David: Well, this quiche is a treat. I didn't know you'd gotten into prepared foods?
Heather: I haven't. I just made this for lunch.
Ted: But if you've ever had her quiche, you can definitely say that it is eggs-cellent.
Alexis: Ted.

David: So then, um, are you gonna talk to Alexis about this?
Ted: Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there again. I mean, David, I spent two weeks in Mexico, alone, on our honeymoon, just trying to get my life back on track.
David: Yeah, that sounds very dark.
Ted: You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head?
David: Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um, but I'm sure like a lot... A lot...
Ted: A lot of tours, David.

Alexis: Knock, knock.
Ted: Hey! Come in!
Alexis: Smells so good in here! Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf!
Ted: I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Ted: Knock, knock. Any room left at the inn?

Ted: And, in that spirit, I should probably tell you that I didn't actually keep everything that you gave me.
Alexis: That's fine.
Ted: Yeah, after the breakup, I uh well, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator, along with some pets that needed to be cremated.
Alexis: Ew.
Ted: And you think you feel bad? The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so...
Alexis: Okay well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

Ted: Yeah, it's actually kinda funny, because I was just going through my phone, you know, to make some space, and then I came across this little back and forth from a while ago.
Alexis: I believe you, Ted. You're still Dr. Casanova to me.
Ted: Okay, well, the tone of your voice makes it seem like you don't believe a word you're saying.
Alexis: Okay, Ted! [clears throat] "Dear Melanie." Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?
Ted: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Alexis: Ahem. "I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I really fal-awful saying this over text, but I'm just not feeling strongly enough to take this to the next level. I'm sorry."
Ted: Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.
Alexis: And then, um, she wrote-
Ted: Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
Alexis: "Cool!" Exclamation mark. And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her?
Ted: [sighs] Well, she seemed really upset.

Alexis: Yay! God, what are you doing here?
Ted: Hey, sweetie. You were right, we deserve a night out. So, I just pushed all my morning appointments. Which will be fine, I guess, it just means that I'll be staying up 'til 1:00 A.M. on a Saturday, spaying with a pretty shaky hand.
Alexis: What can I get you to drink?
Ted: Oh no, don't worry about that. After you used all of my booze for your punch, the only alcohol left in my fridge was a few of your rum, raspberry, coconut coolers. So I just polished them off, and it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.

Alexis: Oh, um, I almost forgot, I never signed for that parcel.
Ted: Uh, I don't think the guy showed up?
Alexis: No, Ted...
Ted: Oh uh oh, yeah I I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.
Alexis: Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.
Ted: I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm, let's go. Let's go find your scanner thing.
Ted: Can I just request we actually drop the scanner thing bit just 'cause it's kinda throwing me off.

David: And you were here for this?
Ted: Um, no...
Alexis: Well, you were here for part of it.
Ted: Right. But I got here late my grandmother passed away.
David: Oh God!
Ted: A few years ago. And it just been real tough to get over.

Alexis: Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?
Ted: Because I applied before we got back together, and it takes a couple years to process the applications.
Alexis: A couple years? It sounds important.
Ted: Well, listen, it's not not important. But I can, I can always apply again. You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years.
Alexis: You love old tortoises! It sounds like a dream.