Previous Episode Next Episode 

50Quotes from ‘The Hike’

Schitt's Creek: The Hike

513. The Hike

Aired April 2, 2019

Patrick and David go on a romantic hike. Meanwhile, Moira, Stevie and Roland rush Johnny to the hospital, and Twyla gives Alexis a tarot card reading.

Quote from Moira

Roland: Wow, Johnny, are you okay?
Moira: How long has this affliction been operative?
Johnny: Yeah, I felt a little tightening this morning, Moira, when I picked up that box of programs from the printer's, but I'm good.
Moira: John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!

Quote from Patrick

David: What's going on?
Patrick: So I used to come on this hike a lot, when I first moved here, and I was, uh, I was developing feelings for this guy I had just gotten into business with. And I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't know if that guy had the same feelings. Or if I'd ever be able to muster up the courage to let him know how I felt. And now, here he is. The love of my life, standing in front of me. [David sobs] And this just felt like the perfect place to ask you to marry me.
David: [sobs] Wha- Are you sure?
Patrick: Easiest decision of my life.
David: [laughs; Patrick and David kiss] Are these 24-karat? It's a yes, it's a yes! I love you.

Quote from Moira

Dr. Lipman: Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman. We're gonna take you back for some tests.
Johnny: Good.
Moira: Is "tests" code for open heart surgery? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on "M.A.S.H."

Quote from Moira

Moira: Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in-
David: Bosnian.
Alexis: We know!
Moira: Well, I happened upon the most charming petite patisserie this morning, and I thought, my children deserve breakfast in bed!
Alexis: Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused.
David: What do you want?
Moira: Just to be near you. Chalk it up to the heightened emotionality of opening night just around the corner, and my bébé girl leaving me so soon!

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: Um, so where did you learn how to tell fortunes, Twy?
Twyla: Oh, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician, and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, what are we doing over here?
Ted: Well, Galapagos has some pretty killer beaches, so I thought we should come prepared.
Alexis: Oh, my God, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs. So let's just say I know my way around a beach.
Ted: All right, uh goggles, snorkels.
Alexis: I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, why? Why are we still waiting?
Johnny: Moira, it's a hospital. Why don't you sit down, sweetheart?
Moira: John? John, I have sentiments that I that I often say to myself, and I don't say them out loud to you, and I'd like you to hear them.
Johnny: Well, there are people around, Moira, so depending on what it is you're planning on saying.
Moira: [loudly] I have given far too much attention to this bicorn of a show. And I want you to know, John, that you are the most important thing in this world to me, you know that, don't you? And I include Caroline in that, and I've had that wig for 40-years.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, this might sound insane, but I've had this like, nagging feeling that as soon as I get there, I'm gonna start thinking about my family.
Ted: That- That doesn't sound insane.
Alexis: Okay, maybe I'm not expressing myself clearly. Like, I will physically be there, but I will be thinking about them here.
Ted: Right, so what you're describing is missing someone, and it is a totally normal feeling.
Alexis: Well, this is a new feeling for me, Ted! What if something happens to David? I'm basically his only friend. Or my Dad. David and my mom sometimes gang up on him, and I'm basically his only friend.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Hey, what's up?
Alexis: Nothing, I was just on my way back from Ted's, and I thought I'd pop in and see how you're doing, girl. Good shift?
Twyla: Is this about the card reading earlier?
Alexis: What? No. I've been thinking about the card reading earlier, and I just feel like it wasn't the greatest send off, you know? So hopefully I'll get a better one this time, and it will just like, erase the other one.
Twyla: I'd be glad to do it, Alexis, but I should warn you, I think the deck may be cursed. I predicted four other drownings today.
Alexis: Okay, well maybe you should get a new deck.

Quote from David

Patrick: We're going on a hike, David. What, you always say you wanna do more physical activity, right?
David: Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to! I thought we were going on a picnic.
Patrick: We are. We just have to hike to get there.
David: Yeah, I was picturing us like, on a charming park bench in the middle of a private English garden.
Patrick: David, you have to stop watching "Notting Hill". It's not helpful for our relationship.
David: Okay. Speak for yourself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: In the Balkan Peninsula they say, "silence is but an empty serving platter." I'm sure there's a deluge of benign reasons they're keeping John back there.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh! And the programs arrived today.
Alexis: Can't wait to see them.
David: Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby?
Moira: And wouldn't you know it, they have presented themselves unfolded.
Alexis: Oh no, so you have to fold them all?
Moira: Theoretically. But then you remember my crippling carpal tunnel from all those years of signing checks. So why don't I grab you a big stack, and you two can turn it into a fun game.

