‘Goldmine’
Season 4, Episode 7 - Aired November 11, 2014
Nick pretends to be gay so Jess's new boyfriend doesn't feel uncomfortable with her living with her ex. Meanwhile, Cece considers breast reduction surgery, and Winston hopes his long game with his attractive neighbors will finally pay off.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Nick. You're gay.
Nick: Huh?
Jess: You're gay. Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.
Nick: Be gay?
Jess: [opens door to Ian] Hey. I just had to make sure these animals flushed.
Ian: Oh.
Jess: Not you, you fastidious queen.
Ian: Oh, y-you must be Nick.
Nick: Well, friends call me Gay Nick.
Quote from Coach
Jess: You know what I think? I think that when people go on dates with us, probably talk to their friends and their friends say, "You go on dates with a lot of weirdos." Oh, my God. We're the weirdo ass clowns.
Coach: Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s waits in line for the shower.
Nick: I'm sorry, but the truth is, as long as you live with me, you're not gonna meet a normal guy.
Quote from Nick
Jess: Nick brings home girls all the time. There's no problem.
Nick: No complaints here.
[flashback to Nick in bed with a woman:]
Maureen: It'll make you forget every botanical garden you've ever seen.
Nick: I live with my ex-girlfriend.
[Maureen storms out]
[flashback to Nick in bed with another woman:]
Julie: And after the farmer's market...
Nick: I live with my ex.
[Julie storms out]
[flashback to Nick in bed with another woman:]
Dani: Let's have sex again.
Nick: I live with my ex.
Dani: [sighs]
Nick: Damn it. Too quick.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Hey, if you're looking to scare somebody off, it's basically a gold mine.
Jess: Nobody cares that we're exes who live together.
Pam: [groans] I got to go.
Jess: Okay, that doesn't prove anything.
Pam: Just for the record, I'm leaving 'cause you live with your ex. It's gross. And disgusting. And I'm gonna steal some stuff.
Nick: Take what you want, honey.
Coach: We don't read those anymore. [door closes]
Jess: Nick, who are these girls?
Nick: They're not the best.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Jess, guys hate complicated situations. We want the path of least resistance. There's a flap in our underwear because we are too lazy to pull our underpants down.
Jess: No offense, Nick, but... Ian's a little different from you or the women you bring home. The... tavern folk.
Nick: Have some respect. They're called Uh-Ohs. And I've been through a lot of names: Pork Pals.
Jess: Mm-hmm. Okay.
Nick: Bone Cronies.
Jess: Right.
Nick: C-Plussy Hussies.
Jess: Very reverent.
Nick: But "Uh-Oh" takes it off of them and back onto me where it belongs. I made the mistake, not them. They're great.
Jess: You really are a prince among men, Nick.
Nick: Aw, that's awfully nice. I feel like I'm maturing.
Quote from Coach
Winston: [o.s.] Coach, I really need my stilts and a plunger!
Coach: Eh, I don't care.
Quote from Winston
Winston: [answers phone] Glen, my man, tell me something good. And you better not be trying to sell me some non-dimmable halogens, you son of a...
Quote from Coach
Coach: Hey, buddy. You know what you need to surround yourself with tonight? Four new boobs.
Schmidt: On two different women?
Coach: You're damn right.
Schmidt: Take me to them.
Quote from Jess
Ian: Um, do you want to, like, go find a bar, grab a drink?
Jess: There's a bar that I like. It's called... my place.
Ian: Great. Uh, is it... You think it'll be crowded?
Jess: You know I'm talking about my house, right?
Ian: Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't... I thought that was just a clever name, but now I do. And, yeah, let's go there.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Um, one thing I want to, uh, disclose to you in a very mature adult way, I... live with my ex.
Ian: Okay. Uh, yeah, you live with your ex.
Jess: Yeah. But also three other guys. It's more zany than sexy.
Ian: Okay. So it, like, wasn't really serious?
Jess: Oh, it was very serious.
Ian: Did you say "I love you"?
Jess: Not until he said it. [chuckles]