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47Quotes from ‘Turkey Shoot’

Schitt's Creek: Turkey Shoot

107. Turkey Shoot

Aired February 17, 2015

Stevie invites David to join her on the Roland's annual turkey hunt. Meanwhile, Jocelyn takes Moira to the spa, and Ted asks Alexis out.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was "pitching a tent." He had a boner!
Johnny: Oh.
Jocelyn: And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids, and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so... What was your question again?
Johnny: You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: Hey, Twy. Um, Twy, what is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?
Twyla: Uh you know, it changes every day. Just depends on my mood. But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.
Alexis: Okay, so it's like fruity or..?
Twyla: Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.
Alexis: Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably?
Twyla: No, I don't know. I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.
Alexis: So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything in particular.
Twyla: No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea. Could alleviate some of that weight your carrying around.
Moira: So now I'm fat and stressed?
Johnny: Emotional weight. Emotional.
Moira: John, go find a towel now, please, or I will strip out of this robe and I will air dry in the street!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't hate this town, Jocelyn. It's just not mine. And this is not my hair.
Jocelyn: I know. It's a wig.
Moira: It's not my style. You? On you, it's adorable. You have a look that says, "Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!" For that, you're very fortunate. You are. I don't who I am from one moment to the next. So honestly, dear, I envy you, all right? But if you ever, ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple. Promise?
Jocelyn: Promise.
Moira: My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I I know you people have guns.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.
Alexis: Excuse me?
Ted: Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly. Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little backed up.
Alexis: That's a lot of information.
Ted: I'm- I'm- I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I just wanted to say how fun it was to spend the day with you.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who owes you a big thank you.
Jocelyn: I also wanted to apologize for Janine ruining your wig.
Moira: No, don't be silly. I was I was about to find a shower cap.
Jocelyn: I know you hate your hair, Moira. Almost as much as you hate this town. But there's a possibility you could be here a really long time. May I offer you something? The people here are just trying to help you, and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning. Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's. Or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us. And I would hate for that day to catch you by surprise.

Quote from David

Stevie: Uh, it looks like a bug. Trapped under a glass.
David: I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked." Chunks is the word that Google used.
Stevie: You Googled a bug?
David: Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons. I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night, so...

Quote from David

David: Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: There you are, John! Where did my towel go?
Jocelyn: Moira! Nanaimo bars. Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

Quote from David

David: So about the bug thing.
Stevie: No explanation necessary. You've got a thing about bugs.
David: No, I don't have a thing about bugs. It was one bug, and that bug was milky.
Stevie: So you're a man at one with nature.
David: Yeah. I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year, so...

Quote from David

Ronnie: You ever killed before?
David: Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.
Ronnie: Turkey virgin!

Quote from Roland

Roland: So how are your bowels? Good and tight?
David: Yes. Thank you for the concern.
Roland: Well, I just wanna make sure you got the stomach for this 'cause you, you kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me. You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.
David: Thank you.

Quote from Stevie

David: Oh, my God! It's fleeing!
Stevie: Whoa, it's fast!
David: It's fleeing into the bathroom. That's why you use the cup method, because you'd keep it contained! Now it's just all out!
Stevie: Well I guess I don't even need to be here.
David: Well, it's h- Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness waiting for nightfall. I- I can't- I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here.
Stevie: Not with your mouth open anyway.
David: That's not a nice thing to say to me.
Stevie: You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, you ever need to just go somewhere to unwind and have some pampering, I know a great place in Elmdale.
Moira: Let's not and say we did.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.
David: What's Antonio's?
Alexis: It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.
David: Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?
Alexis: I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together?
Ted: Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school.
Moira: Oh alcoholism.
Ted: No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends.
Moira: Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: All right, you gotta treat it like it's a newborn baby. Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me. Oh, you got soft hands.
David: Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Excuse me, cowboy, have you seen my husband?
Johnny: Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh. Look at you. Boy, you look like...
Moira: Who? Who do I look like?
Johnny: I wanna say Tanya Harding.
Moira: Do you? How about ?
Johnny: Jocelyn! Oh, my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?
Moira: Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.
Johnny: Wow! And is that you? Is that your wig?
Moira: No, it's a dead possum. Yes, it's a wig, John.

