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‘Friends & Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Schitt's Creek: Friends & Family

312. Friends & Family

Aired March 28, 2017

David and Patrick prepare for the launch of Rose Apothecary. Meanwhile, Alexis is nervous to find out whether she passed high school, and Moira surprises Johnny with a large family portrait that used to adorn their great hall.

Quote from David

David: I was thinking what if we did like a soft launch. Um, and you know, just test the store out on a small group of people. Did like an exclusive VIP guest list, and offered, you know, a friends and family discount as incentive.
Patrick: Huh, now it's sounding like you don't think people will show.
David: No, I do. I do think, um, that people will come. It's just, you know, I look to like Gwyneth who soft-launched the goop newsletter and now it's a thriving lifestyle publication slash empire, and...
Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about, but it's up to you.

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Quote from David

Jocelyn: Um, David, I need to ask ya a little question about this baggy of Joshua tree tea?
David: Sure.
Jocelyn: Is it drugs?
David: Uh, no. It's loose leaf tea.
Jocelyn: Okay. Because it smells exactly like...
Roland: Oh, come on. Oh, wow. Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.
David: It's not a front. That is a tea that Mr. Hockley makes out of a greenhouse on his farm. And now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double check.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Wow.
Johnny: David did all this?
Moira: I can't believe it. He's managed to create, in this town, something truly winsome. I would shop here, John. Even without a nagging sense of obligation.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, I love it. Let's get this inside. David.
David: Huh? What?
Roland: 20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in.
Johnny: Oh, yeah. David.
David: What?!
Roland: 30 bucks and I'll help you in with it.
Johnny: Mm, right. David!
David: I don't know what! What? What? What? What do you want?
Roland: 40 bucks and I'll help you in with it. I can keep going up. Can play this game all day, pal.

Quote from Johnny

David: Okay, well, this is gonna be the opposite of that. We're inviting a select group of VIPs, and offering a 25% friends and family discount.
Moira: Well, that sounds meek.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right.
David: Well, that's what we're doing.
Johnny: Well, what if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50% discount?
David: Why would you wanna spend less money at my store?

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, we are happy to support this modest little vigil you're hosting but to hand out discounts before the store has even birthed, it sounds a tad defeatist. I hope you don't mind if I keep this information to myself.
David: I don't want you to share the news. The smaller the better.
Moira: Oh, rarely has that been a recipe for success.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, I had an idea about what to do with the portrait.
Moira: Oh, it's still there, waiting for us. Isn't it?
Johnny: I was thinking, to save space, we could cut our faces out and make four smaller, individual portraits.
Moira: We could here's another thought. We bid it farewell.
Johnny: Are you kidding?
Moira: It doesn't fit, John. And I don't just mean literally. We aren't those people anymore. We are, but we aren't.

Quote from David

Man: Hey, back of the line, bro!
Woman: Hey, no cutting!
David: 'Scuse me, this is my store. Who are you?
Woman: I'm Darleen's cousin. Who the fuck are you?
David: My God. Uh, that kind of language, folks, will not be tolerated at Rose Apothecary. Thank you. This is a safe place.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: [inhaling whistle] Should've ordered more food and wine. Well, looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit, huh.
David: But it's not supposed to be firm.
Patrick: Well, with this many people it's definitely at least semi-firm.
David: Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't get hard. And that's something- That's what I just said to you, so...

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Is everything okay? You usually take down the messages, even if you forget to give them to me.
Alexis: It's just that my grades are being posted today so I'm just kind of avoiding the computer.
Ted: Oh. Oh, oh, okay. Well, that's not really an option, so how about I'll just look for you.
Alexis: No, it's okay, I can do it. It's just that if I fail I may need the afternoon off.
Ted: Also not an option, but I will be here for you if it's bad news.

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