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42Quotes from ‘The Barbecue’

Schitt's Creek: The Barbecue

407. The Barbecue

Aired March 6, 2018

After Patrick surprises David with a giant cookie on their four month anniversary, David's family want to celebrate his important relationship. Meanwhile, Alexis receives a text message from Ted.

Quote from Alexis

Rachel: I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's like the oldest trick in the book. Texting a bunch of letters and saying your phone was unlocked in your purse.
Alexis: Right? I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master. Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got "License to Grill", I've got "Working Grill", oh and I have "Grills Just Wanna Have Fun".

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. Okay? And I mean it when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about. 'Cause no matter how hard I tried with her, it just never felt right. And up until recently, I didn't understand why. David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right, David.
David: That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um, outside of the "Downton Christmas Special".
Patrick: It's the truth.

Quote from David

Patrick: You have nothing to worry about, David, and I can return these tickets to the Julia Stiles-a-thon at the drive-in tonight.
David: Let me see those.
Patrick: I agree, that might have been a little overboard.
David: Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.

Quote from David

David: Okay, well the cookie was almost too much. Figuratively speaking. I ate half of it on the way here. Bottom line, I just don't think we need to celebrate as much. You know, we could just go day-to-day like normal people. If we throw a- If we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.
Patrick: We are not tempting fate, okay? I can't speak to your past, but I think you might have an easier time of it, and maybe a little bit more fun, if you just learn to trust people.
David: The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

Quote from David

David: When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans?
Patrick: You did that for me?
David: No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Looking good, Roland! What time do you wanna fire this baby up?
Roland: Uh, I dunno, probably about an hour before you wanna eat.
Johnny: Oh, well I was hoping to eat around 8.
Roland: Where are we, Barcelona? [laughs]

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know um, this wasn't actually the first time that I've been put to work by the Rose family. My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video.
Johnny: Get outta town! What branch?
Patrick: 785.
Johnny: 785. Impressive late fees.
Patrick: Thank you.

Quote from Moira

David: Why would Patrick do that?
Moira: That was my first thought. Celebrating a monthly anniversary seems a bit of a reach. But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had!
Alexis: Four whole months, David.
Johnny: How 'bout that?
David: Okay, this is not the longest relationship I've ever had. I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years.
Alexis: She was your pen pal, David.
Moira: She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, this calls for a celebration. Now, Roland just found a barbecue in the shed, so, I say you invite Patrick over, we fire it up, and have a good old fashioned Rose family barbecue.
Alexis: Yes, David.
Stevie: I mean, we already have dessert. I mean, this would feed at least 10 people.
David: Okay, first of all, no one's sharing the cookie. And second of all, Patrick is not being invited to a barbecue.
Alexis: Is he pulling back?
David: No!
Alexis: Has he asked you about an open relationship?
David: Not yet. Anyway, everything is fine, which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.
Stevie: Carnies are people too.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, could you just once embrace joy?
David: Okay.
Moira: Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to-
Johnny: Fall apart.
Moira: Oxidize.
Johnny: Oxidize.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You know, Roland, when you said you found a grill, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Roland: What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana? [laughs]

Quote from Roland

Johnny: It's gonna take more than a license to grill to get this thing back to life.
Roland: Okay look, um, I can smell your fear, okay? So why don't you go grab the meat and the briquettes, and I'll get this bad boy up and running for ya?
Johnny: Okay well, thank you, Roland. And just so you're aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill. I've watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day.
Roland: I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill. [laughs] I'll get it made up.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, blame me.
David: Oh, I do.
Moira: Patrick was about to slip away with the signatures when I corralled him into a little lunchtime chin wag.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, you can't blame us for being excited. Your father and I, we weren't involved in your past relationships, and from what I understand, it was one bungle after another. I'm not saying there's a connection.
David: There's no connection, it's just a long string of very bad luck, and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life, to deserve it. I must've been Dracula, or a spin instructor.
Moira: And what if we could finally tie a sailor's knot in that string of bad luck? Because after spending 5 minutes alone with sweet Pat...
David: We're not doing Pat.
Moira: He sees you. For all that you are.
David: Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...
Moira: Oh, David, you have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past, and stand firmly in the present. Let us celebrate that.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, should I save him?
Moira: Oh, they'll be fine. Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight of our two strapping men bonding over an open flame.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video?
Moira: Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating.
David: Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship.
Stevie: Oh, can I though?
David: No.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, I-I need to explain a couple of things.
David: Um, what would be the main one, do you think?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged, but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you know what, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think- I think that I do.
David: No, I know you do, that's just what I'm supposed to be saying in the moment, so, please continue.