Quote from Moira

Moira: What the hell? Hey! Where's my towel?! John? Johnny?! Where's my towel?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, I had towel and now it's disappeared!
Johnny: There's a towel on the back of the door.
Moira: No, that one has dirt on it!
Johnny: That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.
Moira: [screams] I'm sorry. I- I guess I'm stressed.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I feel good about this one. Yeah, it's a little less fruity but a little more something.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So you'd be Into coming with me on the annual Turkey shoot then. That's something that should excite you.
David: What?
Stevie: The Turkey shoot?
David: Mm.
Stevie: Roland's annual thing. We go out and we hunt turkeys. Been doing it every year since I was far too young to be holding a gun.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I was joking. I have a strong feeling that would not be your thing.
David: And what do think "my thing" is exactly?
Stevie: High thread count sheets? Colognes that smell like fireplace-
David: Okay. Well, it might surprise you to know that I have more than one thing, so I will happily go with you on the hunt!

Quote from David

David: Nothing would make me more excited than to go hunting for-
Stevie: Turkeys.
David: Turkeys with you. So is this a tweed or a camo situation?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, did anyone actually see this pillow come out of this container?
Moira: Seriously?! Go to hell! You're a- You're a fool!
Johnny: Okay, Moira, why are we doing this? Why don't we wait for the girl to come in and help us make the bed?
Moira: She never comes, John. [knocking on door] No. Bastard. Bastard!

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Oh good, you're here, Moira. I was just booking myself an appointment with Janine at the salon and I said to myself, "Wow, Moira really looks like she needs a pick-me-up," so I booked you a Mani too! Little girls' spa day on me.
Johnny: Wow! What a nice gesture!
Moira: May I see a spa treatment menu?
Jocelyn: Oh, well, it's just a salon, so they don't really do all that kind of stuff. But she does give a mean scalp massage.
Moira: Really mean?
Jocelyn: If you requested that, I guess, yeah.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, what're you doing tonight?
Mutt: Making chili. Might do some laundry.
Alexis: A polite person would now ask me what I'm doing tonight.
Mutt: That's what this is about? Sorry. Um, what're you doing tonight?
Alexis: Ted's taking me out.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: Ted?
Alexis: Mm-hmm. Ted. I don't know his last name. The the, um, doctor.
Mutt: The vet?
Alexis: Yeah, the doctor.
Mutt: The animal doctor.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: Yeah, we went to high school together. I think you'd be good for each other.
Alexis: Do you?
Mutt: I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband.
Alexis: A husband? What am I looking for in a husband?
Mutt: Money.
Alexis: Hmm.

Quote from Alexis

David: So who is this person?
Alexis: Mm, he's cute.
David: And?
Alexis: And he doesn't have a trust fund, so, like, that's a refreshing change of pace for me.
David: Speaking of people without trust funds, what about that beardy thing that you spend time with?
Alexis: What? Mutt?
David: Yeah.
Alexis: No. Ew. It's not a thing.

Quote from David

Alexis: I think that's Ted. Why is he over there?
David: Because he knows how much I love it when mom and dad interrogate your boyfriends. I wonder what they're asking?
Alexis: No, David!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, I know you. Yeah, no, Stevie brought you in to see me. I had the pleasure of treating your son's panic attack.
David: So Antonio's buffet, huh? So many choices, one little plate.

