Fez: Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour. We've only moved, like, two feet.
Kelso: You think the lines at the D.M.V. are long? You should see the free clinic. Now, there's a wait.
Hyde: Man, you've been to the free clinic?
Kelso: No. Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn! [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] [chuckles] That's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did! [laughs]

Red: Oh, no.
Leo: Yup, it's me. Hey, is my lady around?
Red: Leo, buddy, we gotta talk. You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here. Now, I'm begging you-
Kitty: [o.s.] Who is it, Red?
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a fiery passion that consumes my soul! That's right! So you can either walk out of here on your own or you can hop outta here with my boot in your ass!
Leo: Okay, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.
Red: Good choice!

Red: Need something, Bob?
Bob: Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I, we're taking out a second mortgage on the house. Well, that's not the funny part 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
Red: It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Bob: Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
Red: How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
Red: It's free.

Fez: Uh, yes, excuse me. Um, would you please send your finest imported beer to Caroline and tell her that when I said "Hi" what I meant was, "I'll take you like a stallion." You got that? Like a stallion?
Jackie: Fez, stop ordering stuff.
Fez: Okay, you need to chill out, little girl. Didn't you hear Kelso? The Vineyard is having a dine-and-dash promotion. Everything is free.
Jackie: It's not free, Fez. "Dine and dash" is when you run out without paying.
Fez: So it's stealing? This isn't going to help me with Caroline, is it? Excuse me.
[After Fez whispers to Donna, she whispers to Eric, who gives Kelso a "wet willy"]
Kelso: Hey!
Fez: That's from me, you son of a bitch.

Eric: My head hurts.
Red: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Hyde: Red, you eating again? I thought you'd be full after that burger.
Kitty: Burger?
Hyde: Yeah. The broccoli burger.
Kitty: Oh, you are lying!
Red: Well, come on, Kitty. This isn't food. This is what food eats.

Eric: [whistles]
Red: Do you know the great thing about whistling? You can stop whistling.
Eric: Sorry.
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else, I'm gonna...
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Red: Jeez. And I didn't think you were listening.

Eric: Dad, you sold my car? How could you?
[The wallpaper behind Eric and Hyde is swaying as Red stares at them]
Eric: Just what in the hell were you thinking?
Red: I thought I was helping, because you're always saying how you need money.
Eric: For gas! For the car!
Hyde: Don't yell at him. To be honest, Red, we're a little disappointed.
Eric: I'm not gonna run any more errands for you, pal.
Hyde: You should've checked with us first, Red.
Eric: You know how many times I rotated those tires?
Hyde: You're not supposed to take things that aren't yours.
Eric: I had stuff in the backseat. Now that's all just gone, mister.
Hyde: Forman, it's okay.
Eric: No, it's not okay!
Hyde: Look, Red, who did you sell the car to?
Red: I sold it to a guy named... Peter. Peter... Cottontail. [sings] Hopping down the bunny trail Hippity hoppity Easter's on its way

Red: Well, here's your emergency roadside kit.
Eric: Kitty litter? Oh, kitty litter. Right.
Kitty: Um, honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag. Now, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?
Eric: Donna's Italian. [both laugh]
Kitty: Okay, stay warm.

Hyde: Forman, why'd you have to tell Red you got engaged? Look at him, yelling and waving. Oh! A little spit just landed on Bob. Bob's so scared, he's not even wiping it off.
Eric: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This time Red is really gonna kill me. My only hope is that he actually sticks his foot so far up my ass... he can't pull it out, and I get to take him straight to hell with me.