Ted: Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.
Alexis: Excuse me?
Ted: Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly. Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little backed up.
Alexis: That's a lot of information.
Ted: I'm- I'm- I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

Ted: You know, I have to say that I'm impressed. It's not everyone who can tell an old woman that her cat is dead, and set up a love connection, and sell our most expensive marble urn in the same three-minute conversation.

Heather: So how is it you know each other?
Ted: Um, well... Uh, well, Alexis and I worked together. She used to be my receptionist.
Heather: That's how I know your voice. You answered the phones at the vet's clinic.
Alexis: Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but... Oh, and Ted is the vet that you said you were dating.
Heather: Yes.
Alexis: Okay, because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, a War Vet.
Ted: Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

Ted: I want to say, that I got you a little something for passing your exams.
Alexis: Oh. Oh, Ted! You picked up a stick.
Ted: Uh, no, it's a it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.
Alexis: Wasn't that was sneaky of you. I will definitely try to use this. It looks very delicate.
Ted: Yeah, it's a lot more expensive than I thought, too. I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.

Alexis: I just really want my family to like you.
Ted: They don't like me?
Alexis: No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness, they take advantage of nice.
Ted: No, nice does not always mean weak, it's-
Alexis: Okay, so get mad, then. Say something super mean.
Ted: What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.
Alexis: Okay well, consider it a kind of role play then, and just let it out.
Ted: I- I don't know. I find your brother can be a little pretentious sometimes.
Alexis: Yes, yes! He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

Alexis: This is good, keep going.
Ted: Well, and your mother seems to be a little uninformed at times.
Alexis: She's uninformed most of the time. This is great, this is really good. Keep going!
Ted: Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job- [Alexis shakes her finger at Ted] Too far?
Alexis: Mm-hmm. It's too far, okay.

Alexis: Tell me it's not always this clean in here.
Ted: No, it's- It's always this clean.
Alexis: Oh, it smells so fresh.
Ted: Uh, that's the Febreeze. I was I was eating Indian last night, so...

Ted: So, I'm sorry if, earlier, I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues. And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.
Alexis: Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that there'd be slutty little animals running around.
Ted: And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Ted: So, to get you more comfortable around animals-
Alexis: Not a puppy, Ted.
Ted: No, that would be cruel to the puppy. No, I got you this.
Alexis: "Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself." It's a very specific book.
Ted: You might wanna check out page 37.
Alexis: Is it a credit card?
Ted: No. It's a room key. To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.
Alexis: Well, it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag.

David: Wow, Ted, the place is very new looking. Did you design the interior?
Ted: Oh, I wish! No, I found this website online that sells off old department store show rooms.
Stevie: So this whole room-
Ted: Just gets delivered, as is. This is the Bachelor's Den here, and then that's the Executive Dining Lounge that I got on Black Friday.