Quote from Moira

David: I'm out for the afternoon. Patrick is taking me on a picnic.
Moira: Hm. Then Alexis, perhaps you can bring a few hundred to the cafe, and you and Twyla can gossip and fold, and fold and gossip?
Alexis: Nope, this is my one day off, and Ted and I are doing trip stuff.
Moira: They need to be folded! And I brought you pastries, and coffees!
David: Okay well, this coffee has nothing in it.
Moira: Oh, it's just a gesture, David! Stop being so literal.

Quote from Ted

Ted: We got lots of stuff. Biodegradable shampoo, and malaria pills.
Alexis: Excuse me?!
Ted: Uh no, they're just preventative. We'll also be bringing insect repellent.
Alexis: Okay. Maybe we can just get one of those sexy little mosquito nets for around our bed?
Ted: Those are actually an insane safety hazard. If they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage, so... But, totally. Actually, you know what? Why don't we go grab some breakfast, and I will tell you more about our bed there, and what we'll be doing in it.
Alexis: Theodore!

Quote from Alexis

Ted: We've just gotta make a quick pit-stop at the doctor's, to get some vaccines, and then we'll grab a bite.
Alexis: Okay, part of me is wondering if we even need the vaccines?
Ted: No, it's just a quick needle, Alexis. Think of it like um, getting Botox.
Alexis: Ew, Ted! What am I, 32? Oof!

Quote from David

David: Hey, what are we doing?
Patrick: We're here.
David: Yeah, I just sorta feel like picnicking by the side of the road is basically an invitation to be murdered.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, look at you, John, my handsome proletarian. All rumpled and sweaty.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, I'd be less sweaty if Roland hadn't just stood there and watched me load all the furniture onto his truck.
Roland: Johnny, I am loaning you my truck. And besides, I think you'd look good with a little working-man glow on you. I could do without the musky aroma though, whew!
Johnny: You know, Moira, when you said you needed a few pieces of furniture from the motel to round out the set for Cabaret, I didn't think you'd be robbing us blind.
Stevie: According to Mrs. Rose, our motel is the only place sad enough to pass for a pre-war Berlin brothel.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: What's going on here? Twy, I didn't know you played solitaire.
Twyla: I don't. These are tarot cards. I'm raising money for a new dishwasher, so I'm offering five dollar card readings.
Ronnie: Yeah, and she's good too. Last time she told me I was in for a bit of luck, and I won ten bucks on a lotto ticket.
Ted: Whoa!
Ronnie: I spent $20, but still.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Yeah, that's kinda why I don't love this stuff. It can really mess with your head.
Alexis: Babe. It's for charity. Twyla needs someone to wash her dishes.
Twyla: No, no, the restaurant needs a new appliance.
Alexis: Oh, okay. Well, you should probably get your story straight if you're getting people to donate money, though.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Is there water near where you're going?
Ted: Yeah, we're going to an island.
Alexis: Ooh! I forgot it was an island!
Twyla: And are there boats near the water?
Ted: Yeah, there are boats on the water. Oh, we can charter this catamaran at sunset.
Twyla: Yeah, so I see a boat capsizing.
Alexis: What?
Twyla: People screaming. And a couple, like, under water. And then it sort of fades to black.

Quote from Twyla

Ted: No, wait come on, you can't actually see that in these cards.
Twyla: Well, I also need to interpret the cards.
Ted: Okay, so maybe you could interpret something a little more positive?
Twyla: Oh, I also see a party. People dressed up all fancy in black.
Alexis: Like a black and white party?
Twyla: Mm, more like a funeral.

Quote from David

David: Okay, there's no service here.
Patrick: David, put your phone down. We don't need service, we have each other.
David: Well, if you can track my eBay bid, then, by all means.

