Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘New Car’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Schitt's Creek: New Car

303. New Car

Aired January 24, 2017

Johnny and Moira try to look like they don't have any money when they visit a car dealership to buy a new set of wheels. Meanwhile, David helps Stevie deal with the death of her aunt, and Alexis wonders why Ted is being cagey about a black-eye.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [in a Cockney accent] The truth is that, um, we've- We've struggled with penury for quite some time now. Well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.
Car Salesman: Where are you two from?
Johnny: You know, I've been wondering that myself.
Moira: I'm from London. I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters. Mmm-hmm. They looked at my fair skin, and my dazzling eyes, and they said, "We'll make a pretty penny on that one, on the 'uman black market, we will."
Car Salesman: And what about the twin?
Moira: What's that, love?
Car Salesman: Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable.
Johnny: Yes, wouldn't you?
Moira: She wasn't born yet. Yep, she wasn't born 'til three minutes later. And the Bratva work very quickly.

Rate

Quote from Moira

Car Salesman: Hey folks, how we doin' today?
Moira: [in a mock Cockney accent] Oh, excited beyond compare! Yes, especially with this being our first ever purchase of an automobile.
Johnny: Yes, it's our first car, let's hope we can afford it.
Moira: Yes, my poor 'usband, lost his job recently as a tennis pro. Yes, at a public resort, that is, yeah.
Car Salesman: Well, let's get you folks settled inside, we'll see what we can do.
Moira: Oh, thank you. It'll be nice to get off the streets, and be indoors for a change, yeah?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Now, I'm not staying long, I just came by to borrow some clothes.
Roland: Ah, okay. Honey, why don't you check your closet, and see if you got anything that Johnny can fit into.
Johnny: Look, Moira and I are going to a used car lot today, and I just need to appear more, um...
Roland: Official?
Johnny: Casual. Casual. You see, I've got a closet full of suits, but, uh, I don't wanna be taken advantage of because I'm overdressed, I need to look like I don't have money.
Jocelyn: But you don't have any money.
Johnny: Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John, look. It's our car!
Johnny: Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see.
Moira: No, before David was born. We bought a car just like this, don't you remember?
Johnny: Well, I don't remember the "Everything Be Irie" bumper sticker.
Moira: Oh no, it's perfect. Hello!
Johnny: Moira, this car is $3,000 more than our budget.
Moira: I'm a trained actor. A humble back story will disabuse this man of any notion we're too patrician.
Johnny: Well, okay, but let's start by losing words like "patrician."

Quote from David

Moira: Well, fault my over-zealousness, but I think I can- We can find a zippy little vintage something on budget.
David: Not dressed like that, you can't.
Moira: You bought me this dress, David.
David: I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy. No used car salesman is gonna cut you a deal dressed in archival designer silk.
Johnny: You know, he's got a point there, honey.
David: Yeah, says the moving target in the bespoke suit.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Thank you, Moira. And it would've been a lot less, if your mother hadn't talked them back up!
Moira: You can't put a price on dignity.
David: Uh, tell that to your outfit.
Moira: This is your outfit.
David: What?!

Quote from Stevie

David: Um, well, first, I'd like to apologize for everything I've said since coming in here today.
Stevie: Why, you didn't kill her.
David: I take it you weren't very close.
Stevie: I actually really liked her. I mean, she was a mess, but I liked her. That's probably why I liked her.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, really don't have to go with me, Moira.
Moira: Oh, I insist. This is a big decision, and there's no reason it should rest solely on your shoulders, dear.
Johnny: You know, I actually like buying cars.
Moira: And you're very good at it. But, sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs, and more suited to a pony-tailed Lothario, cruising the Monte Carlo coast.
David: Or like, um, Vin Diesel.
Johnny: It's called style, people.
Moira: And you're brimming with it, darling.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are these sad print-outs?
Johnny: They're for a proposal I plan on making to the family.
Moira: And what kind of proposal is this, Mr. Rose?
Alexis: Are the police auctioning off crime scene vehicles?
Johnny: No, these are only examples, uh, for the proposal.

Quote from David

Johnny: I think it's time we invest in a car.
Moira: I don't really see myself driving any of these.
Johnny: Now, these are just examples.
David: Yeah, I would rather drive a scooter. And we all know how I feel about scooters, those stupid helmets.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode