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‘RIP Moira Roise’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: RIP Moira Roise

405. RIP Moira Roise

Aired February 6, 2018

A rumour spreads online that Moira has died. Meanwhile, David and Alexis visit a farm to secure new products for the store, and Roland asks Johnny to be godfather to his child.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I can't believe it. I mean, I literally saw her walk past the cafe yesterday.
Gwen: I know.
Twyla: And again, you know my thing with ghosts? But she didn't seem angry like the other ones.

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Quote from Moira

Stevie: I've been reading what people have been saying about you. They're gonna be really happy you're still around.
Moira: Yeah, I don't think loyalty was ever in question.
Stevie: Then why not come forward and be honest about where you are?
Moira: Stevie, I don't-
Stevie: Okay, that reporter's not gonna be out there forever. This is your chance to tell your own story, in your own words.
Moira: Like we did during the writer's strike.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: I mean, it's pretty amazing to see how many people care about you.
Moira: Yeah.
Stevie: I mean if I died, I'd be lucky if one person had something nice to say.
Moira: Oh, Stevie. Stevie, you have years ahead of you still to collect a cartage of adoring mourners. In the meantime, they will laugh in your face, and they'll stab you in the back, but the moment you give up the ghost, oh, they'll all have nothing but nice things to say about you. I know I will.
Stevie: Thank you, Mrs. Rose. That's very comforting.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: The internet says you're dead.
Johnny: What? What do you mean? Who's saying that? Your mother's not dead.
Moira: I'm standing right here.
Alexis: Yeah, well now I know, but it's weird 'cause they're still saying it.
Moira: So people are believing it?
David: Um, well it doesn't help that Alexis just tweeted "Goodbye to a great actress," with a cool sunglasses emoji.
Alexis: Ok, I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: You know, it says here, that Moira was projected to be nominated for 10 Daytime People's Choice Awards.
Moira: 12! [all gasp]
Ronnie: Oh, my God.
Moira: The most projected nominee to have never actually been nominated.
Jocelyn: Moira? We were just reading an article that said you were-
Moira: Shh. Fear not. She hath risen!

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Oh hey, so there's a reporter outside, asking questions. I thought you should know.
Moira: A reporter? Here? Now!
Stevie: Yeah, didn't you expect them to come?
Moira: Well, I thought it might be contained to the internet. Is there a scrum? How many camera crews?
Stevie: I think just one. Unless they all used the same van.
Moira: No. No, Stevie, no. This is not, not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel. No, that's not the headline!
Stevie: Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don't know what choice you have.
Moira: Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can't let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

Quote from Moira

Moira: We need to get ahead of this, Stevie. We must, we must craft the perfect spin that both proclaims I'm not dead, and explains why I've been found here.
Stevie: Um, okay.
Moira: We'll tell them you brainwashed me.
Stevie: Could you tell then someone else brainwashed you?
Moira: A cult. A cult. Our family joined a cult. There was a charismatic leader, 40 something, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.
Stevie: How 'bout this idea? Um, what about telling the truth?
Moira: Truth serum. Oh, Stevie, yes, those stories are always successful.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Stevie, do you happen to know where the van went?
Stevie: Uh, yeah, apparently there was another celebrity death.
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?
Stevie: Um, you know that YouTube video of the giraffe and the kitten who are best friends?
Moira: Alas, I do not.
Stevie: Okay, well the giraffe stepped on the kitten.
Moira: Well, of course he did.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: So, Roland, I've been thinking about your very generous offer to be godfather to your baby.
Roland: It's not an offer, Johnny. It's an offer you can't refuse.
Johnny: Oh. Ha ha, Marlon Brando.
Roland: Right, but from what movie?
Johnny: The Godfather.
Roland: No, from Casino.
Johnny: Okay, fine. It wasn't Casino, Brando wasn't in Casino, but...

Quote from Ted

Heather: So how is it you know each other?
Ted: Um, well... Uh, well, Alexis and I worked together. She used to be my receptionist.
Heather: That's how I know your voice. You answered the phones at the vet's clinic.
Alexis: Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but... Oh, and Ted is the vet that you said you were dating.
Heather: Yes.
Alexis: Okay, because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, a War Vet.
Ted: Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

Quote from David

Moira: What is the source of this falsehood? And what photo are they using?
David: Unclear and primarily a head-shot from the 90's, so fresh, and young, and permed.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Someone just dropped these off for you. I'm assuming you're not dead?
Moira: All right, consider this camel's back broken. Who sends pink carnations?

Quote from Moira

Twyla: It's so good to see you. In the flesh.
Moira: Credit that internet! Due to careless reporting, and the gullibility of the masses, everyone thinks I've died.
Ronnie: Yeah, because the news is everywhere.
Moira: Thank you. Did you see the byline by Maria Menounos? No? How did it go? [sighs] The unsung hero of afternoon television. [all sigh] Oh they're singing my praises now.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Oh Moira, we are so happy that you are okay!
Moira: Yes, Jocelyn, thank you. Can you imagine an alternate universe in which I've actually died? Wow. I wonder what you'd be saying.
Twyla: I don't even wanna think about it.
Moira: I know, right? But theoretically, what do we think we'd be saying right now?
Ronnie: Er, she always kept things interesting.
Jocelyn: Yeah. Or, uh, heaven just got its newest leading lady.

Quote from David

David: Anyway, this is a very important account for me. I've been trying for the past little while to secure an exclusivity deal with this vendor, but she's very picky about her retailers. Everyone's trying to get their greasy hands on her cheese.
Alexis: Ew, David. Wait, Warner Farms? Does this cheese woman have animals on her farms? Like, goats? Does she have goats?
David: Well, we're about to sample some goat's cheese, so I would imagine she has goats on her farm.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I assume when you say godfather that it's, you know, just an honorary title?
Roland: No. You'd have to step in and raise my kid if something happened to Jocelyn or me. Which isn't gonna happen, but you never know in life. Our house inspector said that our furnace could go any day. Oh, and I'm thinking of getting Joce his-and-hers cliff diving lessons for her birthday.
Johnny: Oh, yeah, well you see that concerns me a little.
Roland: Well, those are just kind of extreme examples, Johnny. I mean, other than that I'm in the prime of good health. Except for this friggin' mole on my back.

Quote from Alexis

David: I totally, totally get that. We are also a family-run business. This is my sister.
Heather: Oh! I thought you had a male business partner.
David: Oh, I do. She is an intern.
Alexis: Um, in training to be CEO of executive buying so...
David: Okay. Anyway, I just thought if we partnered together, we'd be able to extend your customer base, and raise your brand awareness.
Alexis: Ultimately, like, raise brand awareness.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, Becca DeMornay, what a sweetheart. It's times like this you learn who your true friends are.

Quote from Ted

David: Well, this quiche is a treat. I didn't know you'd gotten into prepared foods?
Heather: I haven't. I just made this for lunch.
Ted: But if you've ever had her quiche, you can definitely say that it is eggs-cellent.
Alexis: Ted.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: You have the opportunity to create your own headline.
Moira: Yes.
Stevie: And honestly, would you rather be thought of as dead, than living here? [silence] Mrs. Rose?
Moira: No, I know. I'm thinking on it.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Oh, my God! As if this day couldn't get any worse.
Johnny: What?
Alexis: Cuppy the Kitten's dead.
David: Oh my god, what happened?
Alexis: I don't know, I'm reading, David.
David: He stepped on her? Weren't they best friends?
Alexis: Okay, Kelly Ripa just tweeted, she's taking tomorrow off.
David: Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.
Johnny: Who's Cuppy?
Moira: Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?


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