Red: Eric. Now, Donna just came through here looking very upset. Would you have any idea what that's about?
Eric: I have no idea. She seemed fine when we- Um, you already know, don't you?
Red: Of course I know. Donna is such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. You know, it seems like bad things are always happening to me like I have bad luck or something.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it.

Red: So, tell me about school.
Laurie: Oh, well, I've decided to major in philosophy.
Eric: That's good, because they just opened up that big philosophy factory in Green Bay.
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?
Eric: I'm not.
Red: That's right. Now, sweep the garage.
Eric: Yes, sir.

Red: Why are you here? Why are you always here? It's Thanksgiving. Don't you have families?
Hyde, Kelso & Fez: Um...

Eric: Donna, look that kiss was great and if I could take it back, I would. Because it's not worth ruining what you and I have.
Donna: Eric, you are a dumbass.
Eric: So is that like "I forgive you, dumbass" or "Get out of my house, you dumbass"?
Donna: Mostly the first one. [they kiss] Wow. Tongue.
Eric: Oh, yeah. [Donna sits down] Okay, well, let's go to dessert.
Donna: Just one second?
Eric: Donna?
Donna: Just one minute. [inner monologue] Silk sheets. Joe Namath's butt. Strawberries. Slow dancing. Oh, the washing machine with an unbalanced load. [out loud] Well, I'm good.

Kate: So, good night.
Eric: Good night. [doesn't move]
Kate: Eric.
Eric: Just one second? [inner monologue] Okay, baseball, Vietnam, Richard Nixon Pat Nixon, Pat Boone, the girl that does the weather... No! Okay, jelly fish, really big spiders. Come on, dig deep, okay. The day we backed over Skipper in the driveway and instead of going to the county fair, I had to bury him in the backyard. [out loud] Okay. [stands up] I'm good. And good night.

Donna: Why are you telling me this?
Eric: I feel guilty because it was like really kissing.
Donna: So what we do isn't really kissing?
Eric: I thought you should know, considering that you and I have a thing. Right?
Donna: Well, obviously we don't have a thing if you're running around kissing slutty girls, right?
Eric: Okay, you're mad.
Donna: Mad? No. Why should I be mad? I mean, in fact, you can kiss whatever you want. Start with your own butt!

Kitty: Oh, Eric, I forgot to tell you, your sister's bringing a friend home so you'll be sleeping in the basement.
Eric: The basement? They should sleep in Laurie's room.
Kitty: Oh, and Red, I've been thinking. Maybe this Thanksgiving we should skip the big turkey. Small ones are on sale at Piggly Wiggly.
Red: This family doesn't scrimp on holidays. Can you imagine my mother sitting down to a chicken?
Kitty: Red, your mother won't eat my cooking anyway so that won't be a problem.
Eric: Dad, they should sleep in the basement.
Kitty: Red, last Thanksgiving she said her jaw wasn't strong enough to chew the turkey. And that was a magnificent turkey.
Eric: Dad, it's my room.
Kitty: I work myself to the bone for that-
Red: All right, that's it! Hold it. Now, Kitty, don't get worked up over my mother. And you, you're sleeping in the basement! And we're all having a happy damn Thanksgiving!

Midge: So, Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?
Kitty: Yes. Red's mother is coming.
Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.

Hyde: [to Eric] So this Kate, is she hot?
Kelso: Of course she's hot. All college girls are hot. I mean, we've all seen the brochures, right?

Jackie: Are you okay?
Donna: Um... Yeah.
Jackie: Donna, how can you be okay? There's a college woman sleeping in his bed.
Donna: He's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie: Donna, stairs are not gonna stop a high school horndog. Barbed wire will not stop a high school horndog. A wall of fire will not stop a high-
Donna: Jackie, I get it. I get it.
Jackie: Poor Donna. So naive.