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‘Friends & Family’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Friends & Family

312. Friends & Family

Aired March 28, 2017

David and Patrick prepare for the launch of Rose Apothecary. Meanwhile, Alexis is nervous to find out whether she passed high school, and Moira surprises Johnny with a large family portrait that used to adorn their great hall.

Quote from David

David: I was thinking what if we did like a soft launch. Um, and you know, just test the store out on a small group of people. Did like an exclusive VIP guest list, and offered, you know, a friends and family discount as incentive.
Patrick: Huh, now it's sounding like you don't think people will show.
David: No, I do. I do think, um, that people will come. It's just, you know, I look to like Gwyneth who soft-launched the goop newsletter and now it's a thriving lifestyle publication slash empire, and...
Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about, but it's up to you.

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Quote from Moira

Moira: Wow.
Johnny: David did all this?
Moira: I can't believe it. He's managed to create, in this town, something truly winsome. I would shop here, John. Even without a nagging sense of obligation.

Quote from David

Jocelyn: Um, David, I need to ask ya a little question about this baggy of Joshua tree tea?
David: Sure.
Jocelyn: Is it drugs?
David: Uh, no. It's loose leaf tea.
Jocelyn: Okay. Because it smells exactly like...
Roland: Oh, come on. Oh, wow. Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.
David: It's not a front. That is a tea that Mr. Hockley makes out of a greenhouse on his farm. And now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double check.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, I love it. Let's get this inside. David.
David: Huh? What?
Roland: 20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in.
Johnny: Oh, yeah. David.
David: What?!
Roland: 30 bucks and I'll help you in with it.
Johnny: Mm, right. David!
David: I don't know what! What? What? What? What do you want?
Roland: 40 bucks and I'll help you in with it. I can keep going up. Can play this game all day, pal.

Quote from Johnny

David: Okay, well, this is gonna be the opposite of that. We're inviting a select group of VIPs, and offering a 25% friends and family discount.
Moira: Well, that sounds meek.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right.
David: Well, that's what we're doing.
Johnny: Well, what if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50%?
David: Why would you wanna spend less money at my store?

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, we are happy to support this modest little vigil you're hosting but to hand out discounts before the store has even birthed, it sounds a tad defeatist. I hope you don't mind if I keep this information to myself.
David: I don't want you to share the news. The smaller the better.
Moira: Oh, rarely has that been a recipe for success.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Well, you guys are together, like, all the time now, so who needs this, right?
Johnny: Well, that's true. But, this happens to be one of the only possessions that wasn't sold off.
Stevie: Really? You'd think there'd be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people's families. Why does it seem like Mrs. Roses eyes are following me?
Johnny: Oh, she paid extra for that.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, I had an idea about what to do with the portrait.
Moira: Oh, it's still there, waiting for us. Isn't it?
Johnny: I was thinking, to save space, we could cut our faces out and make four smaller, individual portraits.
Moira: We could here's another thought. We bid it farewell.
Johnny: Are you kidding?
Moira: It doesn't fit, John. And I don't just mean literally. We aren't those people anymore. We are, but we aren't.

Quote from David

Man: Hey, back of the line, bro!
Woman: Hey, no cutting!
David: 'Scuse me, this is my store. Who are you?
Woman: I'm Darleen's cousin. Who the fuck are you?
David: My God. Uh, that kind of language, folks, will not be tolerated at Rose Apothecary. Thank you. This is a safe place.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Is everything okay? You usually take down the messages, even if you forget to give them to me.
Alexis: It's just that my grades are being posted today so I'm just kind of avoiding the computer.
Ted: Oh. Oh, oh, okay. Well, that's not really an option, so how about I'll just look for you.
Alexis: No, it's okay, I can do it. It's just that if I fail I may need the afternoon off.
Ted: Also not an option, but I will be here for you if it's bad news.

