Nick: When I came out, was it flashy? Was it emotional? Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag? Or for what he's doing in his own way-- is it even braver?
Jess: These are all really good questions, but I just can't get my mind off, like, why you dress this way. Why aren't you in better shape?
Nick: Don't put me in a box! There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Jess: Good.
Nick: Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
Jess: That's not a category.
Nick: [loudly] I like rugby for the game and for the men. Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do that gay thing I was telling you about, because, of course, I'm gay as hell. [Jess laughs] Bye.
Jess: [whispers] That's not how gay men talk.
Nick: [whispers] I am shattering stereotypes.

Nick: Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
Ian: Well, you know women.
Nick: What's women? [laughs] Am I right?
Ian: "What's women?"
Nick: [chuckles] I just don't know them like you know them, is my point.
Ian: Uh-huh. Uh, so, what kind of guys do you like to date?
Nick: Me? All kinds. Yeah. Hunks. If I can get my, uh, paws on a hunk, I don't let go. Uh, ripped nerds. 'Cause they're smart but strong, I guess.
Ian: Uh-huh.
Nick: I like Spanish guys. Throw in a little, uh, hint of German in there, there's a perfect combo.
Ian: Okay.
Nick: Certain ice cream men, I guess. Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys. Uh, we in the gay community call them "drowsers."
Ian: Why would you like a sleepy guy?

Schmidt: All right, let me see the new. I accept it.
Cece: Again, it was just a consultation. And actually, I don't even know if I'm gonna go through with it.
Schmidt: You're still here. I saved you. I'm your Schindler. One day, your children are gonna put rocks on my grave.

Nick: Look... I'm so out of the game-- I'm in a relationship. Um... he's got a nice penis.
Ian: You're sweating a lot.
Nick: That's what he said! Am I right? [laughs] I'm a sweaty lover, is what he says to me.
Ian: Okay, you know, you really don't seem gay. I don't buy it.
Schmidt: Hey.
Nick: Not now.
Schmidt: Probably wondering why I didn't come home last night. Just needed some space to process this whole thing. I'm sorry if our room felt empty.
Nick: [sighs] Well, it did. I was really worried about you. So where were you? You owe me that much.
Schmidt: I just went walking on the streets last night. I needed to come to terms with all this. Ended up in a park. I know that's stupid, but I promise I was careful. I mean, I was totally safe.
Nick: A park?
Schmidt: I don't know, man.
Nick: Hey, I'm upset... but I understand. It's okay. Come here. Come here. There, there.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Acceptance. Wow.
Nick: Yeah. Give me a kiss. Just give me a kiss. All right? [Nick kisses Schmidt]
Schmidt: I felt like you needed that more than I did. [sighs] Your scruff, by the way, is perfect. Don't touch your beard trimming setting.

Jess: Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied, and you don't owe me anything, but could I just ask you one thing before you leave?
Ian: What is this, an exit interview?
Jess: Is there any good way I could have told you about my living situation?
Ian: Okay, you know what? Fair question. Um... no!
Jess: Look, Nick was just trying to help me.
Ian: Clearly, he would do anything for you. I mean, he went so far as to hire an actual gay man to play his cheating lover.
Jess: What? Oh, my God. You know what? I think that was Schmidt. He's... not gay.
Ian: When are the lies gonna stop?!

Schmidt: Okay, look, I know I can't stop this, and I accept that, but I just wanted to stop it long enough so that I could say good-bye.
Cece: Aw. Look, this is a low-risk procedure, okay? I'm gonna be fine. Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs. I forgot who I was talking to. No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.
Schmidt: I need to look them in the eyes. I can't let them leave without knowing how much they've meant to me.
Cece: I'll let them know.
Schmidt: No. I need to tell them myself.
Cece: [groans] All right... you can say good-bye to one, all right?
Schmidt: I mean, j-just one?
Cece: One.
Schmidt: [sighs] Gosh almighty. The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho. I mean, there's Harold, who's just... full of life... [Cece groans] And Kumar, who's shy. Who's shy, but yet surprisingly so brave. But, you know, who wouldn't be with a best friend like Harold?
Cece: Oh, my God, fine! You can say good-bye to both, okay?
Schmidt: Okay. I need you to put these on.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: This is a private conversation that doesn't concern you. The playlist... matches the mood.
[Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing]
Schmidt: I mean, I guess if I'm being honest, it doesn't matter what size you are. I'm always gonna love you, because you're attached to the most beautiful person in the whole world.

Jess: What?!
Nick: I wanted to be gay for you, I really did, but it's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out!
Jess: Are you blaming autumn?

Jess: All I'm saying is that, somehow, Ian is even more mature than you are. And that's why I think he'll understand when I tell him in a mature adult way, I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about.
Nick: Can I suggest a tweak?
Jess: Fine.
Nick: "I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about because he's gay now."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he has weeks to live."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he's already dead."
Jess: What?
Nick: Then I'll act like a ghost.

Jess: I'm happy to lend you a bra, but I don't think I have anything that would fit you. That's the Peter Pan. That'll smash 'em down good, but you'll never get those in there.
Cece: I know. I just wanted to see what it would feel like to be your size.
Jess: Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday? Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.
Cece: I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women in my family have back trouble, you know? [groans] So, now that I have insurance, though, I was thinking maybe I could have, like, breast reduction surgery.
Schmidt: [o.s.] No! [frantic knocking]
Jess: I wonder who this is.
Schmidt: What?

Jess: Gentlemen, three months ago, I bravely re-entered the dating pool. And how has this city rewarded me? With an endless parade of weirdo ass clowns. Hard to say who was the worst.
Schmidt: Comedy magician.
Coach: No, it's the guy with the little ding-ding.
Winston: The lion tamer.
Jess: Never went out with a lion tamer.
Winston: Then I am having some vivid dreams.