Lester: Come on, Phil. We got time to get a good two hours of skiing in before dinner.
Aunt Helen: Well, hold it right there, Jean-Claude. I hope you're planning to take some skiing lessons.
Lester: I don't need lessons. I know how to ski.
[cut to a pair of paramedics helping Lester back into the cabin with his leg in a cast:]
Paramedic: Just keep him comfortable.
Aunt Helen: Forget comfortable. He's lucky I'm keeping him at all. Don't ever scare me like that again.
Bobby: Daddy. When you were rolling down that big hill you looked just like Gumby.
Will: Yeah, Uncle Les. And you sounded like Patti LaBelle.

Aunt Helen: So, so, so did you whiz in the tube?
Janice: Oh, it's upstairs. I'm afraid to look at it by myself. I want all of you guys to share this with me.
Aunt Helen: Come on, girl. This is a pregnancy test, not an order of nachos.

Vivian: Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. Why don't we just try and get some sleep?
Vy: It's not quite that simple. There are only enough beds for seven of us, remember?
Aunt Helen: Well, I'm not sleeping with anyone but Lester. Except maybe Denzel Washington.
Philip: Look, I know how to settle this. Everybody who chipped in on renting this cabin gets a bed.
Will: Time out, time out. That means all the kids have to sleep on the floor.
Adults: [in unison] Works for me.

Lester: Hey, look what I found. A tea bag.
Will: Hey, it ain't a Belgian waffle but it'll do. Pass it around.
Vy: You know what? This reminds me of the Christmas that Mama got laid off from work and she brought us home those dolls, remember?
Vivian: Oh, yeah!
Janice: Oh, yeah.
Aunt Helen: Yeah, she couldn't afford their clothes, so she told us they were topless.

Aunt Helen: Vivian, last night I followed Lester. He drove over to this cute little house with this cute little picket fence and this cute little homewrecker opened the door.
Vivian: I would have been reaching for my cute little crowbar.
Aunt Helen: I couldn't find it. Anyway, she let him in and he stayed.
Vivian: For how long?
Aunt Helen: Let's just say I got tired of waiting.

Lester: Helen, now that I've got you in a room without books there's something I've got to tell you.
Aunt Helen: Ain't nobody gonna tell me nothing! Lester, don't make me get ethnic on you!
Lester: Oh, damn. Woman, would you for once let me do the talking? Now, Anita is a-
Aunt Helen: l bet the hussy has a weave. And she's younger than I am, too. Isn't she?
Lester: Anita's my psychiatrist. I've been seeing her since I was passed over for that promotion at the plant. When I missed out on that job, I lost my confidence.
Aunt Helen: Well, I knew you lost something but... I didn't know it was your confidence.
Lester: Well, why do you think I started seeing a shrink?
Aunt Helen: Will, cover your ears.
Will: Oh, yes, ma'am.

Lester: How could you think I was even seeing another woman?
Aunt Helen: Well, you know what they say. If the rooster ain't crowing in the henhouse, he must be cock-a-doodling in the barn.
Lester: Helen, I wasn't cock-a-doodling anywhere. When that job went south, well, my doodle went with it. You know I'm crazy about you, baby.
Aunt Helen: Well, I wish you would have said something. But, knowing me, I wouldn't have listened anyway. Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Lester: You know, I still should have told you about Anita. I'm the one who's sorry.
Aunt Helen: It was worth it if it worked. Did it? Did it work?
Lester: There's only one way to find out.
Will: Guys? Help me! Somebody let me out of here! They doing it.

Aunt Helen: Diva!
Will: Whoa, whoa, think you could all come together next time? This is exhausting.
Aunt Helen: Let me look at you all. Vivian, girl, you are glowing.
Vivian: Thank you.
Will: Well, that's 'cause she be spending a lot of time in front of the microwave.
Vivian: Philip, that reminds me. Would you pick me up some microwave popcorn, please?
Philip: You know, next time I'm going to get pregnant.
Aunt Helen: Well, you certainly have the pants for it.
Will: Uncle Phil, if I would have said that I would have gotten smacked in my head. [Phil smacks Will's head]

Vy: Now, what does Aunt Eleanor have that I don't?
Aunt Helen: A horny husband.

Reverend Boyd: Why, Vivian and Philip, welcome.
Vivian: Thank you. Reverend Boyd, these are my sisters, Helen and Vy.
Vy: Good evening. Nice turnout.
Aunt Helen: One too many if you ask me.