Quote from David

David: Did we really need two backpacks? I mean, what are you keeping in these things?
Patrick: Well, you had a pretty long list, and we needed ice packs to keep the cheese that you requested cold.
David: Well, did I get the ice pack one? Because this is not light. Just wonder why we couldn't have found a meadow somewhere, you know, with some men on horseback like, trotting in the background.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, if you make it through-
Stevie: When!
Moira: When what?
Stevie: When he pulls through!
Moira: Yes! Everything will change, John. We are going to eat healthier. No, well... Not less... Less wine at dinner. I'll have to keep the pills, but I'm not one who's the health risk here.
Stevie: Mrs. Rose, you really need to sit down, because at this point I feel like I am at risk of heart failure.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Okay, Johnny, um I figured you were probably hungry, so um, I got you some snacks; here's some chips. And then, this, Johnny, is an energy drink. So that you can stay awake.
Stevie: No! He shouldn't be having any of that. Will you stop going to the vending machine?
Roland: I'm sorry, Stevie, hospitals make me nervous. The last time I was in one was with Lenny. Although he didn't stay very long.
Moira: Oh, my God!
Stevie: What is wrong with you?!

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Whatcha doin' there?
Alexis: Um, just being on the internet.
Ted: Alexis, that's just an image search for intense boating disasters?
Alexis: I just wanted to know what I would look like after a catamaran accident.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Come on, you can't tell me that you actually believe Twyla's card reading.
Alexis: Of course not. We're just like, super-duper sure that this is the vacation we want to be taking?
Ted: What? This is not a vacation. I'm going for work. And look, if you're scared of drowning, we don't have to go on the catamaran tour.
Alexis: Oh, it's more than that, Ted. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been travelling the world since I was a teen model. But something about this just feels different.
Ted: Is this about the juice stand? Because I told you, we can just make our own. There's fruit literally everywhere.

Quote from David

David: Okay, so how should I set up the picnic?
Patrick: Yeah, I think it might be a bit late for that. Why don't we, uh, why don't we just take in the view for a little while, and then we'll save the picnic for another day?
David: Okay, I didn't carry you up a mountain not to eat cheese after, so...

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I don't know, David.
David: Okay, just tell me what to do, and I'll set it all up!
Patrick: Okay, fine. Um, in the red bag there's a blanket, you can take that out and lay it down.
David: Okay. This is nice.
Patrick: Uh, in the second bag, there is a bundle of crackers and cheese.
David: Uh excuse moi!
Patrick: And champagne. Hmm! And uh, just one more thing. Um, if you go into that front pocket there, there's actually something.

Quote from Patrick

David: What is this?
Patrick: That's your picnic basket. We're gonna need our hands free for the-
David: For the hike.
Patrick: Hey, you're gonna love this. Trust me.
David: Will I?

Quote from Roland

Moira: Oh John, be careful! It's a rental.
Johnny: I'm sorry, sweetheart. It slipped right through my fingers.
Roland: Just like your youth, right, old man?

Quote from Roland

Johnny: It's just a little muscle pull, that's all, Moira.
Roland: Yeah, you know, my cousin, Lenny, had the same exact thing, Johnny.
Stevie: Well, what did your cousin do? Can we call him?
Roland: [sighs] You can try, I don't think you'll have much luck. The poor guy died of a heart attack.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, no one panic. Okay, Stevie, get your car. John's a slow driver. We'll leave the programs behind. Or maybe we'll bring a stack for the trip?
Stevie: N- No, Mrs. Rose!
Moira: You're right. Everybody move!
Johnny: Okay.
Moira: No! Not you, John!

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay, David, do you want to turn around?!
David: Well, the app that's counting my steps isn't working, so I honestly don't know.
Patrick: You know what? I got up early to pack these bags for us because I thought this would be a fun thing to do together, but obviously that was a mistake.
David: Okay, wow. So then, let's keep going, then.
Patrick: Well no, 'cause there's like, another half an hour to go. So I think it's probably better if we just call it now, and forget about the picnic.
David: Okay, well, we can't forget about the picnic, because I will need to eat at some point soon.
Patrick: Really?
David: Okay! I love that you've done this for us, and I think you look very dashing in your hiking clothes. It's just a long way to go for some cheese.

