Eric: My head hurts.
Red: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Jackie: Donna, be nice to me. I'm lonely. I mean, okay, if there were mistletoe over me right now who would kiss me? No one. That's who.
Donna: Being alone isn't that bad. It's a great opportunity to get to know yourself and be comfortable with who you are.
Jackie: Donna, I already love myself. I just wanna French someone.

Red: Now, about last night...
Eric: You know what, Dad? Uh, before you get started, I know what you're gonna say.
Red: Oh, really? What do you know?
Eric: Um, that I was irresponsible and stupid. And I have it on good authority that I may have called you something.
Red: Like, um, "big, bald party pooper?"
Eric: For instance. But the point is, Dad, I'm really ashamed and sorry and afraid.
Red: Hmm. Okay. Well, that covers it. Okay. Good talk.
Eric: That's it? I get off scot-free? I mean, I learned a valuable lesson?
Red: Look, son, you're grown up now. You know what you did wrong. And I am too tired to keep thinking up new and exciting ways to punish you. So... Merry Christmas.
Eric: Are you kidding me? I don't get in trouble, and you're giving me a Christmas present? Oh, boy, this is the best Christmas ever! [sniffs] Actually, you know, this really smells.
Red: Yeah, those are my shoes from last night. Clean 'em, buff'em and shine 'em. Ho, ho, ho. Dumbass!

Jackie: Ooh. Listen to this. "Corner Him Under the Mistletoe: Eight Ways to Trick a Guy Into a Relationship." [squeals] I love the holidays.
Donna: Yeah, hanging your stocking, putting cookies out for Santa, setting a man trap. Mmm, Christmas.
Jackie: You know, this'll be the first year I celebrate Christmas without a boyfriend.
Donna: And Jesus wept.
Jackie: So here's my new plan for the year: Buy some really cute tops, fly to Hollywood and marry Lee Majors. Make fun of that. I dare you.

[circle:]
Kelso: I miss my funnel. [coin clinks against glass] Eric, drink.
Hyde: Okay. If I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [coin clinks against glass] Hmm. Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag, but I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year. [coin clinks on table] Damn!
Fez: Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [coin clinks against glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Kelso: Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [coin clinks against glass] Damn it! Eric, drink!
Hyde: I mean, he lives on Fantasy Island, man and he's a midget! It's so obvious. [coin clinks against glass] Hmm. Mmm, Forman.
Eric: Does anyone else feel kind of woozy? [coin clinks against table] Oh, what the hell, man?
Fez: If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [coin clinks against glass] I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie.

Donna: We're leaving.
Jackie: So leaving.
Eric: Wait. You're leaving?
Donna: Yeah, see when I was a little girl, I made a promise to myself. "Self," I said, "if you're ever about to suck beer out of a funnel that might give you mono, don't." So bye-bye.

Eric: Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk. I just- [clears throat] I just can't walk or see. Man, that was- That was a great party! You know- You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [Red stands behind Eric] "I'm Red! I don't like parties 'cause I'm a big, bald, party pooper!" [Eric turns around] Uh-oh. [laughs] Uh-oh. [vomits]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Kelso: Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

Eric: All right, Hyde! Your dad's apartment is the perfect place for a party. It's already trashed.
Kelso: Hey, even if half the people we invited show up, this party's gonna rock.
Jackie: Did you find the cups?
Kelso: Nope. Even better. A plastic tube and a funnel.
Fez: All this and a dirty funnel? Merry Christmas to me.
Kelso: Yeah, we don't even have to worry about germs because even though our spit backs up in the tube, the alcohol kills 'em.

Kitty: Now, Steven, I brought some beautiful Christmas ornaments to hang on your... antenna.
Hyde: Ah, Mrs. Forman, you're not checking up on me, are you?
Kitty: No, no, no. I'm just spreading a little holiday cheer. Dusty. Oh. Oh, and this blanket, it needs a nice Christmas washing.
Hyde: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! That's Bud's Christmas stool. Very sentimental. If anybody touches it, he just goes nuts, so...
Kitty: Huh. Well, um... I don't quite believe you, but okay. [laughs] Okay. So, um, Bud left you boys here unsupervised? Oh, salami in the couch. Now, that's... sanitary. Okay! Okay, then, um, why don't you boys hang up those angels? And, um, Eric, come in here and help me with the traditional holiday floor wax.
Eric: Mom, seriously, we're okay. You can go, really. [ice cubes drop out of Fez's Christmas pants] Oh, good. Fez is making ice.

Jackie: Donna, that's Fireman Rob and Fireman Dean. They're firemen!
Eric: Jackie, they're, like, 40.
Jackie: Whatever. They're firemen! Two hot firemen in a bar. [squeals] This is just like that play I wrote. Okay, give me five minutes. I'll pick the one I want, and you can have the other.
Eric: Hello! I'm dating someone. Eric.
Jackie: Donna, Dean can bench-press a keg. Eric can't even bench-press a cup.