Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell out of here.

Red: You think my problem is my own son? My son is a fine young man.
Eric: Wow, Dad, you don't have...
Red: Shut up, dumbass. You know less about my family than you do about football! Which isn't saying much, since you dropped every pass that came near you! And let me tell you something else. When a real Packer hurts his leg, he stuffs his kneecap back in and keeps on running!
Eric: That's what this little mushroom would have done.

Kitty: Okay, what were you two talking about?
Red: Well, Kitty, I had a stash of gifts down there for every occasion. That way, if I forgot to buy you something, I'd still be covered.
Kitty: You buy my gifts in bulk?
Red: No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass! Yeah! I can do that too!

Kitty: Oh, there's my valentine.
Red: Oh.
Kitty: See, now, the card is a heart. Actually, it's your heart, and it's saying, "Hi, Red, remember when I attacked you?" [chuckles] It's a reminder to cut back on fatty, fried foods.

Red: Ever since I forgot Kitty's birthday that one year, I keep a stash of gifts down here. That way, even if I forget, I remember. Go ahead, I'll spot you one.
Hyde: Oh, hey, these wool mittens will be perfect for Sam. If only they were black, leather and a bra. So what are you giving Kitty?
Red: Ah, this needlepoint. She'll like it because it's fun, and I'll like it because it'll keep her occupied for gigantic chunks of time.