Red: Hey, bring these guys a beer.
Eric: No, Dad, I'm supposed to take you home. Mom said so.
Red: Normally, you do what your mother says. Sometimes, you know... You're a dumbass. But mostly, you're a good kid.
Eric: Thank you, sir.
Red: But this is my last day of work... And I didn't get a party. I didn't get a gold watch. And I didn't get crap. So... Let's drink!

Bob: Wow, look at this piece of junk.
Kelso: This is my van.
Bob: [chuckles] Yeah? Well, you know, I had a Ford delivery van in high school. Yeah, it's a lot of fun till somebody gets preg... You got to be careful in this van, Kelso. You know what I mean?
Midge: An idiot would know what you mean.
Kelso: What do you mean?
Bob: Sell the van, kid.
Midge: What's that supposed to mean?
Bob: Oh, I'm happy.

Kelso: Yeah, even the radio works. And all the doors... They open! And it's got brakes, too. I mean, can you believe this? I mean, my uncle, he just gave it to me. He gave it to me, for free!
Fez: That is insane. I would pay tens of dollars for this. [sniffs] Or not.
Hyde: Did he own a cat?
Kelso: Yeah. I'm getting an air freshener.
Eric: Yeah. Get a big one.
Kelso: Guys, guys, this thing is like a bedroom on wheels. No more, "Michael, the backseat's too small." "Michael, you're on my hair." "Michael, you're choking me." That's over.

Hyde: Hey, come here Forman. I want you to feast your eyes on this very large and flat cargo area.
Eric: Wow, you could haul plywood in this.
Hyde: Right. Or Donna.
Eric: Why would I want to haul... Oh, right! Okay. Nah, no. You know what? She wouldn't do it in a van. She wants it to be special.
Donna: What are you guys talking about?
Eric: Oh! Uh... Plywood.
Donna: Good, good. 'Cause I'm not doing it in a van.
Eric: Oh!
Donna: Oh, you know what'll make it really special? Not talking to your friends about us doing it.

Laurie: Morning.
Kitty: Oh, great. Now your father's going to see three mouths he has to feed. Oh, you're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt.
Laurie: Yeah. Mother, I went there.
Kitty: No, you flunked out of there. You know, you might as well just wear your University of I-wasted-my-father's-money sweatshirt. [laughs] Take it off.

Kelso: So, Jackie. What do you think?
Jackie: Oh, Michael, it's horrible.
Kelso: What are you talking about?
Jackie: You said it was cool on the phone, Michael. But it's not. It's horrible. I can't be seen in this. It's like... Ugh! It's like having a sty.
Fez: Uh-oh, this van will not be rocking.

Kelso: Yeah, baby. You and me are going places.
[fantasy: Kelso is in the arms of two attractive women as Paul Anka and Lyle Waggoner sit next to him:]
Paul Anka: [sings] Having my baby It's another way of saying how much I love you Having my baby
Kelso: Yeah! Paul Anka. Man, you kick some serious musical ass.
Paul Anka: Thank you, Kelso.
Kelso: Man, I knew once I got my van, I'd be having some bitching Hollywood parties.
Lyle Waggoner: Right on, Kelso. I love the van. It's a real Lyle Waggoner place to be.
Paul Anka: Yeah, yeah... With a ride like this, you must get a butt-load of ladies.
Kelso: [laughs] Actually, Paul, I'm just with Jackie at the moment.
Paul Anka: Just Jackie? [chuckles] What are you, an idiot?
Kelso: Well, Lyle, Paul... I know that a fine machine like this would... Well, snag me lots of pelt... But I love Jackie... And a real man can deny his man instincts.

[circle:]
Hyde: So, what's new? Kelso?
Kelso: Oh, man! I mean, nothing. So, Eric, isn't your sister hot?
Eric: No. In fact, Kelso, I think you're the only loser here who thinks she is hot.
Fez: Not true. I have pictured her naked hundreds of times. Why, just this morning I was taking a shower...
Hyde: Come on, Fez, man, it is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about how hot somebody else's sister is. No matter how bad you want to give it to her. Right, Kelso?
Kelso: Oh, man. Oh, man. I...
Hyde: What is it, boy? Is it trouble? Is there something you want to tell us about Eric's sister?
Kelso: I totally did it with her! I'm sorry, man.
Eric: What?!
Kelso: I mean, she took advantage of me. I'm violated.
Hyde: You idiot, your thumbs are still up.
Kelso: Acting's hard.

[circle:]
Eric: [to Kelso] Hey, shut up, perv. That's my sister. Come on!
Fez: [eats banana] I know. It is forbidden, taboo, titillating.
Hyde: Isn't it ironic that titillating has the word tit in it?
Kelso: Oh, man, that reminds me.
Eric: No, shut up! Look, I swear to God, you say one more word about my sister, and I'm gonna tell Jackie.
Kelso: Man... I forgot about Jackie.
Hyde: Right, right. You forgot you have this huge, bitchy anchor tied around your neck. [scoffs] I mean, it could happen.

Jackie: So, I guess the first time it actually really happened, was when I was horseback riding.
Donna: Huh. So, you know... I think this van could be pretty nice.
Jackie: You know what, I'm glad he got it. At least it's a step towards responsibility. Maybe Michael's maturing.
Donna: Yeah, hang onto that dream, Jackie.
Jackie: Donna, I'm serious. I think he's growing up. God, I'm so proud of him that, if I weren't already sleeping with him, I'd sleep with him.