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What is and What Should Never Be

‘What is and What Should Never Be’

Season 5, Episode 3 -  Aired October 29, 2002

Kitty has some surprising news for Red. Meanwhile, Eric and Donna encourage Hyde to tell Kelso that he's seeing Jackie.

Quote from Kelso

Fez: Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour. We've only moved, like, two feet.
Kelso: You think the lines at the D.M.V. are long? You should see the free clinic. Now, there's a wait.
Hyde: Man, you've been to the free clinic?
Kelso: No. Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn! [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] [chuckles] That's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did! [laughs]


Quote from Fez

Fez: Guys? I love this place. I want to work here.
Hyde: You just said you hated it.
Fez: Yeah, but I went up to the counter, and the guy treated me like crap. But he was treating everybody like crap. Poor, rich, black, white. We're all crap. And look at him. Think he was popular in high school? No way. But now he's the belle of the ball. Well, my friends, it's my turn to get a taste of those balls.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Hey, Steven. I had fun last night.
Kelso: You had fun doing what?
Jackie: Huh? Hey, Michael. Um, I went to the movies. Right, Donna?
Donna: Oh, um, I don't know. I was with Eric all night. But I'm really interested in this movie. Why don't you tell us all about it?
Jackie: Donna? Fine. You know, it's that new movie starring that big, red whore.
Donna: Oh, you mean, the one where the big, red whore is sick of people keeping secrets.
Jackie: No. No, no. The one where the big, red whore keeps sticking her big, red nose in places where it doesn't belong.
Eric: Hey. Watch what you say about the big, red whore.
Fez: Thank you, Eric. What did Sissy Spacek ever do to any of you? [walks off]
Kelso: Way to go, guys. You know how he feels about Sissy! Fez, wait!

Quote from Kitty

[circle: Kitty and the girls are eating Sundaes in the kitchen:]
Kitty: And here I am ecstatic, and Red comes home babbling about his precious Corvette. Well, I'll tell you something. I may be the one who's pregnant, but I did not get that way by myself. He's the one who wouldn't go to sleep.
Jackie: You know, Mrs. Forman, there are other ways of dealing with that. I mean, have you tried telling him you just like him as a friend?
Donna: You're carrying Red's baby. He should be kissing your ass. God! Why are men such jerks? Huh? Tell me.
Eric: Well, I just came in here for the ice cream, so I'm just gonna make mine to go.
Kitty: Men plant their seed and think their work is done. But women have a being growing inside of us the size of a wine jug. It's got to come out somehow. Oh, oh, oh. It's like that nature show, you know where the snake eats an antelope in one bite, and you're thinking, "Impossible." And then it-it-it unhinges its jaw, and in it goes. Well, giving birth is just like that, only the other direction. And I need your father there, holding my hand and telling me it's okay because I can't swallow an antelope alone.
Eric: No, you can't. And no woman should have to. That bastard.

Quote from Red

Eric: Hey. I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know- What's your problem?
Red: You made me bald.
Eric: What?
Red: Five generations, not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and... Well, look at it! Children make me bald.
Eric: You know what? Wear a hat. 'Cause Mom is really scared and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! I made you bald? You made me skinny!

Quote from Kitty

Red: Kitty, are you sure you're- you're pregnant? Maybe you're just putting on your winter weight.
Kitty: Red, a woman knows. Not to mention I'm late. And not for work. For my menstrual cycle. Hooray!

Quote from Eric

Red: I just don't understand how this could have happened.
Eric: Hmm. Maybe it's about time we had "the talk." You see, when a boy loves a girl-
Hyde: Doesn't have to love her.
Eric: That's true. Anywho, the boy's sexual organ-
Red: Hey! Shut it, dumbass.
Eric: Wow. That kid's gonna love it here.

Quote from Eric

Donna: I can't believe they're having a baby.
Eric: I can't believe they're still having sex. I mean, my Dad's back goes out if you look at him wrong.
Hyde: That's why she was probably on top.
Eric: Thanks. Thanks, Hyde. You just killed a part of me.

Quote from Fez

Fez: They have a lot of questions in the D.M.V. application. Let's see. "Sex"? Please. [giggles] Lots. "Address"? If I must, but I prefer pants. "State"? Nervous but excited. "Mother's maiden name"? Streisand, but she won't acknowledge me.

Quote from Eric

Hyde: [on the phone] Whatever. Whatever. [scoffs] Yeah, like I care. All right. I'll talk to you later, Jackie. [hangs up]
Eric: Ew. Do you mind not getting all gooey and romantic when I'm about to eat my breakfast?
Hyde: What crawled up your butt?
Eric: You and Jackie. Then you started making out in there.
Red: Hey! No more butt talk at breakfast.
Eric: Look, if you're not gonna break up with Jackie then you have to tell Kelso, okay? It's like the ethical thing to do.
Hyde: Thank you, Johnny Cub Scout. What are you gonna do, take away my friendship merit badge?
Eric: No, because Cub Scouts are awarded achievement beads. [chuckles] Badges. [chuckles]

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