. Really, really good... I was wrong. Sometimes, what feels good is wrong.
Will: [smiles] Yeah.
Philip: Everything that feels good is wrong. Everything. Do you understand me?
Ashley: Yes. Okay.

Philip: You see that, Vivian? Outright defiance. That boy just does whatever he wants to, and I am sick of it!
Vivian: This just doesn't seem like Will.
Philip: Vivian, can we just drop the subject and go have dinner?
Vivian: Look, Philip, I know that I don't have all the facts but if Will says he has a job, I believe him.
Philip: Vivian, you are so naive. You'd believe that boy if he were to tell you he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum.