Nick: Turns out, I do want a refund... On you. Give me my money back!
Jess: Anyway, they let us downgrade our "lovers' suite" to include four more people. And that's you guys.
Winston: I have some concerns about going on a cruise with two people that just broke up.
Coach: Absolutely.
Schmidt: Me, too.
Cece: Yeah, I have the same concern as Winnie.
Schmidt: Like, I don't want to go.
Coach: I have strong qualms as well.
Winston: He got qualms.

Nick: Put those qualms away. It's gonna be fine, okay?
Jess: Totally.
Nick: We are killing this breakup, honestly.
Schmidt: But we're gonna be on a ship in the middle of the ocean with no escape. What if you guys get in a big fight and we're stuck out there with you? It'll be like a floating, all-you-can-eat prison.

Jess: I promise you no weirdness.
Cece: Guess that's an excuse to go out and buy a new bikini. Which could be good.
Schmidt: I'm in.
Jess: Full steam ahead! We have two on board!
Schmidt: Nope! Let's not do, uh, nautical puns, please. If we're gonna do nautical puns, we shouldn't... We shouldn't go.
Jess: That's fair, and I won't.

Coach: Uh, I have an idea. Just throwing this out there. What if we do the cruise on the ground? Like, on land.
Schmidt: That's silly.
Jess: What, are you scared of boats or something?
Schmidt: Afraid...? Me, afraid of boats?
Winston: You're afraid of boats, dude.
Cece: Ha! He's scared of boats? [laughs]
Schmidt: Hold on, hold on.
Jess: Oh, my God, you're scared of boats.
Schmidt: Dude!
Winston: Is it the boats or the water? Can you swim?
Schmidt: You feel safe now?
Coach: I'm not- I don't need to be safe, man. I'm brave! I take dumps standing up! I'm a man!

Captain Jane Nortis: Welcome aboard the Wave Dancer, your home for the next five days. I am your captain, Jan Nortis, and I invite you to dance on the waves with me.
Gang: [cheering] Cruise! Cruise! Cruise! Cruise!
Winston: I'm gonna get drunk! Sorry.
Captain Jane Nortis: Enthusiasm! I like these people. Friendship is the most crucial ingredient to any sea adventure. Second only to buoyancy. [silence] Because a ship has to float.
Jess: Ah!
Coach: Oh, okay.
Winston: [laughing] I didn't know where you was going with it.
Nick: We love you, captain!

Doug: Everybody, my name is Doug.
Gang: Hi, Doug. Hi, Doug.
Winston: I'm Winston.
Doug: Does anyone know what to do in case of an emergency? Uh-oh. It looks like we're all in the same boat. [Jess laughs politely]
Schmidt: Excuse me. If we could just continue on without any more nautical puns, that'd be great. Feels like that's just the lowest form of humor.
Doug: Looks like I found a grumpy Gus!
Schmidt: I'm sorry, a what?
Doug: Boo!
All: Boo.
Doug: Boo and hiss!
All: Boo.
Doug: Folks, if you see Gus frowning around, brighten up his day by giving him a tickle.
Schmidt: A what?
Doug: Tickle.

Doug: We have fun! [chuckles] But the ocean does not.
Coach: What?
Doug: Listen to what I have to say if you don't want to die.
Jess: Don't worry, Coach. Everyone who works on a cruise ship is a performer. They're just doing a show.
Coach: So what? What are you talking to me about it for? I'm not scared.
Jess: I just thought you should know.
Nick: You're definitely scared.
Jess: Sure.
Coach: I'm not scared, dude. What are you talking about?

Doug: Okay, now I need a volunteer to help me with some emergency procedures.
Coach: I'll do it. I don't care. 'Cause I'm not scared. I'll volunteer my ass off. [laughs] I ain't afraid of you! [laughs]
Doug: Let's say it's 3:00 A.M.
Coach: 3:00 A.M.
Doug: There's alarms going off...
Coach: What?
Doug: Freezing seawater up to your ankles. Adults are screaming, babies are crying! Go, go, go, go, go! You're up on deck! There's an Italian guy strapping chains together! You don't know what's going on!
Coach: I know!
Doug: What do you do?
Coach: I don't know! What do I do?
Doug: What do you do? What do you do?

Nick: It's the captain.
Winston: What's up, captain?
Captain Jane Nortis: Hello, again. I'm Captain Jan Nortis, as I previously stated. I would just like to say that I am a fan of your enthusiasm. [Nick salutes, then bows] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please don't do that.
Nick: Sorry.
Captain Jane Nortis: I may be a captain, but first and foremost, I am a woman.
Nick: Absolutely.

Jess: Come on! Did anyone just see that she was flirting like crazy with Nick? That was, like, the most shameless flirting I've ever seen. "Keep it in your pants" is all I have to say to Captain Jan Nortis.
Nick: You're being really weird.
Winston: You're being weird.
Cece: Super weird right now.
Schmidt: Here we go. This is starting now already.
Jess: I am not being weird.
Schmidt: You're creating an awkward situation for no reason.
Nick: Don't do this, Jess.
Jess: If this ship moves as fast as that captain, we'll be in Ensenada by 6:00.