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34Quotes from ‘Allez-Vous’

Schitt's Creek: Allez-Vous

108. Allez-Vous

Aired February 24, 2015

Moira and David attempt to sell the townspeople luxury cosmetics. Meanwhile, Johnny needs a ride to the unemployment centre, and Alexis wishes Ted wasn't always so generous and nice.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I owe you big.
Roland: Well, um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function.
Johnny: Marlon Brando.
Roland: Yes, but from what movie?
Johnny: The Godfather.
Roland: No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy.
Johnny: The Godfather!
Roland: Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

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Quote from Moira

Moira: It's for me! Thinking of you! "Dear M., hope this helps, I only wish I could do more, xoxo, J.S.P." Justine St. Pierre! David, one of my dear friends is finally reaching out, and you know what, I knew it would be Justine. She can be an angry drunk, but we were always close.
David: "Congratulations on your Allez Vous Starter Kit."
Moira: That frigid whore!
David: What's Allez Vous?
Moira: It's a scam, it's her stupid cosmetics company! It's a pyramid scheme for desperate housewives and struggling actors!

Quote from Moira

Justine St. Pierre: [on video] Bonjour! Now that you've opened your Allez Vous starter kit, let's begin with those essential tips and tricks you'll need to make up to 600,000 dollars a year. That's 50,000 a month/ That's 7,000 dollars a week.
Moira: No, it isn't! She didn't finish high school.

Quote from Moira

David: Well, how much can we make from this?
Moira: David, it's an insult, we're sending it back.
David: Well, apparently you can win an Audi.
Moira: What colour?
David: A Champagne Audi, look at that.
Moira: As if you could ever sell enough of this crap to get a car.
David: Well, Kristi Stubbs and her team out of Montreal have sold enough to get the car, so don't believe everything you read, dear, please.
Moira: Burn it! Except this mascara.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: So Ray can't lend me his car today, because he has to drive his 92-year-old mother somewhere. Where does a 92-year-old woman need to go?!
Moira: I don't know, John, perhaps the hospital?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Yeah, well, it's just I needed that car to get to my appointment today.
Moira: What appointment?
Johnny: Well, you know, the, uh, thing that I had, I had a thing that I-
Moira: What thing?
Johnny: An unemployment thing, okay? To get unemployment insurance, I have the meeting this afternoon, and now I have to grovel to Roland, to get his truck, in order to get to Elmdale, to get this money.
Moira: Well, I think you're brave. And while I didn't see us living off of food stamps, I think there is something very masculine about the way you're taking control of this situation.
Johnny: Sweetheart, I'm about to beg for a truck, in order to beg for money, I think you've gotta raise that masculinity bar just just a little.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hi!
Roland: Can't hear you.
Johnny: Hey, turn the motor off!
Roland: I can't hear you, the motor's on!
Johnny: Turn the motor off! Turn the motor off, you [motor stops] dumb son of a-
Roland: Well, what can I do for you, you "dumb son of a"?

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: He always has been. I feel bad thinking about all those times I pinned him against a locker.
Alexis: You pinned somebody against a locker?!
Mutt: Well, I was a different person then, a lot changed since after high school.
Alexis: So what did he do to make you such a teenage cliche?
Mutt: He always said hi when he passed me in the halls, and for some reason, it bugged me.
Alexis: Yeah, I can see that.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: So he's bugging you.
Alexis: What? No! Oh, my God, no!
Mutt: Oh yes.
Alexis: No, I'm just saying, generally speaking, when you order breakfast and they give you the wrong order, send it back and get the right order.
Mutt: I never return food, I think that's so rude.

