Leslie Knope: Hey, who's ready to get- What are you doing?
Ron Swanson: Tammy One showed up. I'm being audited by the IRS.
Leslie Knope: No! Your worst nightmare.
Ron Swanson: You know what? Screw this. First of all, income tax is illegal. Second, Tammy is a psychological mastermind. This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet. I'd rather be locked up.

John McCain: Excuse me. I just need to get my coat here.
Leslie Knope: [without turning around] Could you give me a minute here, please?
John McCain: Are you- Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Leslie Knope: I-I would like you to just leave and give me a little privacy here, please.
John McCain: All right. I'm sorry. I hope everything's okay.
Leslie Knope: [scoffs] Nosy people have no respect for personal space.

Ron Swanson: Is this everybody?
Donna: Ann took a cab. Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof. All right, where to first?
Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt. [laughter]
Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone.
Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry heaving in my car, you're all walking home.

Ron Swanson: I'm here. What do I have to do?
Leslie Knope: Um, I have you on phone answering duty from 4:00 to 6:00 am.
Ron Swanson: That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Chris: I would be thrilled if we had a boy. I have perfected the art of shaving the human face. And I would love to be able to pass that on.
Ann: Toy trucks? Superhero costumes? Tiny little acorn penis? Forget it.
Chris: A weird image. But one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

Andy: Guys, it happened a really long time ago, right? And it was probably an accident.
Turk: Oh, yeah, I'm sure the Dig Dug machine just unplugged itself right before I was about to beat his high score. Yeah, I'm sure it was an accident.
April: Hey, status report?
Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, "nicey-meanie."

Tom: Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this?
Ann: Who's Ginuwine?
Tom: Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.
Ann: Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
Tom: He's an R&B singer. Pony, Differences. Do you really not know who Ginuwine is?
Ann: I know that he's Donna's cousin.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos." A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list. Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.