Rachel: I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's like the oldest trick in the book. Texting a bunch of letters and saying your phone was unlocked in your purse.
Alexis: Right? I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

Roland: Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master. Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got "License to Grill", I've got "Working Grill", oh and I have "Grills Just Wanna Have Fun".

Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. Okay? And I mean it when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about. 'Cause no matter how hard I tried with her, it just never felt right. And up until recently, I didn't understand why. David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right, David.
David: That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um, outside of the "Downton Christmas Special".
Patrick: It's the truth.

Patrick: You have nothing to worry about, David, and I can return these tickets to the Julia Stiles-a-thon at the drive-in tonight.
David: Let me see those.
Patrick: I agree, that might have been a little overboard.
David: Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.

David: Okay, well the cookie was almost too much. Figuratively speaking. I ate half of it on the way here. Bottom line, I just don't think we need to celebrate as much. You know, we could just go day-to-day like normal people. If we throw a- If we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.
Patrick: We are not tempting fate, okay? I can't speak to your past, but I think you might have an easier time of it, and maybe a little bit more fun, if you just learn to trust people.
David: The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

Johnny: Looking good, Roland! What time do you wanna fire this baby up?
Roland: Uh, I dunno, probably about an hour before you wanna eat.
Johnny: Oh, well I was hoping to eat around 8.
Roland: Where are we, Barcelona? [laughs]

David: When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans?
Patrick: You did that for me?
David: No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

Patrick: Okay um, we got together when we were in high school, and we've been on and off ever since. I don't know we always just sorta fell back into it. Anyway, she's been reaching out and expecting us to get back together for the past few months.
David: Whoa. Over the past few months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people.
Patrick: I know.
David: When I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I'm used to. It is my comfort zone. But next thing I know, there's an oversized cookie on my doorstep, and you are telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

Patrick: You know um, this wasn't actually the first time that I've been put to work by the Rose family. My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video.
Johnny: Get outta town! What branch?
Patrick: 785.
Johnny: 785. Impressive late fees.
Patrick: Thank you.

Moira: David, could you just once embrace joy?
David: Okay.
Moira: Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to-
Johnny: Fall apart.
Moira: Oxidize.
Johnny: Oxidize.