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay um, we got together when we were in high school, and we've been on and off ever since. I don't know we always just sorta fell back into it. Anyway, she's been reaching out and expecting us to get back together for the past few months.
David: Whoa. Over the past few months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people.
Patrick: I know.
David: When I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I'm used to. It is my comfort zone. But next thing I know, there's an oversized cookie on my doorstep, and you are telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

Quote from David

David: I know, um, it's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods, and this has really messed things up for me. And I think I need some time with it.
Patrick: All right.
David: Actually, um, I haven't had dinner yet, so...
Patrick: I'll grab ya a slider.
David: More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.
Patrick: Okay. [emotionally] Okay.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, how long do you think before I can go in there?
Johnny: Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders. I'm assuming he'll be falling asleep soon.
Moira: My poor baby. I told him he was out of the quicksand, but he's not, John, he's sinking. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, don't get me wrong, I feel super bad, and partially responsible because I invited Rachel to the barbecue, but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.
Johnny: Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis.
Alexis: Ugh! [knocks] David! David! [David turns the TV up]

Quote from David

Alexis: Morning, David.
David: Ew. What are you all doing here?
Johnny: We have a surprise for you.
David: Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.

Quote from Patrick

David: Do you have any idea what you've done?
Patrick: I take it the cookie went over well?
David: I have told you for three months now, that I don't want a monthly anniversary gift. And I know you think it's very funny, but this time it went too far.
Patrick: It's a cookie, David, what's the big deal?
David: First of all, a cookie is always a big deal, especially when that cookie just alerted my entire family to the fact that this is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.
Patrick: This is the longest relationship you've ever had? Oh, I shoulda got you more than a cookie.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Now I gotta go to town hall to get some signatures for our permit renewal, but don't worry, David, unlike the birthday clown, I will be back.
David: He was never found.
Patrick: Probably dead.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey girl.
Stevie: Oh, you're talkin' to me?
Alexis: Yeah, who else would I be talking to? [to guest] No offence.
Stevie: What's up?
Alexis: Okay, so I wanted to get some advice, like girl-to-girl, 'cause you're always so good with boy stuff.
Stevie: So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to?
Alexis: What? That's... So I got this message from Ted, and I wanted to get someone's your- Your, specific opinion before I replied.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so this is what Ted sent this morning.
Stevie: I'm more of a bagel guy, winky face?
Alexis: Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in weeks.
Stevie: Okay, so it was an accident.
Alexis: Or, it was made to look like an accident.
Stevie: Okay.
Alexis: It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again.
Stevie: Who would do that?
Alexis: I've done that. Like a lot.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, okay so what do you think I should write back?
Rachel: Honestly I don't know anything about your relationship, but I do know that games only get you so far. Unless you wanna end up like me, 6 months later, tryin' to win him back for the 50th time.
Alexis: Mmhm. Having flashbacks of Zac Efron.
Rachel: Isn't it easier to just be direct? Either way, you get an answer.
Alexis: You're like super smart, and pretty in like a breezy, non-threatening sort of way.
Stevie: Another successful girl talk.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: No, there's no dials, no tanks, no side burners. I mean I wasn't expecting a built-in wine fridge, but this is nothing like what I'm used to cooking on.
Roland: [scoffs]
Johnny: What?
Roland: No, I'm sorry, I just had an image of you cooking.

Quote from Moira

David: Uh, hi.
Moira: David, someone's ears must be a-flame.

