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47Quotes from ‘Turkey Shoot’

Schitt's Creek: Turkey Shoot

107. Turkey Shoot

Aired February 17, 2015

Stevie invites David to join her on the Roland's annual turkey hunt. Meanwhile, Jocelyn takes Moira to the spa, and Ted asks Alexis out.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was "pitching a tent." He had a boner!
Johnny: Oh.
Jocelyn: And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids, and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so... What was your question again?
Johnny: You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

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Quote from Twyla

Alexis: Hey, Twy. Um, Twy, what is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?
Twyla: Uh you know, it changes every day. Just depends on my mood. But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.
Alexis: Okay, so it's like fruity or..?
Twyla: Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.
Alexis: Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably?
Twyla: No, I don't know. I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.
Alexis: So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything in particular.
Twyla: No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea. Could alleviate some of that weight your carrying around.
Moira: So now I'm fat and stressed?
Johnny: Emotional weight. Emotional.
Moira: John, go find a towel now, please, or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't hate this town, Jocelyn. It's just not mine. And this is not my hair.
Jocelyn: I know. It's a wig.
Moira: It's not my style. You? On you, it's adorable. You have a look that says, "Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!" For that, you're very fortunate. You are. I don't who I am from one moment to the next. So honestly, dear, I envy you, all right? But if you ever, ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple. Promise?
Jocelyn: Promise.
Moira: My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I I know you people have guns.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.
Alexis: Excuse me?
Ted: Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly. Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little backed up.
Alexis: That's a lot of information.
Ted: I'm- I'm- I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I just wanted to say how fun it was to spend the day with you.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who owes you a big thank you.
Jocelyn: I also wanted to apologize for Janine ruining your wig.
Moira: No, don't be silly. I was I was about to find a shower cap.
Jocelyn: I know you hate your hair, Moira. Almost as much as you hate this town. But there's a possibility you could be here a really long time. May I offer you something? The people here are just trying to help you, and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning. Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's. Or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us. And I would hate for that day to catch you by surprise.

Quote from David

David: Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

Quote from David

Stevie: Uh, it looks like a bug. Trapped under a glass.
David: I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked." Chunks is the word that Google used.
Stevie: You Googled a bug?
David: Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons. I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night, so...

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: There you are, John! Where did my towel go?
Jocelyn: Moira! Nanaimo bars. Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

Quote from David

David: So about the bug thing.
Stevie: No explanation necessary. You've got a thing about bugs.
David: No, I don't have a thing about bugs. It was one bug, and that bug was milky.
Stevie: So you're a man at one with nature.
David: Yeah. I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year, so...

Quote from David

Ronnie: You ever killed before?
David: Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.
Ronnie: Turkey virgin!

Quote from Roland

Roland: So how are your bowels? Good and tight?
David: Yes. Thank you for the concern.
Roland: Well, I just wanna make sure you got the stomach for this 'cause you, you kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me. You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.
David: Thank you.

Quote from Stevie

David: Oh, my God! It's fleeing!
Stevie: Whoa, it's fast!
David: It's fleeing into the bathroom. That's why you use the cup method, because you'd keep it contained! Now it's just all out!
Stevie: Well I guess I don't even need to be here.
David: Well, it's h- Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness waiting for nightfall. I- I can't- I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here.
Stevie: Not with your mouth open anyway.
David: That's not a nice thing to say to me.
Stevie: You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, you ever need to just go somewhere to unwind and have some pampering, I know a great place in Elmdale.
Moira: Let's not and say we did.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.
David: What's Antonio's?
Alexis: It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.
David: Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?
Alexis: I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together?
Ted: Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school.
Moira: Oh alcoholism.
Ted: No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends.
Moira: Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: All right, you gotta treat it like it's a newborn baby. Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me. Oh, you got soft hands.
David: Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Excuse me, cowboy, have you seen my husband?
Johnny: Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh. Look at you. Boy, you look like...
Moira: Who? Who do I look like?
Johnny: I wanna say Tanya Harding.
Moira: Do you? How about ?
Johnny: Jocelyn! Oh, my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?
Moira: Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.
Johnny: Wow! And is that you? Is that your wig?
Moira: No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.


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