Cece: It's a boob reduction, Schmidt. Just accept it.
Schmidt: Acceptance is stage five. I'm grieving, Cece. There are five stages of grief. Stage one was denial.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: This is not happening, this is not happening.
Cece: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Schmidt: You're not getting a boob reduction.
Cece: Yes, I am.
Schmidt: This is not happening.
Cece: Yes, it is.
[present:]
Schmidt: Stage two was anger.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Your breasts belong to all of us!
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: Who are you to decide?!
[present:]
Schmidt: Next will be stage four, depression. And then stage five, acceptance. But right now, I'm firmly planted in stage three, bargaining. Dear God, if you stop Cece's breast reduction...
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: I'll circumcise Coach.

Jess: All right, look, you stay here and keep your gay warm, okay? In case Ian comes back. Also, can we agree that this is not the most mature way to handle things? Even though it's pretty fun.
Nick: It's no fun a couple Bellinis and a round of apples to apples can't solve.
Jess: What kind of gay are you?
Nick: I'm still finding it.
Jess: All right.

Jess: The point is, Ian has asked me out on a third date.
Coach: Ooh.
Jess: And this is the biggest compliment I could give: I want to go. Because I like him.
Winston: Boo.
Coach: That's not a reason.
Jess: And, frankly, it's been a while. And the third date is where [sings] Mama gets her biscuit. [chuckles] Mama gets her biscuit.
Schmidt: I don't understand.
Jess: It's sex.
Coach: Oh!
Winston: Yeah!
Coach: Now, that's a reason!
Jess: Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight, so let's keep those toilets flushed. That means stick around. Take a second look.

Schmidt: How'd you tell Ian about the fun surprise that you still live with your ex?
Nick: All right.
Jess: Well, I haven't told him yet. Uh, tricky conversation. I'm thinking of something simple like, "Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."
Coach: No. No, no. When a guy hears that, he is going to run through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Winston: Here's a fun idea. You can put a hat on him with antlers. This way, the hole he makes in the wall will make us all smile.

Coach: Anything for me?
Winston: Oh, no, this isn't our mail. This is our neighbors' mail. You see, Viv likes it alphabetized. Yet Michelle likes it according to size. (chuckles) Hashtag "go figure," right? Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"
Coach: I want to choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head. Those girls are not going to sleep with you. They are hot. And nothing is less hot than a male secretary.
Winston: [imitates record scratching] What? I think somebody needs to take a good long look at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. Dude's eyes are so pouchy, he can barely see anything, and he's still killing it.
Coach: Girls don't have sex with guys who sort their mail.
Winston: Look, I am playing the long game here, Coach, weaving myself into the fabric of their lives. Pretty soon I'll be as permanent as the will that I helped them draw up.

Winston: Whoa, Coach. Go out with them tonight? Doesn't make any sense, man. And compromise the long game? Ha. Not until I replace their rocker switches with dimmers.
Coach: Forget your long game, Winston! Getting a girl to have sex with you is not about planning ahead. It is about seizing opportunities that you never saw coming. It is instinct. All right? It is improv. It is jazz, man. But with words. You dig? And the words are, "Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..." [scatting loudly]

Nick: My perfect Sunday-- sitting here, watching the game, eating a pot pie with a hot dude with no shirt on, on my lap kissing me.
Ian: Right on, man.
Nick: Right on, man. [they fist bump]
Ian: All right.
Jess: You got it.
Nick: [imitates explosion]

Jess: Do you think you can play a gay man?
Nick: I'm terrible at lying, I'm terrific at make-believe.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Okay? But I need to know some backstory 'cause it's very important to me.
Jess: Okay. Yeah, backstory's important.
Nick: Okay. Tell me, have I always known I was gay, or did I just recently realize it?
Jess: That's-- Um, you-you always knew you were gay, but you grew up in an oil town where masculinity was the most valued currency. Um, you-you had an older brother named Chip.
Nick: And Chip was a union guy.
Jess: Yes.
Nick: And if it wasn't about Teamster Local 11, Chip didn't want to hear about it.
Jess: Oh, my God, we're doing this.

Coach: What is he...? What are you doing, man?
Schmidt: [holding two small, mandarin oranges] Is this...? Is this the fut... the future? I can hold them both in one hand.
Coach: Yeah, man.
Schmidt: [sighs] No, no, there it is. Look at that. Stage four-- depression. My two best friends are going away. Going away far too soon. And if you were lucky enough to meet them, to touch them, to be touched by them, you came away a better person. If you'll excuse me.

Schmidt: I just cried on my penis while I was peeing.
Coach: Whoa.
Schmidt: That happened. I just can't stop thinking about them. [sighs] You know, there are some people that are gonna say that they... they look alike. That they're exactly the same. And you know what? They just don't know them like I know them. Truth-truth be told? One of them... One of them is slightly more brown than the other. And they're so unique, and they're so special. You know what I'm gonna miss most about them? Watching them bounce. Watching them... Watching them bounce.
[As Schmit walks aways, Coach and Winston start to bounce]