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37Quotes from ‘The Affair’

Schitt's Creek: The Affair

309. The Affair

Aired March 7, 2017

Moira spends a boozy evening with Roland at a municipal conference. Meanwhile, Alexis wonders whether Patrick has his eye on David as they set up the general store.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, Alexis and I need the car, we're running some errands for the store today.
Alexis: Um, since when?
David: Uh, since I need help for a pick-up. And mom clearly already has a lift, and I'm pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves.
Moira: Oh, really? No. If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her on own mask on first.

Quote from Moira

Roland: Well, I'm gonna need you in there, by my side when we make this budget pitch.
Moira: You don't have to worry about me, Roland. If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab who know how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me. I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People Choice Awards.

Quote from Roland

Moira: Roland! What are you doing in my room?
Roland: What are you talking about? This is my room.
Moira: Well, what the fuck are you doing in your room?
Roland: Well, I was trying to sleep. Until you started pounding on the door, telling me to whip up a salmon plate. I finally let you in, you flaked out on the bed.
Moira: Oh, my God. Are you naked under there?
Roland: Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Jocelyn and I spoke, and she told me you're still pretty upset, huh?
Johnny: Look, if anyone was upset it was Jocelyn. I was just upset because Jocelyn was upset.
Roland: All right, pal. Well, I'm here to put your mind at ease, okay? I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.
Johnny: I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there!
Roland: Well, I sure was. [laughing] All of me. You know, I spent 35 minutes this morning inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints. And I couldn't find anything. Well, there was this one thing on the bottom of my foot, but I think that may have been there before. I really don't know.

Quote from David

David: So what was going on there?
Alexis: Oh, nothing. He hasn't even asked for my phone number, which in my experience, means he's either newly married or he's gay. Okay, so, like if you're sensing a vibe or something, maybe that means that his eye's on somebody else.
David: He's a business major who wears straight-legged, mid-range denim. He's not into me.
Alexis: Okay, well it's either that or he's really into your store, which no offence seems a lot less likely to me.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Obviously. I didn't tell you anything because I was embarrassed. I was riding high, John, apparently really high, after winning what some people called a landmark victory for this and many other towns. Then I woke up in the last place I'd ever wanted to be.
Johnny: Well, can't say I'm not glad to hear you say that.
Moira: Oh John, I owe an apology to you. And to sober people everywhere.
Johnny: Well, I knew it was nothing happened, Moira, it's just I was getting a feeling you weren't taking this very seriously.
Moira: If I weren't, John, would I be pouring this out.
Johnny: Moira, that's my beer! You don't even drink beer!
Moira: It's symbolic, John.

Quote from David

David: So what's gonna happen now? Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?
Johnny: David, stop.
Alexis: Are we gonna have to, like, spend weekends over at Roland's now, or?
Moira: Goodnight, Alexis.
David: Do we call him uncle Roland?
Johnny: All right, that is enough, David.

Quote from David

Alexis: No. I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted.
Alexis: No! I'm making fun of mom and dad right now, David.
Johnny: And we're done. Back to your room.
David: Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, I need the car keys, your father is driving me to Thornbridge.
Johnny: I'm driving you to Thornbridge?
Moira: To that municipalities conference. Yes.
Johnny: I thought Roland offered to drive you.
Moira: Oh, he did. But no thanks. I can't take four hours in the truck with Roland and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You people are abusing the system. It's not a difficult system. Moira, look at this. Under purpose of trip he writes "driving."

Quote from Moira

Roland: Whoa, hold it right there. I want to see the look on your face when you walk into your first Regional Association of Municipalities Conference. And there it is. Ah, name tags. Let's get suited up.
Moira: Thank you but no, Roland. I won't wear anything with an adhesive backing.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Moira please, this is RAMC. These are the people with their fingers on the button of everything from road salting to quarry inspection to water tower repair. I mean, it's really kinda scary that we're all in here under one roof.
Moira: Oh, it's frightening. Yes.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: This is a actually a great idea, David. Consolidating all of your products under one label instills brand recognition and creates synergy.
David: Um, I'm sure you're very excited about all the new words you're learning in your high school intro to business course, but I think a more effective use of your time right now, would be to go and get the hand cream that I asked you to get ten minutes ago.
Alexis: I got the hand cream.
David: Yeah. The box of hand cream. I asked you to get the box of hand cream, not sample the hand cream.
Alexis: That's like 53 pounds.

Quote from Roland

Moira: In the diamond club? That sounds grand.
Roland: It's the hotel bar. They have a special RAMC cocktail. It's a sparkling white Russian. The trick is to get it down before it curdles.
Moira: As appealing as you make that sounds, Roland, I think I'll just go to my room.

