Ian: Uh, can I use your restroom?
Jess: Yeah. It's down the hall to the right.
Ian: Don't worry. I won't peek.
Jess: But he wants to. [Nick chuckles]
Jess: Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I should just tell him the truth.
Nick: It's too late for the truth, Jess. You live with a gay man, and this gay man's gonna help you get laid.

Michelle: Is he... is he talking about you guys?
Coach: Yes. Yes, he is, uh... he's talking about us. We are, unfortunately, we're going away... tomorrow. So, uh, we better make tonight count, huh, ladies?
Michelle: Wait. We barely got to know you!
Viv: How long will you be gone?
Winston: For... for...
Coach: 44 weeks.
Michelle: 44 weeks?
Coach: Tell them about our business, man. You don't have to be shy about it.
Winston: Uh, right.
Coach: No. Yeah.
Winston: Hello. Do you like socks? We sell socks.
Coach: Everybody likes socks.

Winston: If you just give me a chance to exp... [Michelle closes the door]
Coach: Well, easy come, easy go.
Winston: Easy? Easy?! You just stole six months of my life, man. I am... I am P.O.'d, hombre!
Coach: Winston!

Nick: [o.s.] Hey, Jess, you in there?
Ian: Is that Nick?
Jess: Do you mean Gay Nick? Yeah, that's Gay Nick.

Ian: You look so cute in the morning.
Nick: You talking to me or her? [laughter]
Jess: Okay. I'll get rid of her. I'll just pretend to be your crazy ex-girlfriend. I can do this. I did a one-woman
production of A Christmas Carol. [British accent] You, sir, what day is it? Aye, it's Christmas day.
Nick: That was not good. It was perfect.
Jess: Thank you. I thought you'd think that.

Jess: Nick thinks we're broken up, but he also thinks that the last girl he slept with wasn't me in a wig.
Tina: [laughs] Wigs are so good for tricking guys.
Jess: I'm around all the time. Do you really want to get yourself in this situation?
Tina: My last boyfriend was, like, honestly in his 80s. I was just like, "Don't die, Myron." Does that answer your question?
Jess: Tell me everything you did sexually! Everything! All of it, or leave!
Tina: I put my finger...
Jess: Stop!
Tina: But you asked...
Jess: No. I-I did, but it backfired.

Winston: Ah, so it is load bearing, huh?
Coach: What are you doing?
Winston: Me? Oh, well, first, I'm putting up the shelves. Then I got to finish the floor, so that the shelves can appear level, then the ceiling.
Coach: Enough! All right? You've done enough for these women. Look, ladies, I tried to manipulate you, and I am sorry about that, but you guys have been manipulating my friend for months. It is not okay. Just dangling
sex like a little carrot.
Viv: We are not using sex to get Winston to do stuff.
Michelle: No.
Coach: Wait. You're not?
Viv: No.
Coach: Well, then he's done doing stuff. Come on, Winston. You're better than this. Forget you guys.

Michelle: Okay. It's me. Come on.
Coach: What?
Winston: Wait. Listen. Um... Michelle, you don't have to do this.
Michelle: That's okay. I kind of want to. Just, uh, keep the pencil behind your ear, and bring the hard hat, um, and the safety goggles.
Winston: [whispers to Coach] Long game.

Ian: That was beautiful. I'm-I'm sorry, you know? I think I'm just more used to, like, stereotypical gay guys,
like him, you know?
Nick: You offended me.
Ian: I'm sorry.
Jess: Ian! Ian! Ian, hi. There are some events that are about to occur that I'd like to get ahead of. Um, the truth is that Nick is... Oh, God.
Nick: [Tina kisses Nick] Get off of me! You're not a man!

Doctor: Now, this is just a consultation, so do your best to relax.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [enters] Stop the surgery!
Cece: This is just a consultation.
Schmidt: May we have the room, please?
Doctor: That's what it's here for.
Cece: I'm sorry.