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‘New Car’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Schitt's Creek: New Car

303. New Car

Aired January 24, 2017

Johnny and Moira try to look like they don't have any money when they visit a car dealership to buy a new set of wheels. Meanwhile, David helps Stevie deal with the death of her aunt, and Alexis wonders why Ted is being cagey about a black-eye.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [in a Cockney accent] The truth is that, um, we've- We've struggled with penury for quite some time now. Well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.
Car Salesman: Where are you two from?
Johnny: You know, I've been wondering that myself.
Moira: I'm from London. I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters. Mmm-hmm. They looked at my fair skin, and my dazzling eyes, and they said, "We'll make a pretty penny on that one, on the 'uman black market, we will."
Car Salesman: And what about the twin?
Moira: What's that, love?
Car Salesman: Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable.
Johnny: Yes, wouldn't you?
Moira: She wasn't born yet. Yep, she wasn't born 'til three minutes later. And the Bratva work very quickly.

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Quote from Moira

Car Salesman: Hey folks, how we doin' today?
Moira: [in a mock Cockney accent] Oh, excited beyond compare! Yes, especially with this being our first ever purchase of an automobile.
Johnny: Yes, it's our first car, let's hope we can afford it.
Moira: Yes, my poor 'usband, lost his job recently as a tennis pro. Yes, at a public resort, that is, yeah.
Car Salesman: Well, let's get you folks settled inside, we'll see what we can do.
Moira: Oh, thank you. It'll be nice to get off the streets, and be indoors for a change, yeah?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Now, I'm not staying long, I just came by to borrow some clothes.
Roland: Ah, okay. Honey, why don't you check your closet, and see if you got anything that Johnny can fit into.
Johnny: Look, Moira and I are going to a used car lot today, and I just need to appear more, um...
Roland: Official?
Johnny: Casual. Casual. You see, I've got a closet full of suits, but, uh, I don't wanna be taken advantage of because I'm overdressed, I need to look like I don't have money.
Jocelyn: But you don't have any money.
Johnny: Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John, look. It's our car!
Johnny: Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see.
Moira: No, before David was born. We bought a car just like this, don't you remember?
Johnny: Well, I don't remember the "Everything Be Irie" bumper sticker.
Moira: Oh no, it's perfect. Hello!
Johnny: Moira, this car is $3,000 more than our budget.
Moira: I'm a trained actor. A humble back story will disabuse this man of any notion we're too patrician.
Johnny: Well, okay, but let's start by losing words like "patrician."

Quote from David

Moira: Well, fault my over-zealousness, but I think I can- We can find a zippy little vintage something on budget.
David: Not dressed like that, you can't.
Moira: You bought me this dress, David.
David: I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy. No used car salesman is gonna cut you a deal dressed in archival designer silk.
Johnny: You know, he's got a point there, honey.
David: Yeah, says the moving target in the bespoke suit.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Thank you, Moira. And it would've been a lot less, if your mother hadn't talked them back up!
Moira: You can't put a price on dignity.
David: Uh, tell that to your outfit.
Moira: This is your outfit.
David: What?!

Quote from Stevie

David: Um, well, first, I'd like to apologize for everything I've said since coming in here today.
Stevie: Why, you didn't kill her.
David: I take it you weren't very close.
Stevie: I actually really liked her. I mean, she was a mess, but I liked her. That's probably why I liked her.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, really don't have to go with me, Moira.
Moira: Oh, I insist. This is a big decision, and there's no reason it should rest solely on your shoulders, dear.
Johnny: You know, I actually like buying cars.
Moira: And you're very good at it. But, sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs, and more suited to a pony-tailed Lothario, cruising the Monte Carlo coast.
David: Or like, um, Vin Diesel.
Johnny: It's called style, people.
Moira: And you're brimming with it, darling.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are these sad print-outs?
Johnny: They're for a proposal I plan on making to the family.
Moira: And what kind of proposal is this, Mr. Rose?
Alexis: Are the police auctioning off crime scene vehicles?
Johnny: No, these are only examples, uh, for the proposal.

Quote from David

Johnny: I think it's time we invest in a car.
Moira: I don't really see myself driving any of these.
Johnny: Now, these are just examples.
David: Yeah, I would rather drive a scooter. And we all know how I feel about scooters, those stupid helmets.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: All right, let's forget the print-outs. All right? I just think we could use a car. Everyone has a car! Roland has a car, Bob has three cars. Stevie has a car. I want a car!
Moira: Does this site have boats?

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, I'm not just gonna be wearing a suit today, David. I've got a ball cap I can put on.
David: Oh!
Moira: David's right. But you know what? I could build an appropriate look to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman.
Johnny: And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks.
David: Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement. I wouldn't be surprised if they just gave you the car.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Oh, my God, what happened? Did you get in a bar fight?
Ted: Uh, you know, I'd actually prefer not to talk about it.
Alexis: Okay.
Ted: Just for the sake of maintaining some professional boundaries.
Alexis: Yeah, okay, totally. You owe someone money?
Ted: Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

Quote from David

David: So the low energy bulbs you installed in the bathroom, I'm finding the light to be very harsh, and, um... Did someone die, or are we going through like, a mid-life Goth phase?
Stevie: Someone died.
David: Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundice-y.
Stevie: My great aunt died.
David: Okay, I can't tell if we're still joking or not?
Stevie: I'm not.
David: Okay, and now I can't tell whether you're playing into the joke, or whether, um... You're telling the truth?
Stevie: She was 78.
David: So you're not joking. Okay.

Quote from David

Stevie: Anyways, it turns out I'm one of the few who did, because all of the arrangements have fallen to me!
David: Oh. Um, well if you need hel... [clears throat]
Stevie: I'd like you to finish that sentence.
David: Oh! Um, I am happy to help you in this time of need.
Stevie: Thank you, as much as I appreciate your reluctant offer, I don't think you could handle it. This whole thing is super depressing.
David: Okay, I think will be fine. So I am happy to help. That is what um, friends say to each other, right?
Stevie: Yes, it is.
David: Okay. Um, so I'm just gonna change into my funeral blacks. And um, and meet you back here, then.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Hi, Johnny.
Johnny: Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Would you like to join us for a game of cribbage? We play every day at lunch.
Roland: That's right, and Fridays, it's strip crib.
Johnny: Well, thank God it's not Friday.
Roland: Well, we can pretend.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh... Oh, okay. Here's what I'm hearing you say, what you're saying is you wanna dress like me, because I look like I don't have any money!
Johnny: I think I misspoke.
Roland: Well, that's what I heard out of both ears, one of them works pretty well.
Johnny: I mean, anything that looks, um, hip. I need something hip. Hipper than these suits.
Roland: Hip!
Johnny: Oh jeez, yeah!
Roland: Now you're speaking my language! [laughs] Hip we can do! What do you want, uh, PVC, or a Hawaiian shirt?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What?
Moira: Well, if I squint, I feel like I'm seeing your rough and rugged country cousin.
Johnny: Oh, and you feel confident you've hit the target with this?!
Moira: I apprenticed costume design under Stan LaCoulier. I'm sure he'd agree this toggery is the perfect tribute to the common woman.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got head-butted by her goat.
Alexis: Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops..?
Ted: No! Uh, I was head-butted by an actual goat. And as a vet, that's not something that I want getting out, so please don't be thinking that this is something that it isn't.

Quote from David

Stevie: This is gonna be me.
David: Well, theoretically, it's gonna be all of us. Um, although I'm hoping that when I pass, there'll be a little more fanfare.

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