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34Quotes from ‘Little Sister’

Schitt's Creek: Little Sister

111. Little Sister

Aired March 17, 2015

Moira's younger sister, Deedee, comes for a surprise visit. Meanwhile, Jocelyn asks David to speak to a kid in her class, and Alexis gives Twlya relationship advice.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.
Mutt: Voluntarily.
Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: So what's going on over there?
Twyla: I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt.
Alexis: Oh! Is it his birthday or something?
Twyla: No. Um, my dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song." He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: [to David] In all honesty, Mutt was just a place holder. According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm suppose to marry is black, so...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Agghhhhhh! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Johnny: What?
Moira: Fuck me!
Johnny: What?
Moira: John, there's something in the bed!
Johnny: What?
Moira: Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it!
Johnny: What?
Moira: I can't see it!
Johnny: A spider?
Moira: No! Something invisible like lice, or scabies, or bed bugs!
Johnny: Oh, we don't have bed bugs.
Moira: Oh, John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes!

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: Hey, Twyla. Twyla! Twyla?! [throws a muffin at Twyla] I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.
Twyla: [taking headphones off] That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Hi. Can I ask you something?
David: Uh, that depends.
Jocelyn: How shall I put this? You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.
David: Thank you.
Jocelyn: Your floral top, for instance.
David: Is there something I can help you with?
Jocelyn: Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in.
David: Mm-hmm.
Jocelyn: He's also struggling with his sexuality, which I think that you may be also...
David: What can I help you with, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come down to the school, you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that things only get better.
David: The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't-
Jocelyn: I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David. Oh, and honey, get the quilted; that other stuff will chafe you right up.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: So walk me through this She offered you a cheque and you turned it down?
Moira: She was insulting us!
Johnny: Moira, the woman dates dive bar owners, okay? Let her insult us. Well, I don't know whether you've noticed, but we could use the money. You talk about bed bugs? That cheque could pay for fumigation. Better yet, we could move to a place that doesn't have bed bugs.
Moira: I don't want her money. I want our money she owes us. We loaned her $50,000 dollars.
Johnny: We gave her $50,000 dollars. And you spent more than that on wigs that year.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: I don't see any one else lining up to give us cheques.
Moira: Why are you taking her side?
Johnny: I'm not taking her side, but she's offering us a way out and you're letting your pride get in the way.
Moira: It's all I have left, John, literally.
Johnny: Swallow it, Moira.
Moira: I can't.
Johnny: Yes, you can. And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with.

Quote from David

David: So I am mentoring a teen in crisis later. That's what I'm doing. One of Jocelyn's students, so... He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life. Giving back.
Stevie: Wow.
David: Yeah.
Stevie: And on a scale of one to ten, how much are you looking forward to that?
David: Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not everyday you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so...

Quote from David

David: I don't know how much Mrs. Schitt has told you, but she asked me to come in and have a chat. She thinks that since we're both new here it might be worth talking about some things like, you know, fitting in. Apparently you're having trouble fitting in.
Connor: Who- Who- Who are who are you?
David: Oh, my name is David.
Connor: Are you like a doctor or something? A psychologist?
David: Am I what? N-uh, no.
Connor: So why would I talk to you?
David: I don't know. Because your teacher is concerned that you're having trouble adjusting. So she told you to come here and-
Connor: And what, help- Help me? Look at you. Look at your pants.
David: Excuse me! I am sensing a tinge of disrespect here.
Connor: I'll tell you what my problem is. I'm a 16-year-old gay kid living in a town that makes me wanna throw up. The issue isn't me not fitting in. It's me not wanting to fit in. Is there anything else you wanna, you wanna help me with?
David: No.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, I hear the pork is very good here. The ribs, the chops, the roast-
Deedee: Nothing for me, thanks.
Johnny: Well, isn't that funny. Because Moira doesn't eat here either. But I will be eating and I just don't know whether to have the ribs or the chops, but I'm definitely ordering pork.
Moira: If you mention pork one more time.

Quote from David

Connor: Okay so you're telling me your girlfriend is on a date with someone else and, instead of doing something about it, you're here talking to me, a kid who practically has no respect for you.
David: Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy. Second of all, she is not my girlfriend. She's someone I'm occasionally having sex with because we're bored and desperate.
Connor: Ah, you're doing a friends with benefits thing with this girl. Have you not seen the 42 films they've made about it? It never works.
David: Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right? You'll learn that later in life. I happen to be a little bit older than you are, so-
Connor: Obviously.
David: Okay. Well, I think we're good here. You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?
Connor: I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer?
David: Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?!

Quote from David

Stevie: What and why are we drinking?
David: Oh, my goodness. Um, I don't know. And today, some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess, so...

Quote from Moira

Deedee: Guess who?
Johnny: Deedee?!
Deedee: Hi, Momo.
Moira: What the hell?
Deedee: Sorry. I know I should've called, but um I just thought it'd be really fun to come see my older sister in her new digs. You know, a little visit. Oh. Um, do you really have lice? I'd hate to contract lice.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: So, Deedee, you are looking well.
Deedee: Seaweed facials. I get one every week. But enough about me, I wanna talk about you guys. Mm. I want you to know that I really wanted to come and visit you when I heard about your life collapsing, but I got this really big job promotion that week and things got, you know, kinda crazy. Plus, we haven't really seen much of each other recently.
Johnny: Yes, well, we've had kind of a hectic year.
Deedee: Well, thank goodness for the Internet. Seemed to be the only thing letting me know you two were still alive.
Moira: Telephone is also amazing. You just push the buttons and say, "Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister."