Quote from David

Patrick: There's a lot of stuff in here, David. You don't wanna spend too much money up front.
Alexis: Yeah, that's not good, David.
Patrick: You have to be prepared to survive a year without making any profit.
Alexis: Actually, the textbooks now say eighteen months.
David: Well, what are the textbooks saying about curating a selection of products from local vendors and selling them on consignment in a one-stop-shop retail environment, that benefits the vendor and the customer?
Alexis: Well, I don't have my textbook on me.
Patrick: I stand corrected.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: I mean, I'm- I'm hearing about this for the first time.
Jocelyn: Moira didn't tell you?
Johnny: You know, we chatted this morning about how successful the night was, but sleeping with your husband didn't really come up as one of the reasons the night was so successful.
Jocelyn: And we probably shouldn't read anything into the fact that for some reason, Moira decided to hide this from you.
Johnny: Oh, no, no. I wouldn't say "hide." No, no. Because Moira was so exhausted when she got in this morning.
Jocelyn: Maybe she was exhausted because she was up all night with her mitts all over-
Johnny: No! No. No! No. I know Moira and she would never in a million years ever sleep with... Anyone. Else.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: It's just that I know what it's like to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt, and I am powerless against that.
Johnny: He was naked?
Jocelyn: He sleeps naked every night. Do you wanna order some thing to put chocolate sauce on?
Johnny: No.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, David, I can swing by the store and help out after school, if you want. I also may need some more of that lip balm that I liked.
David: Okay. Um, I think we've had enough of your help. And unless you planning on purchasing that lip balm you're not getting the lip balm.
Alexis: Okay. It's called sweat equity, David. I learned about this week. And that's when you help someone out and then they give you lip balm or whatever else you might need in exchange for your time and energy.
David: I think you might actually need to break a sweat, in order to earn sweat equity.
Alexis: Okay, what if I got Patrick to break a sweat for me. That's called outsourcing. Outsourcing...
David: Are you passing this economics course?
Alexis: Yeah. Yes, I'm pretty sure.

Quote from Alexis

David: Um, if you really want the lip balm that bad there are a few things around the store that I could use your help with. Just an FYI, Patrick won't be there. So there won't be anybody for you to flirtatiously boss around.
Alexis: Okay, I hate to break this to you, David, but there will always be somebody for me to flirtatiously boss around.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know I've been thinking about all this and these products that Alexis was showing me yesterday are actually really impressive, I mean the whole model is actually very sustainable.
David: Thank you.
Patrick: But I think you're gonna need more start-up money.
David: Oh. More start-up money. Um, and where do you think I'll get that money?
Patrick: Well, when you're supporting local business, there are grants that you can apply for. And I would be happy to assist you with those applications.
David: Well, that is very, um... Very generous.
Patrick: Well, I wouldn't be doing it for free. See, if these grants came through, you'd have the money to start paying me.
David: Okay.
Patrick: Um, I really think you have something here, David. You just, you just need some help. You need a lot of help.

Quote from Patrick

David: Well, uh, then yes I am open to entertaining your investment offer.
Patrick: Great. And in the interest of us potentially working together, I did want to come clean about something.
David: Okay.
Patrick: [sighs] I, um... I actually picked out that frame.
David: I see. So thank you for making it very clear that I will be making the creative decisions for the store. Um, and I guess you can handle all the business stuff.
Patrick: I'm very comfortable with that.
David: Okay. Um, and you do know that if the grant money doesn't come through, then I won't...
Patrick: Oh, I'm gonna get the money.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, me and six of my closest friends were hoping we could have a little chat.
Johnny: Well, it's awfully late.
Roland: Johnny, I'm talking about the beer.
Johnny: No, I know, I know, you're talking about the beer. It's just that Moira's in the shower. She's been showering most of the day, actually.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know what, Roland, I think I'm gonna ask you to leave. Because Moira's coming out soon and I really don't want to-
Roland: Tempt fate twice. I got it.
Johnny: No, no. I don't think you do got it. And not to put too fine a point on it, Roland, but my wife would never go out for a burger when she has a strong penchant for steak. Good night, Roland.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Don't worry it's only me.
Moira: Ha ha, very droll, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Thought I'd announce myself just in case you were expecting somebody else.
Moira: Is living with that blackout not punishment enough?
Johnny: You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows?
Moira: I'll never know. I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out on Roland's bed.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: You slept with Roland?
Johnny: No, she- She didn't. She found herself in his bed.
David: Mom slept with Roland?
Alexis: Yes. Apparently.
Moira: I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: John, do you have the car keys?
Johnny: Do I have the car keys? No. No. But according to the sign-out sheet, I was the last person to use the car.
Moira: Well, that's not very helpful, John. You're the only one using the sign-out sheet.
Johnny: Well, that's not true. Stevie's got her name on the sheet. Wait a minute, why is Stevie's name on the sheet? She's got her own car.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, hey, Moira, look over there. You see that guy over there? The well dressed one? That's Gavin Mccrae. Mayor of Thornbridge.
Moira: Hm. You mean the one serving drinks to the other people?
Roland: Okay. Maybe he's the other guy over there. Also very well dressed.
Moira: Well, now you've identified the catering staff.