Quote from Johnny

David: When it comes to expectations, it's always better to go under than over.
Johnny: Yeah, I don't know if that's true, son. Every Rose video we opened had fireworks. Day or night. People love pizazz.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: [inhaling whistle] Should've ordered more food and wine. Well, looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit, huh.
David: But it's not supposed to be firm.
Patrick: Well, with this many people it's definitely at least semi-firm.
David: Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't get hard. And that's something- That's what I just said to you, so...

Quote from Moira

Ted: Good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Rose. I take it that Alexis has told you the big news?
Johnny: Big news?
Alexis: Um, well, it wasn't that big a deal, but the other day at work Ted and I went to hug.
Ted: No, uh, actually I was talking about you passing your exams.
Johnny: Honey, you passed!
Moira: Oh, Alexis, what a delightful surprise. Not that I'm surprised. I had nothing but doubts. No doubts. That you could do this.

Quote from David

David: Um, is that your juice?
Patrick: Ah, no. Technically, I think it's our juice, ah, because you just took it from the fridge and didn't pay for it so Mm-hm.
David: Um, it's just that I don't normally share beverages with people.
Patrick: Really? That is shocking news.
David: Yeah. Yeah. Fortunately, um, you look like you have a clean mouth, so...
Patrick: Sorry. A clean mouth?
David: Yeah. Some people have nice, clean mouths, and some people have sloppy mouths.
Patrick: I see.

Quote from David

Johnny: Oh, Moira, kids this is so unnecessary.
Alexis: What is it?
Moira: It's a gift from us to your father.
David: Okay. I'd rather not attach my name to a gift that I had no hand in selecting.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Oh, my God. Where did you find this, honey?
Roland: Well, Moira told me it was down at the post office, so...
Johnny: I was talking to my wife.
Moira: The Van Housens found it in their storage room and thought that we should have it.
Roland: Who's the lady in the back?
Moira: It's Moira.
Roland: Flattering.
Johnny: It's a family portrait, Roland.
Roland: Oh. You you all look like cartoons.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: It's so weird, I don't even remember posing for this.
Moira: Because you didn't. You were in rehab when we sat for this.
Alexis: I wasn't in rehab, I was at rehab visiting Stavros.
Johnny: Oh, that's right. We had your face painted on the body of my assistant.
David: Hm. That's why you look so good.
Alexis: [fake chuckle]

Quote from Moira

Moira: I can't tell if this room is just very, very small, or if the portrait is very, very big.
Johnny: Well, I think it's quite possible both are true.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Do you think the Van Housens had it enlarged?
Johnny: No, Th- this is the actual size. Remember, Reiner wanted to paint it twice as big.
Moira: Oh, look at it, John.
Johnny: Well, don't worry, we'll we'll find a place for it. Ah, you know, we can take things off a wall, or, um, rearrange some furniture. Maybe move some wigs.
Moira: Oh, John, I know how nostalgic you still get for the old days, and I just wanted to do something thoughtful for you.
Johnny: Oh, Moira, this portrait is a wonderful reminder of your generous spirit and the enormous strength of this family.
Moira: Aw.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Ah, either way you do need to call the electrician to hang these lights that were supposed to be up a week ago.
David: Yeah. Yeah. I was waiting I was waiting for a call back from him.
Patrick: Mm.
David: But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna follow up.
Patrick: Sure.
David: Can I have my juice back, please?
Patrick: No. You have a sloppy mouth.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Hey, did Mrs. Syzlak call? She's late for her appointment.
Alexis: Um, yeah. She cancelled. She said that her cat is better.
Ted: She doesn't have a cat.
Alexis: Okay. Sorry, who am I thinking of? Um, somebody isn't coming in today and someone's cat is better. Oh, and someone's something may be worse...

