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‘Grad Night’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Grad Night

313. Grad Night

Aired April 4, 2017

Alexis asks her family not to attend her high school graduation. David celebrates his birthday with Patrick when his family forget all about it. Meanwhile, the Jazzagals book a gig and Johnny sells out the motel.

Quote from Moira

Moira: We're all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors.

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Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Look, we are sold out. I just booked the last room.
Stevie: Are you sure you didn't put the same reservation in twice? Because you've done that before.
Johnny: No. Booked. We can now fire up the 'no' in the 'no vacancy' sign.
Stevie: Oh, yeah, that burnt out years ago. Sadly it hasn't been an issue, but maybe we could use the 'no' from the 'no refunds' sign.

Quote from Twyla

Jocelyn: Sorry, gals. I just got caught up on the phone. I have good news and, and some bad news.
Twyla: Oh. Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.

Quote from Patrick

David: I almost didn't see you there through the mad rush of the Friday night dinner crowd.
Patrick: I'm just so relieved that I made a reservation.
David: Yes. Well, you look very nice.
Patrick: Oh, thanks. Well, you know, I assumed that the cafe would have a dinner jacket policy and I didn't wanna wear one of theirs.

Quote from Patrick

David: This is the first gift I haven't bought myself in a very long time. So, thank you.
Patrick: You're gonna be so underwhelmed when you open it. Trust me. It's not- See. It's nothing.
Stevie: What is it?
Patrick: Uh, it's just the, um, receipt from our first sale at the store.
David: Um, this is not nothing. So, thank you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, another girl dropped off her resume this morning. Ted, have you read these? These are actually very impressive. There are people here who went to school specifically for vet stuff.
Ted: Yeah, well, y'know, formal training is usually encouraged.
Alexis: Well, I don't have formal training. This person's assisted with surgeries. Is that something that I should be doing?
Ted: No. God no.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Well, I can't say that reception will be as fun, but that's really generous of you, Alexis. Like, surprisingly generous.
Alexis: No, I know. So, um, I guess I should go. I have my graduation tonight, so...
Ted: Well, it's only eleven. And I am paying you for the day.
Alexis: I totally get that. I will stay until four.
Ted: Day ends at five, but sure.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I'm really glad you're here.
Ted: Me too.
Alexis: I'm gonna have to look at those photos before you share them or post them.
Ted: Yeah. Of course.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I've been waiting here all night for Damien Steele. It's David's birthday, Alexis is graduating.
Roland: See, Johnny, the mayor of this town can't use his real name to check into a love motel.
Johnny: Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.
Roland: Oh, it will be tonight, my friend. See, Jocelyn and I have a yearly tradition. Every grad night we like to pretend to be other people, if you know what I mean.
Johnny: Yeah, you just told me what you mean.
Roland: Oh, we've been doing this ever since our own grad night. If you catch my drift.
Johnny: Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.
Roland: So when Jos shows up and she says her name is Lisa Meriweather, just roll with it, okay?
Johnny: Here is your key, Roland.
Roland: Okay. Damien.

Quote from Patrick

David: Well, that was a fun night.
Patrick: I'm really glad that I decided to invest in your business, David.
David: That is really lovely thing to say.
Patrick: "And I'm so glad you did, Patrick, because you've really helped to turn it into the success that it is."
David: Hmm. A bold claim. [David kisses Patrick]
Patrick: Thank you.
David: For what?
Patrick: Um, I've never done that before with a guy.
David: Okay.
Patrick: Yeah. And uh, [chuckle], I was getting a little scared that I was gonna let you leave here without us having done that. So, uh, thank you for, um, making that happen for us.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: And of course the bad news is that Moira and I won't be able to attend.
Moira: I'm sorry, w- Why can't I?
Jocelyn: Because your daughter is graduating high school.
Moira: Oh. And what a grand night it will be for you and your charges. But the Roses' will not be at graduation. No, Alexis has veritably browbeaten us not to attend. I wouldn't be surprised if she skips the whole affair herself. Waggish little nymph, that she is.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Your graduation is this Friday?
Alexis: Mmm-hmm.
Johnny: What?
Alexis: I didn't tell you because I don't want you to come. It's bad enough that I have to wear that unflattering black dress and then the hat with the thing on it in front of people that I don't know.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I'm kinda piecing together that it might be your birthday?
David: Yes, it is.
Patrick: Well, happy birthday. How old are we- Do you have any plans for today or?
David: Ah, I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.
Patrick: Well, it sounds like fun!
David: It is.
Patrick: You ever tried the Cafe Tropical? I've heard people raving about how "moderately edible" the food is there.
David: Well, yes.
Patrick: We could... We could go for a birthday dinner.

Quote from David

Stevie: Sorry, I'm late. Is everybody here or are other people coming?
Patrick: I don't know. Is anyone else coming?
David: No. This is, uh... This is it. In case you didn't know, I'm widely popular. Some might even venture to call me beloved.
Patrick: That's a bit of a stretch.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis, I have a favour-
Alexis: Oh, great. Um, I would love a ride to work.
Johnny: I meant, I have a favour to ask.
Alexis: You just said that you have a favour. As in, for me.
Johnny: Well, who says that, 'I have a favour for you?'
Alexis: Okay. Are you saying that you can't drive me to work?
Johnny: No, I can't. I need you to work the motel this Friday.
Alexis: Ew! What?!

