Alexis: I was wondering where you ran off to.
Ted: Yeah well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Do you remember that couples vacation that I booked for us right before you broke off our engagement?
Alexis: Again, I'm-I'm super sorry about that.
Ted: No, no, it's awesome. 'Cause they actually gave me the "Broken Hearts Special." Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.
Alexis: Hmm! [laughs] Look at you, and now you have a bike!
Ted: Yeah! Yeah, no, I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these, and it cost less than the ring, so...

Ted: My day's been stacked, doing rounds to some farms, checking on the animals, and now some house calls, But I gotta say, it's a lot more fun now that I've got this puppy. Pun intended.
Alexis: [laughs] Look at you! It's like if the "Sons of Anarchy" had a vet.
Ted: Yeah! Except they don't wear helmets on that show. Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.

Alexis: No, I think it was about, um, vacation days.
Ted: Ah.
Alexis: Yeah, you had mentioned two weeks. So I guess I was just wondering, um, how many two-week vacations are available per year?
Ted: Well, tell you what, why don't we start with one and then we'll just go from there.

Ted: You know, I'm actually having more fun at this party than I thought I would.
Alexis: How did you do it?
Ted: Well, I started by drinking all four of those peach schnapps that you left in my fridge...

Alexis: Oh, my God, what happened? Did you get in a bar fight?
Ted: Uh, you know, I'd actually prefer not to talk about it.
Alexis: Okay.
Ted: Just for the sake of maintaining some professional boundaries.
Alexis: Yeah, okay, totally. You owe someone money?
Ted: Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

Ted: Sometimes I wish I could go back to college. Pub nights, frisbee in the quad-
Alexis: Hmm.
Ted: Late night hacky sack. We got some serious sack circles going.
Alexis: Oh, so many sex circles.
Ted: Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but still... College, so crazy.
Alexis: So crazy.

Ted: And truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.
Alexis: You're only saying that to make me feel better.
Ted: No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off.
Alexis: Really?
Ted: Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so no regrets.
Alexis: Um, I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but thank you.
Ted: That makes two of us.

Alexis: Here's something, speaking of friend stuff, um, David is doing this friends and family discount for his store opening. And I know that you love discounts, so, I was thinking that maybe we could go...
Ted: Yeah. That sounds, yeah.
Alexis: As friends. I would go as family, and you would go as friends of the family.
Ted: Well, I do love discounts. In fact, they had to delete Groupon from my phone last week, just 'cause three vacuums is enough vacuums.

Alexis: What are you doing here?
Ted: It's your graduation. What do you think I'm doing here? I was just taking pictures.
Alexis: I just quit, I thought you wouldn't wanna come.
Ted: Let's try to find another word for 'quit.' You know, it kinda implies poor management.

Ted: I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.
Alexis: Hmm, thank you.
Ted: Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats? What was he doing here?