Quote from Alexis

David: Why are you here?
Alexis: You know what I think would be really cute is if I had my own little label, like, under your label.
David: Yeah?
Alexis: And I can sell festival wear, and I can sell like hair feathers and body jewellery, David.

Quote from Alexis

Patrick: Wow, things are really coming together in here.
Alexis: Oh, um, we're actually not open yet. But that's so sweet. Thank you. We've been working very hard.
Patrick: Well, I'm actually not here to shop. I'm- I'm Patrick. I'm just dropping off David's business license.
Alexis: Oh, isn't that just the cutest thing. Um, David's in the back. But I am Alexis, and I'm currently studding business. And I'm David's sister and life coach so...
Patrick: Well, it's great to meet you, Alexis.
Alexis: Uh, I'm sorry if my hands are too soft. I've just been sampling a lot of product. So really soft.
Patrick: They are.

Quote from Roland

Reporter: Excuse me, Mrs. Rose, if I may, just a couple of questions. Were you surprised to secure such a big funding boost for the municipalities? That was quite the speech.
Moira: Oh, thank you. Thank you. [laughs] What did I do? Well, I was simply channelled someone who cares, but if you insist on referring to me as the linchpin. I'll take that.
Roland: That's right. We're- We're just a couple linchpins here. I'm Roland Schitt, Moira's boss.
Moira: Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue here. A total babe in the political woods.
Roland: That's true. You know, this is her first RAMC. But I think under my wing, she's- She's learning to fly. I've been mayor for ten years-
Reporter: Thank you.
Roland: And I did- Okay, we'll talk when you have more time...

Quote from Patrick

Alexis: Isn't it so soft?
Patrick: It is. Whoa, might be tying it a little too tight there.
David: Uh, that is actually cat hair. There's a Himalayan breeder up the street that knits them for us.
Patrick: Hi. Hi. I'm just dropping off your business license. And activating my allergies.
David: Oh, In that case you should probably take that off. Like now!

Quote from David

Alexis: Isn't that the sweet thing, that he framed it.
David: Um. It is very sweet. Thank you, Patrick.
Patrick: Actually, they they all come framed.
David: Okay, thank God. Because I was just thinking that this frame is a little too corporate for my brand.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: David, I was just about to sample the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.
David: Um, that's not a sample. And you've sampled half the store at this point. So we need to sell all this stuff.
Alexis: Okay, well I flattened out the lip balm. So no one's gonna notice.

Quote from Alexis

Patrick: Listen, if you need help, I-I'm happy to help.
David: Why? Alexis is here helping.
Alexis: Well, no. If Patrick has offered to move all the boxes, then I think we should let him.
Patrick: Is that what I offered?
David: Okay, well, thank you, Patrick.
Alexis: You're welcome. Um, okay. So you can start by moving all of those big things of hand cream.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [slurring on the phone] It's all so unbelievable, John! I had forgotten what it was like to be feted.
Johnny: Moira?
Moira: What?! I can, I can hardly hear you, John! The cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.
Johnny: Oh, I take it things went well?
Moira: I'm a game-changer, Jo- Hey, oh! Uh. Oh, Gavin's brought out the hard stuff. So, darling, I must sign off.
Johnny: All right, well, have fun, sweetheart, and don't get too carried away.
Moira: I'm networking, John! Do you know that I'm actually good at this!

Quote from Johnny

Moira: How is Jocelyn?
Johnny: Oh, she was a little upset. Apparently her husband, Roland, spent the night with you.
Moira: I know, wasn't that funny?
Johnny: Moira, when were you gonna tell me about this?
Moira: Ah, we talked about it this morning, John! We laughed about it.
Johnny: We didn't laugh about it. Because we didn't talk about it. I would have remembered if you had said something that funny.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: May I ask what you are doing?
Moira: Oh, I've decided to cut down on my drinking.
Johnny: Unrelated, I assume?
Moira: To what?
Johnny: To you sleeping with Roland last night.
Moira: Okay. This joke has played itself out. It was humorous this morning.
Johnny: We didn't talk about it this morning!


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