Quote from Roland

Roland: So, where in Elmdale am I taking you?
Johnny: Oh, just the general downtown area will be fine.
Roland: Okay, don't wanna tell me where we're going, interesting.
Johnny: It's, uh, just just a business meeting, just I've gotta meet a guy.
Roland: Uh huh. What guy?
Johnny: A financial guy. It's a financial matter.
Roland: Well, Johnny, it's gonna be awfully hard for me to get you to this meeting if I don't know where we're going. I mean, why is this such a big secret?
Johnny: It's not a big secret. It's not a big secret, Roland. And you're only doing 25, if we could pick it up a little.
Roland: Oh, my God, now you're in such a hurry. What's the big rush here? I don't get that, either.
Johnny: The office closes at four o'clock, that's all.
Roland: What office are you talking about?
Johnny: The financial guy that I'm seeing, his office.
Roland: What financial guy?
Johnny: The guy I'm doing business with, I told you.
Roland: Where are we going?!
Johnny: The unemployment office! Okay? I'm applying for unemployment.
Roland: Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, good afternoon. Everyone have a full glass, I hope? We've wanted to have you all here for ages, you've all so graciously welcomed us into your heavenly hamlet. Now, if you'll be so good as to follow me, David is setting out some hors d'oeuvres in our adjoining suite.

Quote from Alexis

David: I was just so excited about Allez Vous' exclusive anti-aging formula, and rejuvenation serums. Alexis, you'd like this product. It's all about aging, and dry skin.
Alexis: Oh, my God, ew, David!

Quote from Johnny

Marnie: And your reason for being out of work?
Johnny: I sold my business, and I got screwed by my business manager.
Marnie: Did you pay into unemployment insurance?
Johnny: I don't know, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. It never came across my desk. I uh-
Moira: We can't give you money unless you contributed to the program.
Johnny: I don't think you're understanding, I employed people, hundreds of people. You see, and now I'm unemployed.
Marnie: But that doesn't mean you qualify for unemployment.
Johnny: I lost my job!
Marnie: You lost your business.
Johnny: Okay, let me walk you through this. You see, I need money to get back on my feet so I can employ more people, that might actually end up saving you money in the long run now, am I the only one who understands how an economy works around here?!

Quote from Stevie

Jocelyn: Moira, honey, that champagne Audi is really hard to get.
Moira: Excuse me?
Jocelyn: Take it from me, Roland and I have been Allez Vous reps for two years, and we're still driving that old truck.
Moira: Sorry, you're- You're an Allez Vous consultant?
Jocelyn: I'm actually an executive area manager.
Ronnie: I'm a district manager.
Twyla: I'm an executive district manager.
Stevie: I gave up.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: The Allez Vous craze hit the town a couple years ago, and you should've seen us. In two weeks we had sold everything to the other half of town, and vice versa.
Alexis: That's- That's funny.
Jocelyn: It became a bit incestuous, yeah, very small sales pool. It became literally impossible to climb the ladder. Anywho, good luck.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: I just really want my family to like you.
Ted: They don't like me?
Alexis: No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness, they take advantage of nice.
Ted: No, nice does not always mean weak, it's-
Alexis: Okay, so get mad, then. Say something super mean.
Ted: What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.
Alexis: Okay well, consider it a kind of role play then, and just let it out.
Ted: I- I don't know. I find your brother can be a little pretentious sometimes.
Alexis: Yes, yes! He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: This is good, keep going.
Ted: Well, and your mother seems to be a little uninformed at times.
Alexis: She's uninformed most of the time. This is great, this is really good. Keep going!
Ted: Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job- [Alexis shakes her finger at Ted] Too far?
Alexis: Mm-hmm. It's too far, okay.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Okay, well, let's get 'er hooked up, get you back to the garage, and we'll start on the paperwork.
Johnny: What paperwork?
Bob: It's all filled in, you just have to sign it, and, uh, she's all yours.
Johnny: I'm not buying this car.
Bob: You change your mind?
Johnny: It broke. Twice! It's a broken car!
Bob: We'll play a little hardball, okay. I'll knock twenty bucks off.
Johnny: You couldn't get twenty bucks for scrap.
Bob: Oh, all right, thirty bucks.
Johnny: How about zero bucks?! I wouldn't give you a dime for this!
Bob: Johnny, you're killing me here. Fifty bucks.
Johnny: Oh, you know what, Bob, I'm walking. I'm walking.
Bob: I'll throw in a couple of floor mats, but that's my final offer.
Johnny: Walking!


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