Quote from Moira

Patrick: Yes, which is how I found out about the barbecue that I was invited to, but didn't know about.
David: Hmm.
Patrick: Why didn't you tell me I was invited to the barbecue?
David: Well, they only wanted to have the barbecue after reading what was on your cookie.
Patrick: Yeah, sorry that still sounds pretty nice to me.
Moira: Thank you, Pat.

Quote from David

David: Fine. He can come.
Moira: Excellent. And he's bringing his guitar.
David: What?
Moira: Well, it was mostly his idea, you know, in case there's a rousing fireside sing-along?
David: No, I draw the line at sing-along.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Alexis, hey.
Alexis: Hey. I was in the neighbourhood, so I thought I'd just pop in and say hey. I was gonna send a text but, um, I thought it'd be better if I just came in.
Ted: I'm glad you did.
Alexis: I'm also glad I did.
Ted: It's good to see you.
Alexis: It's also good to see you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, well I just wanted to say hey, and I'm here, and I got your text.
Ted: What text?
Alexis: The text.
Ted: Did I send a text?
Alexis: Maybe no? Maybe you didn't. Did you? I'm not sure.
Ted: What, uh, what'd it say?
Alexis: Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it. Um, no, something about you being more of a bagel guy.
Ted: Oh, my God, did I send that to you?
Alexis: No, I don't think so.
Ted: Oh my gosh, I did.
Alexis: Did you, though?
Ted: I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be sent to you.
Alexis: Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands...
Ted: Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.
Alexis: Heather, yes. Yes. You and Heath and the bagels.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Uh no, I should get outta your hair. But it was good to see you, Mr. Bagel. [laughs] That's a you-and-Heather thing, but now that you texted me, it's kind of like an all-of-us thing. So, have a great afternoon today.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, Jocelyn and I have another one of those birthing rehearsals we gotta go to.
Johnny: I just bought $100 worth of sliders.
Roland: Geez, Johnny, thanks for rubbing it in when you know I can't come.
Johnny: You can't come? You didn't say you can't come! You were bragging about being a grill master.
Jocelyn: He really is. Did you tell him about the aprons?
Johnny: Yes he did! And I was counting on him to do the grilling!
Roland: You know Johnny, maybe you should consider calling off the barbecue.
Johnny: Well, I'm not calling it off! I just have to figure this thing out.
Roland: Right, cut to [explosion sound].
Johnny: Well, we're not cutting to [explosion sound].
Roland: Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! [laughs] Cut to, how does this thing work? [laughs]

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: See, this wasn't as hard as you thought it was.
Stevie: Mr. Rose, would you mind taking a few steps back?
Johnny: Oh, what you're gonna spray the briquettes again?
Stevie: Nope.

Quote from David

Moira: Okay, so what else is new? How's the shop?
David: Hmm, thriving.
Moira: Yes.
David: Which is shocking because as you may or may not know, I've struggled with group work in the past.
Moira: David, you are living an exciting new chapter in the book on tape of your life. And you, you did this all by yourself.
David: Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, so I took your advice, which in retrospect is weird considering we like literally just met.
Rachel: Fair enough.
Alexis: And? Turns out that text message wasn't for me after all.
Rachel: Oh.
Alexis: His girlfriend was at a bakery, hence the whole "I prefer bagels thing".
Rachel: Right. So that girlfriend detail woulda been pretty useful in the conversation we had earlier, but still, I'm sorry. Oh, I feel somewhat responsible.
Alexis: Yeah, I can see that. It's just weird because like, I'm always the one being chased.
Rachel: I assumed that, based on your face, and body.
Alexis: Right?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Okay, right, here. Perfect. Perfect. There ya go, we make a good team, Pat.
Moira: No, John, no, we're not doing Pat.
David: No we're not.

Quote from Patrick

Alexis: Everybody, this is my new friend Rachel, she's having a bit of a day.
Rachel: Patrick?
Patrick: Rachel, what are you doing here?
Rachel: What are you doing here? I've been texting you for 2 days.
Alexis: Wait, Patrick is your fiance?
David: Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiance?
Patrick: No, I- I mean I don't now. But yes, at some point I mean we we were...

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Who is she? I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.


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