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‘The Hike’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Schitt's Creek: The Hike

513. The Hike

Aired April 2, 2019

Patrick and David go on a romantic hike. Meanwhile, Moira, Stevie and Roland rush Johnny to the hospital, and Twyla gives Alexis a tarot card reading.

Quote from Moira

Roland: Wow, Johnny, are you okay?
Moira: How long has this affliction been operative?
Johnny: Yeah, I felt a little tightening this morning, Moira, when I picked up that box of programs from the printer's, but I'm good.
Moira: John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!

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Quote from Patrick

David: What's going on?
Patrick: So I used to come on this hike a lot, when I first moved here, and I was, uh, I was developing feelings for this guy I had just gotten into business with. And I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't know if that guy had the same feelings. Or if I'd ever be able to muster up the courage to let him know how I felt. And now, here he is. The love of my life, standing in front of me. [David sobs] And this just felt like the perfect place to ask you to marry me.
David: [sobs] Wha- Are you sure?
Patrick: Easiest decision of my life.
David: [laughs; Patrick and David kiss] Are these 24-karat? It's a yes, it's a yes! I love you.

Quote from Moira

Dr. Lipman: Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman. We're gonna take you back for some tests.
Johnny: Good.
Moira: Is "tests" code for open heart surgery? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on "M.A.S.H."

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: Um, so where did you learn how to tell fortunes, Twy?
Twyla: Oh, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician, and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in-
David: Bosnian.
Alexis: We know!
Moira: Well, I happened upon the most charming petite patisserie this morning, and I thought, my children deserve breakfast in bed!
Alexis: Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused.
David: What do you want?
Moira: Just to be near you. Chalk it up to the heightened emotionality of opening night just around the corner, and my bébé girl leaving me so soon!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, what are we doing over here?
Ted: Well, Galapagos has some pretty killer beaches, so I thought we should come prepared.
Alexis: Oh, my God, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs. So let's just say I know my way around a beach.
Ted: All right, uh goggles, snorkels.
Alexis: I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, why? Why are we still waiting?
Johnny: Moira, it's a hospital. Why don't you sit down, sweetheart?
Moira: John? John, I have sentiments that I that I often say to myself, and I don't say them out loud to you, and I'd like you to hear them.
Johnny: Well, there are people around, Moira, so depending on what it is you're planning on saying.
Moira: [loudly] I have given far too much attention to this bicorn of a show. And I want you to know, John, that you are the most important thing in this world to me, you know that, don't you? And I include Caroline in that, and I've had that wig for 40-years.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, this might sound insane, but I've had this like, nagging feeling that as soon as I get there, I'm gonna start thinking about my family.
Ted: That- That doesn't sound insane.
Alexis: Okay, maybe I'm not expressing myself clearly. Like, I will physically be there, but I will be thinking about them here.
Ted: Right, so what you're describing is missing someone, and it is a totally normal feeling.
Alexis: Well, this is a new feeling for me, Ted! What if something happens to David? I'm basically his only friend. Or my Dad. David and my mom sometimes gang up on him, and I'm basically his only friend.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Hey, what's up?
Alexis: Nothing, I was just on my way back from Ted's, and I thought I'd pop in and see how you're doing, girl. Good shift?
Twyla: Is this about the card reading earlier?
Alexis: What? No. I've been thinking about the card reading earlier, and I just feel like it wasn't the greatest send off, you know? So hopefully I'll get a better one this time, and it will just like, erase the other one.
Twyla: I'd be glad to do it, Alexis, but I should warn you, I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.
Alexis: Okay, well maybe you should get a new deck.

Quote from David

Patrick: We're going on a hike, David. What, you always say you wanna do more physical activity, right?
David: Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to! I thought we were going on a picnic.
Patrick: We are. We just have to hike to get there.
David: Yeah, I was picturing us like, on a charming park bench in the middle of a private English garden.
Patrick: David, you have to stop watching "Notting Hill". It's not helpful for our relationship.
David: Okay. Speak for yourself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: In the Balkan Peninsula they say, "silence is but an empty serving platter." I'm sure there's a deluge of benign reasons they're keeping John back there.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh! And the programs arrived today.
Alexis: Can't wait to see them.
David: Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby?
Moira: And wouldn't you know it, they have presented themselves unfolded.
Alexis: Oh no, so you have to fold them all?
Moira: Theoretically. But then you remember my crippling carpal tunnel from all those years of signing checks. So why don't I grab you a big stack, and you two can turn it into a fun game.

Quote from Moira

David: I'm out for the afternoon. Patrick is taking me on a picnic.
Moira: Hm. Then Alexis, perhaps you can bring a few hundred to the cafe, and you and Twyla can gossip and fold, and fold and gossip?
Alexis: Nope, this is my one day off, and Ted and I are doing trip stuff.
Moira: They need to be folded! And I brought you pastries, and coffees!
David: Okay well, this coffee has nothing in it.
Moira: Oh, it's just a gesture, David! Stop being so literal.

Quote from Ted

Ted: We got lots of stuff. Biodegradable shampoo, and malaria pills.
Alexis: Excuse me?!
Ted: Uh no, they're just preventative. We'll also be bringing insect repellent.
Alexis: Okay. Maybe we can just get one of those sexy little mosquito nets for around our bed?
Ted: Those are actually an insane safety hazard. If they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage, so... But, totally. Actually, you know what? Why don't we go grab some breakfast, and I will tell you more about our bed there, and what we'll be doing in it.
Alexis: Theodore!

Quote from Alexis

Ted: We've just gotta make a quick pit-stop at the doctor's, to get some vaccines, and then we'll grab a bite.
Alexis: Okay, part of me is wondering if we even need the vaccines?
Ted: No, it's just a quick needle, Alexis. Think of it like um, getting Botox.
Alexis: Ew, Ted! What am I, 32? Oof!

Quote from David

David: Hey, what are we doing?
Patrick: We're here.
David: Yeah, I just sorta feel like picnicking by the side of the road is basically an invitation to be murdered.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, look at you, John, my handsome proletarian. All rumpled and sweaty.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, I'd be less sweaty if Roland hadn't just stood there and watched me load all the furniture onto his truck.
Roland: Johnny, I am loaning you my truck. And besides, I think you'd look good with a little working-man glow on you. I could do without the musky aroma though, whew!
Johnny: You know, Moira, when you said you needed a few pieces of furniture from the motel to round out the set for Cabaret, I didn't think you'd be robbing us blind.
Stevie: According to Mrs. Rose, our motel is the only place sad enough to pass for a pre-war Berlin brothel.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: What's going on here? Twy, I didn't know you played solitaire.
Twyla: I don't. These are tarot cards. I'm raising money for a new dishwasher, so I'm offering five dollar card readings.
Ronnie: Yeah, and she's good too. Last time she told me I was in for a bit of luck, and I won ten bucks on a lotto ticket.
Ted: Whoa!
Ronnie: I spent $20, but still.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Yeah, that's kinda why I don't love this stuff. It can really mess with your head.
Alexis: Babe. It's for charity. Twyla needs someone to wash her dishes.
Twyla: No, no, the restaurant needs a new appliance.
Alexis: Oh, okay. Well, you should probably get your story straight if you're getting people to donate money, though.

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