Quote from David

Patrick: Ow!
David: Where's the bear?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, I've been calling David, and he's not picking up!
Johnny: And what about Alexis?
Moira: There's an idea. Anybody have her number?

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Yeah, I'll be fine.
Stevie: You're gonna be okay.
Johnny: I'll be fine.
Moira: Be careful with him. Precious cargo. [places her head on Roland's shoulder]
Roland: Whoa, whoa, Moira. Too soon, too soon. Come on.

Quote from David

David: Is it bleeding?
Patrick: I don't know, my shoe is on.
David: Okay. Yeah, I don't see anything, but we should still put something on it, because I don't trust where that stick has been. Now, which of these backpacks have the first aid kit in it?
Patrick: I didn't bring one. It was either the first aid kit, or the ice packs. I wanna go home, David! This whole day's been a bust.
David: Well, that's not happening, so...
Patrick: What is that?
David: It's hand sanitizer, it can be used as a disinfectant. You think I'd come to a picnic without it? Okay, there we go. We'll reapply later, but at least I don't have to worry about gangrene.

Quote from David

David: I'm sorry for not appreciating you enough today. You've packed two big backpacks full of food, and not a Band-aid to be found in either of them, but still. If you wanna keep hiking, I think we should keep hiking.
Patrick: No, I don't think so. But thank you. I think I sorta killed the romance.
David: No, you didn't. You planned this beautiful day for us. And I think we should finish it. Can you walk?
Patrick: Yeah, I think so.
David: Then we keep going. Also, I'm starving, and I need to eat something.
Patrick: I should probably get out in front, David. You have no idea where you're going.
David: Okay. That's fair.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay, Alexis, you are taking a step out of the nest for the first time in a while, and that's a good thing. And if we get there, and we hate it, well, we'll probably have to wait it out a bit, just because it's pretty far away, and it would be pretty tough to re-book our travel arrangements, but if we still hate it after that, we can just come home.
Alexis: You're right. [looks to laptop]
Ted: Oh, no, no, we're gonna close that now. 'Cause there are some pretty disturbing images on there. Oh God!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, you know, uh, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. It's been a long time, that's usually not a good sign.
Stevie: Roland.
Roland: Hmm?
Stevie: I don't think Mrs. Rose needs to hear that right now.

Quote from Stevie

Roland: Yeah, I'm sure. He- He probably just roped them into one of his long-winded stories. [chuckles] Or he could be on a table with a triple bypass.
Stevie: Mr. Rose is gonna be fine, he has to be. [exhales] I mean, I can't be left alone with this motel. I don't do math.

Quote from Roland

Moira: John! You scared me!
Roland: Oh Johnny, I thought this was the end of the road for you, pal! Oh! You're a blessing, my friend! A blessing! A real blessing. You are.
Johnny: Thank you, Roland.

Quote from Johnny

Dr. Lipman: Mr. Rose needs to lay off the morning cinnamon buns, and steer clear of acidic foods for a while. But apart from that, he's good to go.
Moira: Is he, then?
Johnny: Well, he did say that there have been some fatal cases of heartburn.
Dr. Lipman: Did I?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, it's good to be back. And thank you, Doctor. I'll have to call you with the rest of that Pebble Beach story.
Moira: Oh, John, the man's done enough!
Dr. Lipman: [mouths] Thank you.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, I'm fine.
David: You were limping, and the rest of the hike would've made it worse. Plus, you don't want to know what my Mom would do if you showed up to opening night, and couldn't walk.

Quote from Patrick

David: Well, this is nice.
Patrick: I wouldn'tve made you hike all this way if I didn't think it was gonna be worth it. I know you a little better than that.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Death aside, your last reading was really good.
Alexis: It was?
Twyla: You guys got up from the table before I could get to it. I flipped the Ten of Cups.
Alexis: And?
Twyla: And I saw your family with this big golden ring of light around them. Like you all had something to celebrate.
Alexis: Hmm.
Twyla: It's gonna be a good year, Alexis. You're on the right path.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: And that golden ring means prosperity.
Alexis: Hm.
Twyla: Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.
Alexis: Ew.


 Episode 512 Episode 514