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42Quotes from ‘The Barbecue’

Schitt's Creek: The Barbecue

407. The Barbecue

Aired March 6, 2018

After Patrick surprises David with a giant cookie on their four month anniversary, David's family want to celebrate his important relationship. Meanwhile, Alexis receives a text message from Ted.

Quote from Alexis

Rachel: I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's like the oldest trick in the book. Texting a bunch of letters and saying your phone was unlocked in your purse.
Alexis: Right? I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

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Quote from Roland

Roland: Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master. Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got "License to Grill", I've got "Working Grill", oh and I have "Grills Just Wanna Have Fun".

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I didn't want it to affect what we have. Okay? And I mean it when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about. 'Cause no matter how hard I tried with her, it just never felt right. And up until recently, I didn't understand why. David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right, David.
David: That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um, outside of the "Downton Christmas Special".
Patrick: It's the truth.

Quote from David

Patrick: You have nothing to worry about, David, and I can return these tickets to the Julia Stiles-a-thon at the drive-in tonight.
David: Let me see those.
Patrick: I agree, that might have been a little overboard.
David: Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.

Quote from David

David: Okay, well the cookie was almost too much. Figuratively speaking. I ate half of it on the way here. Bottom line, I just don't think we need to celebrate as much. You know, we could just go day-to-day like normal people. If we throw a- If we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.
Patrick: We are not tempting fate, okay? I can't speak to your past, but I think you might have an easier time of it, and maybe a little bit more fun, if you just learn to trust people.
David: The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

Quote from David

David: When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans?
Patrick: You did that for me?
David: No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Looking good, Roland! What time do you wanna fire this baby up?
Roland: Uh, I dunno, probably about an hour before you wanna eat.
Johnny: Oh, well I was hoping to eat around 8.
Roland: Where are we, Barcelona? [laughs]

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know um, this wasn't actually the first time that I've been put to work by the Rose family. My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video.
Johnny: Get outta town! What branch?
Patrick: 785.
Johnny: 785. Impressive late fees.
Patrick: Thank you.

Quote from Moira

David: Why would Patrick do that?
Moira: That was my first thought. Celebrating a monthly anniversary seems a bit of a reach. But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had!
Alexis: Four whole months, David.
Johnny: How 'bout that?
David: Okay, this is not the longest relationship I've ever had. I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years.
Alexis: She was your pen pal, David.
Moira: She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, this calls for a celebration. Now, Roland just found a barbecue in the shed, so, I say you invite Patrick over, we fire it up, and have a good old fashioned Rose family barbecue.
Alexis: Yes, David.
Stevie: I mean, we already have dessert. I mean, this would feed at least 10 people.
David: Okay, first of all, no one's sharing the cookie. And second of all, Patrick is not being invited to a barbecue.
Alexis: Is he pulling back?
David: No!
Alexis: Has he asked you about an open relationship?
David: Not yet. Anyway, everything is fine, which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.
Stevie: Carnies are people too.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, could you just once embrace joy?
David: Okay.
Moira: Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to-
Johnny: Fall apart.
Moira: Oxidize.
Johnny: Oxidize.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You know, Roland, when you said you found a grill, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Roland: What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana? [laughs]

Quote from Roland

Johnny: It's gonna take more than a license to grill to get this thing back to life.
Roland: Okay look, um, I can smell your fear, okay? So why don't you go grab the meat and the briquettes, and I'll get this bad boy up and running for ya?
Johnny: Okay well, thank you, Roland. And just so you're aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill. I've watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day.
Roland: I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill. [laughs] I'll get it made up.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, blame me.
David: Oh, I do.
Moira: Patrick was about to slip away with the signatures when I corralled him into a little lunchtime chin wag.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, you can't blame us for being excited. Your father and I, we weren't involved in your past relationships, and from what I understand, it was one bungle after another. I'm not saying there's a connection.
David: There's no connection, it's just a long string of very bad luck, and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life, to deserve it. I must've been Dracula, or a spin instructor.
Moira: And what if we could finally tie a sailor's knot in that string of bad luck? Because after spending 5 minutes alone with sweet Pat...
David: We're not doing Pat.
Moira: He sees you. For all that you are.
David: Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...
Moira: Oh, David, you have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past, and stand firmly in the present. Let us celebrate that.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, should I save him?
Moira: Oh, they'll be fine. Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight of our two strapping men bonding over an open flame.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video?
Moira: Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating.
David: Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship.
Stevie: Oh, can I though?
David: No.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, I-I need to explain a couple of things.
David: Um, what would be the main one, do you think?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged, but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you know what, you don't need to explain yourself.
Patrick: I think- I think that I do.
David: No, I know you do, that's just what I'm supposed to be saying in the moment, so, please continue.

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay um, we got together when we were in high school, and we've been on and off ever since. I don't know we always just sorta fell back into it. Anyway, she's been reaching out and expecting us to get back together for the past few months.
David: Whoa. Over the past few months? And you didn't think to tell me about this? You stood in front of me and told me to trust people.
Patrick: I know.
David: When I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I'm used to. It is my comfort zone. But next thing I know, there's an oversized cookie on my doorstep, and you are telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

Quote from David

David: I know, um, it's just that my truth is that I am damaged goods, and this has really messed things up for me. And I think I need some time with it.
Patrick: All right.
David: Actually, um, I haven't had dinner yet, so...
Patrick: I'll grab ya a slider.
David: More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.
Patrick: Okay. [emotionally] Okay.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, how long do you think before I can go in there?
Johnny: Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders. I'm assuming he'll be falling asleep soon.
Moira: My poor baby. I told him he was out of the quicksand, but he's not, John, he's sinking. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, don't get me wrong, I feel super bad, and partially responsible because I invited Rachel to the barbecue, but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.
Johnny: Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis.
Alexis: Ugh! [knocks] David! David! [David turns the TV up]


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