Quote from David

Male Customer: Oh, can I get a gift receipt for that? It's for an anniversary.
David: Oh. Well, isn't that thoughtful. I wish everyone remembered special days like that, but, alas, that's not what this world is anymore.
Male Customer: I'll just take that gift receipt.
David: Yeah. You're a good person.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Well, Ted, if there are people here that can help you, you should hire them.
Ted: Well I'm very happy with the job that you're doing. And I- I like having you here.
Alexis: Well, I like being here, but not as much as like... Tiffany Seraris. The poor thing went to cat camp.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Well, I'm saying I didn't realize that there was a huge pile of way more qualified people just like waiting to be hired.
Ted: Yeah. But you're learning.
Alexis: I know, but I'm taking someone's desk here. Like someone who actually wants to touch animals a lot. Like... Maybe there's a job out there that I'm better suited for. And some other, like, gorgeous, slightly under qualified girl is sitting at my desk asking herself the same question.
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: I'm just realizing that wanting to come in and laugh at your animal puns isn't enough when there is like people here.
Ted: Those were genuine laughs?
Alexis: Sometimes, yeah.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Stevie! Stevie!
Stevie: [o.s.] Have you tried restarting it?
Johnny: What?
Stevie: Oh. Sorry, I thought you were having trouble with the computer again.
Johnny: No, no. Well, I'm stuck on all caps, but no.

Quote from Moira

Moira: As long as we have some time, I thought we'd revisit this delightful little number. I can't even remember why we stopped working on it.
Ronnie: Because we are an ensemble group and this requires a lead vocal that just happens to be in your range.
Moira: Ronnie, when one of us shines, all of us shine. That is the meaning of ensemble.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: The good news is I just got off the phone with the Little Towns' Big Voices Festival and the Elmdale Songbirds have had to drop out at the last minute. They got a terrible stomach flu that just run right through them. So the festival was wondering if the Jazzagals could sub in tonight!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, look at you! You are radiant.
Alexis: Hardly.
Moira: You are, Alexis. Oh, I'd advise against the mortarboard. It'll flatten your hair and pull focus away from that beautiful face.
Alexis: Well, I think everyone has to wear one.
Moira: Hmm. But by not wearing one, you'll stand out. And by the fact that you're a good ten years older than everyone else.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm so proud of you.
Alexis: I don't know why. Everybody graduates from high school.
Moira: No, it isn't easy. Especially at your age.
Alexis: Okay, can you please stop saying that?
Moira: Alexis, you've worked very hard and now that you've done this, the world is gonna open up wide for you.

Quote from David

David: Well, the amazing thing about this place is that they've done such a wonderful job of editing down the menu to a very concise, world-class selection of international cuisine.
Patrick: Agreed. Agreed. Dare we try the deep fried mozzarella stick platter?
David: Mmm. They do a lovely wine pairing with that so...

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I overheard someone wanted Mozzarella sticks for their birthday. Pretty sure I scraped off all the freezer burn.
Patrick: Wow. Look at those.
Twyla: Do you guys need anything else? 'Cause I'm just heading out, so...
Stevie: You know what, I have to go too. I totally forgot. I'm gonna take some to go, though.
Twyla: Okay. I should warn you, these don't travel well. Even coming from the kitchen, they lost a lot of shape.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: What are you doing here?
Ted: It's your graduation. What do you think I'm doing here? I was just taking pictures.
Alexis: I just quit, I thought you wouldn't wanna come.
Ted: Let's try to find another word for 'quit.' You know, it kinda implies poor management.

Quote from Moira

The Jazzagals: Ooh Tu, baroo, Tu baroo Sha la la, Oohh Tu, Tu, Tu, baroo Ooh, oooh Sha la la, Ohhhh, bop Baby I'm yours Baby I'm Yours And I'll be yours until The stars fall from the sky Yours until the rivers all run dry In other words, until I die Bop! Baby I'm yours Baby I'm Yours And I'll be yours Yours Until the sun no longer shines...

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Happy birthday, David.
David: Happy graduation, Alexis. Thank you.
Alexis: Thank you.
Johnny and Moira: [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow, For she's a jolly good fellow, For they're two jolly good fellows For graduating today and being born today [clapping]
David: "Happy day Alex and Davis".
Moira: We've done the best we can.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: And we should congratulate your mother on her performance tonight. [clapping]
Moira: Let's not forget, your father, Mr. Rose, sold out this motel for the first time ever. [quiet clapping]
Johnny: Yeah.
Johnny and Moira: [singing] For we're all jolly good people, For we're all jolly good people For we're all jolly good people
David: Okay, I think that this is really pulling focus from my birthday a bit though.
Johnny and Moira: [singing] That your Mother and me And Father and me Are so proud [Johnny tries for a high note] oooffff!


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