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: Okay, you know what? Bye, guys. We'll see you in the morning!
Johnny: "In the morning!" Very funny, Alexis! Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen. Ted, not on the first date.
Ted: Yes, sir.
Johnny: Don't wanna kill the buzz, but have fun.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Alexis seems to have found someone to keep her busy. What about you, David?
David: I'm gonna go to bed. I have to be up early I stupidly agreed to go hunting with Stevie tomorrow.
Johnny: Hunting?!
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Hunting?!
David: Yeah.
Johnny: You said hunting?!
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Wow.

Quote from Johnny

David: Agh!
Johnny: It's me!
David: Who is it?
Johnny: It's your father!
David: What're you doing lurking in our bedroom?
Johnny: I'm not "lurking" in your room. Your alarm is going off, you're not turning off your alarm!

Quote from David

Johnny: All right, just be careful please.
David: Okay. Thanks. You and your nightgown can tippy-toe back to bed.

Quote from Bob

Roland: Okay! Gather round, my shooters. Bob has a little prayer here he'd like to offer up. Just a little convo with the big man upstairs for a second.
Stevie: It happens every year.
Bob: Our God, in these times of need, our light in these times of darkness- David, do you wanna..?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So is it, like, a small town thing to end the first date with a kiss on the cheek? What?
Mutt: Nothing.
Alexis: What?! It's not like it was a bad date or anything.
Mutt: Well, it sounds like things got crazy.
Alexis: Yeah! I actually introduced him to Beyonce on the car ride on the way home, so that was very special.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: It's just, if the date's a success with me, I'll let you know it.
Alexis: Okay.
Mutt: I mean, he might as well have shaken your hand.
Alexis: Well, he did that too.

Quote from David

Ronnie: Have you ever held a gun before?
David: Uh, yeah, but it wasn't this heavy, which makes me think that Elton's was actually a toy.

Quote from David

Stevie: You don't have to do this.
David: Do what? Have fun? Smell like manure? Get called "scrimpy"? Who wouldn't wanna sign up for this?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: So what happened?
Moira: I can't believe you're wearing this. This is what I get for being nice, John. I'm doing this for Jocelyn because she paid for it, and it was her "little treat," and I didn't have the heart to rip it off my head. Much less torch it. So, now, until I get in the shower, I'm stuck looking like every other inmate in this godforsaken prison.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, I can't tell you how freeing it is, Jocelyn, to to try something new like this. 'Tis. I mean, of course, as an actress, I can imagine what kind of sad character might, but not necessarily.
Jocelyn: Sad?! You think this is a sad look?
Johnny: No!
Moira: No. Not the look. No, Jocelyn, I'm talking about the inner sadness that would come from from living in such a- We have to get drinks. Several drinks, don't you think? Let's celebrate!
Johnny: Let's celebrate drinking!

Quote from Ronnie

Roland: And in the neck.
David: It's still moving.
Ronnie: Just let it bleed out.
Stevie: You okay?
David: I feel like one of the Manson girls.
Ronnie: First time's tough. Even tougher when you shoot it in the neck 'cause then it takes longer to die.

Quote from Bob

David: So, now what? Do we just wait until its Turkey family comes and shoot them too?
Bob: Hey, I think I see them.
David: No, no.

Quote from David

David: What about what we just did makes you think, "Yeah, you know what? I wanna do this year after year after year"? Was it the lying in the mud part or was it wearing the clothes that smell like menthol cigarettes and body odor?
Stevie: 'cause usually it's more fun. Usually Ray comes and gets wasted and spends the whole day singing Carole King ballads.

Quote from David

Moira: David, I need a towel, please.
David: Is that a new wig? Because you are reminding me of someone.
Moira: Towel, please.
David: I need my towels. Uh, what who did this to you?!
Stevie: You went to Janine's.
Moira: Yes. Jocelyn took me to-
David: Jocelyn. You look like Jocelyn.
Moira: Jocelyn. And what's your excuse?
David: Oh, um I shot a bird in the neck today. It was an indelible image that I had scarred in my mind until I saw what was happening up there with you. So thank you. I'm gonna get your towel.


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