Quote from Moira

David: Actually, I wanted you to be the first to know that Patrick and I will be launching the store this Friday.
Moira: Ooh!
Johnny: Oh, great news. A grand opening.
David: Hmm. We've doing more of a soft launch.
Moira: I don't like the sound of that.
David: Why? It's actually a very effective business strategy. And it's always better to go under.
Moira: Go under?
David: No.
Moira: David, if the business is foundering it's best to tell us now.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Here's something, speaking of friend stuff, um, David is doing this friends and family discount for his store opening. And I know that you love discounts, so, I was thinking that maybe we could go...
Ted: Yeah. That sounds, yeah.
Alexis: As friends. I would go as family, and you would go as friends of the family.
Ted: Well, I do love discounts. In fact, they had to delete Groupon from my phone last week, just 'cause three vacuums is enough vacuums.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Oh, my God.
Johnny: Isn't it something? I always felt something was missing in here and then it occurred to me that a lot of family-run businesses hang a portrait of the family in the workplace.
Stevie: Oh. Well, that reminds me, I've been meaning to have my family portrait airlifted in...

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, I know it's a little arresting at first, but I think with time you won't even know it's here.
Stevie: Mm. I don't think that's gonna happen. You don't look very happy in this.
Johnny: Well, it wasn't the style to look happy. The motivation was to look successful. You know, this used to hang in the great hall of our house.
Stevie: Oh, now this seems a little understated for a great hall.
Johnny: I'd look at it every morning. The family often wasn't all together back then, but, uh, I could look at this and there we were.

Quote from David

Bob: David, just the guy I wanted to see. Listen, uh, Gwen wanted me to ask you, er, if if we both have plus-ones for the opening, or do we have to be each other's plus-ones?
David: Who's Gwen?
Bob: [laughs] That's very funny.
Twyla: Oh, my mother's boyfriend wanted to bring his secretary.
David: He did? Why not. Um, I'm gonna go. But I'm really glad that someone told you. Um, and Bob, and Gwen.

Quote from David

David: Uh, how many people did you tell about Friday?
Patrick: Just the names on my pre-approved list. Why?
David: Uh, because I have been approached by a lot of people who are not on the pre-approved list.
Patrick: Well, you know, sometimes when you tell everyone that it's exclusive, then everybody just wants in. Like how many people are we talking about?
David: Uh, I don't know. Twyla's whole family. So, like, 75?

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, relax. It's going to be fine.
David: Oh, my God, the lights! I didn't call the electrician.
Patrick: [clicks lights on] I watched a lot of YouTube tutorials.
David: This is very impressive.
Patrick: Well, there is a good chance I didn't wire that properly, so that's why I also got the insurance that you forgot to get.
David: M'kay. Um, there's only so much that I can do in a day. So, um, are we ready to do this?
Patrick: Open the doors. [whispers] Softly.

Quote from Roland

Roland: So um, this says foot cream on it. What happens if I use it on my hand?
David: Um, I'm pretty sure your hands are gonna be fine.
Roland: Okay, and it's like 50% if Jocelyn and I both buy it at the same time?
David: Um, n-no. Have you been talking to my dad about the discount?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know, you might be right. It's funny when I look at that portrait now, I find myself wondering, "Were we really that happy back then?"
Moira: Yes.
Johnny: We were.
Moira: Oh, deliriously happy.
Johnny: Oh, and I miss that beach house.
Moira: Oh, my God, I still dream that we wake up in our old bed. Nothing's changed.
Johnny: No. No. We can't go down that road, Moira. We have to focus on what we do have. No?
Moira: Yes. Yes.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I want to say, that I got you a little something for passing your exams.
Alexis: Oh. Oh, Ted! You picked up a stick.
Ted: Uh, no, it's a it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.
Alexis: Wasn't that was sneaky of you. I will definitely try to use this. It looks very delicate.
Ted: Yeah, it's a lot more expensive than I thought, too. I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.

Quote from Alexis

David: Well, it fits here. I wonder what else the Van Housens took from us.
Moira: Don't waste your time thinking about those human vultures.
Johnny: I think they did us a favour. They sent us a reminder that it's not always good to hold onto the past.
Alexis: Speak for yourself, I look super cute.
David: Okay, that's not actually your body though.
Alexis: Um, okay, but it's my face, David.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, let's go.
David: There's something really weird happening with mom's eyes. It's like they're following me.
Moira: Oh, they are.
David: Oh God.


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