George: What about her place?
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing. Living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George: Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry: The baldies.

Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?
George: All righty. Uh, my last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman: Go on.
George: All right. Well, before that, I was in real estate. I quit because my boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. [chuckles] That was it.
Mr. Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George: Of course.
Mr. Cushman: Well, my niece told me you were different.
George: I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.

Receptionist: Oh, hi. Mr. Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment. [clicks tongue]
George: What do you mean?
Receptionist: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?
George: When did you leave the message?
Receptionist: A few hours ago.
George: Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.
Receptionist: Look, Mr. Costanza...
George: Will that be cash or check? [clicks tongue]

Wendy: I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.
George: Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
Wendy: A delicate genius?

George: I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsible for stealing all the merchandise.
Jerry: Why?
George: 'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kung Pao.
Jerry: I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,
George: George likes spicy chicken.
Jerry: What's that?
George: I like spicy chicken.
Jerry: No, no. You said George likes spicy chicken.
George: No, I didn't.
Elaine: Yes, you did. You said George likes spicy chicken.
Jerry: You're turning in to Jimmy.
George: George is getting upset!

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Estelle Costanza: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're- You're a separatee.
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle Costanza: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
Susan Ross: Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.
George: Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
Susan Ross: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.
George: A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? [snorts] That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.

George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. [hands a Christmas card to Jerry]
Jerry: "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." What is that?
George: Made it up.
Jerry: "The Human Fund. Money for people."
George: What do you think?
Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.
George: The Outlaw Josey Wales!

Mr. Ross: Where are we, George?
George: Almost there.
Mr. Ross: This is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?
George: We go on foot from here.
Mr. Ross: All right.
George: [breaks] There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
Mr. Ross: We know.
George: Then why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? [whimpering] Why? Why? Why?
Mrs. Ross: We don't like you, George.
Mr. Ross: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
George: Oh.
Mr. Ross: All right. Let's head back.

D.A. Hoyt: So, Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.
Bubble Boy: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.
[flashback to George playing Trivial Pursuit with the bubble boy, being strangled by the bubble boy, puncturing the bubble]
George: It was Moops!
Bubble Boy: [o.s.] Moors.