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Kids, come in and say hi to your aunt Deedee.
Moira: Better hurry before she disappears for another decade.

Quote from Alexis

Deedee: Oh! What? Look at you guys! You've grown!
Alexis: Why did I think that you were dead?
Deedee: Ah, you're so sweet. Now, how long has it been since we've seen each other?
David: I think you crashed one of my pool parties with some guy you were calling "Uncle Julio."
Deedee: Oh! I remember that. [chuckling] All right, you guys treat yourself, okay? Buy yourself something nice.
David: A hundred dollars?! Oh my goodness, wow.
Alexis: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I missed you! I missed you so much! I missed you so much!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Deedee, what are you doing here?
Johnny: Are you staying here at the motel? Can I get you a room?
Deedee: No. God no. No, I mean no, I- I booked myself into a junior suite at the Comfort Inn in Elmdale, thank you. This is very darling, it's just it doesn't have a gym and I'm kind of in the best shape of my life right now and I kinda wanna keep it that way.

Quote from David

Stevie: Grant, this is David Rose.
David: Hi.
Stevie: He's one of our permanent guests here.
David: Don't say that again.

Quote from David

David: Wow. He is wearing a tight shirt. So is he gonna do some repairs on your on your undies?
Stevie: Who's to say he hasn't already.
David: Wow. Great.
Stevie: Why, is that a problem for you?
David: No. No. Do you. Do him. Do both. Do things.
Stevie: Great. I think I might.

Quote from David

Stevie: So, we should probably establish some boundaries about this whole friends with benefits thing.
David: Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that. Let's, uh, let's put up some boundaries, uh, for the infrequent benefits that our friendship has. I think that's really good. Can we do that after you screw mister fix-it or would you like to do it now? Let's throw some boundaries up.
Stevie: Okay.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: So you're writing a song for Mutt then?
Twyla: Yeah, I'm trying to.
Alexis: Cute. So what, is it about- Your feelings, or is it love and-
Ted: What? Are we shooting a Dateline investigative report?
Alexis: No, we're not. I'm just looking out for my friend.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay. Because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a- He was a super angry marine, but-
Ted: Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song.
Alexis: Okay, I know! And I'm all for it, I'm all for it. I just think it's, um, I think it's a super big mistake.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, give me a break. How did you find me?
Deedee: Well, where else is there to go? And Johnny may have told me.
Moira: Thank you, Johnny.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Fifty thousand dollars. Does that sound familiar?
Deedee: Yes. You gave that to me as a downpayment-
Moira: No! Loaned it.
Deedee: You gave it to me as a down payment for my Buffalonian town house.
Moira: We handed you the money and you said..?
Deedee: Thank you?
Moira: Oh, too late.
Deedee: Well, Moira, considering you had over 500 million dollars in the bank, I'm a little personally offended that I didn't get more.
Moira: Go away, Deedee.

Quote from Stevie

David: So you and Grant. How are things going?
Stevie: Uh, well, he asked me out for dinner tonight, so we're gonna do that. We're gonna go for dinner, Grant and I.
David: Yeah. Yeah, that's- Well, he seems like a really like respectable guy. Like one of those guys that has like a candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something.
Stevie: Oh, hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Go ahead and order whatever you want. This is on us.
Deedee: Oh. They're letting you run up a long tab, are they?
Moira: You see?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Deedee, we appreciate you coming to this town and offering whatever it is you're offering. Much appreciated. 'Cause seriously, I thought you were just coming here to gloat.
Deedee: No, no, no. I came here in the spirit of giving and forgiving. The the gloating thing was a bonus.

Quote from Johnny

Deedee: How much are we gonna make this out for?
Johnny: Oh, I haven't the foggiest. I couldn't I couldn't come up with a number. I mean, I whatever you think is fair.
Deedee: Well, you guys gave me fifty grand, right?
Johnny: Yes, we gave you fifty thousand when we had the money. But I can't I can't ask you for fifty thousand dollars. Whatever you think is the equivalent amount.
Deedee: Okay, I think I can do you a little better than that. Okay?
Johnny: Oh, so unnecessary, Deedee, but thank you. Well, who's up for pork?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So how's the, uh, song going? Is that- Is the song still a thing?
Twyla: Yeah! Do you wanna hear some of it?
Alexis: Um, I would love to, but I actually hate music, so I don't think I'd be a very good judge.
Twyla: You hate music?
Alexis: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Stevie

Twyla: And I am now a single person.
David: So did you spend the night washing your clothes on Grant's abs?
Stevie: You're funny.
David: Mm-hmm.
Stevie: Um, Grant went to the bathroom and never came back.
David: What? He w- He went to the bathroom and never came back?
Stevie: Mm-hmm. So either I was stood up halfway through my date or Grant has some serious digestive issues.

Quote from David

David: So word on teen street is that our little friends with benefits situation is a-
Stevie: Not a good idea?
David: Is a bad idea. And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you, so I think it's best if we just-
Stevie: Friends.
David: Friends.
Stevie: Yup.
David: I think that's best.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Good. This is good.
David: That's good, right?
Stevie: That's good.
David: Okay. Well, warmest wishes to that.
Stevie: Kindest regards.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: So this is it? After all that? And we paid for the dinner! So we lost money on the whole deal. I'll tell ya, she's gonna be embarrassed when this thing gets cashed. She will be embarrassed. She missed a zero. Moira, she missed a zero or two. I- You know what? I'm gonna call her. I'm calling her right now, that- What a cheap-ass amount!
Moira: Turn your light off, John.
Johnny: Your sister is a cheap ass. Cheap ass.


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