Winston: Come on, Nick. You guys can't be separate the whole trip.
Nick: The trip just made it clear. The breakup's too hard. I don't think we can be friends for a while.
Winston: What? You're not gonna be friends with Jess?
Nick: And even you guys said it. It's just too weird.
Winston: Nick, man, that's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on. Everybody knows they're best friends.
Nick: They work together, but they're not best friends.
Winston: Dude, they're the president and the vice president.
Nick: Okay.

Winston: Well, I mean, look, man, we all have to be together on this trip. That's why we came here. Nick, there's gotta be something I can do.
Nick: Yeah, you know what you can do?
Winston: Yeah, anything, come on.
Nick: You can cash in my skee ball tickets on the other side of the boat. Get me one of those toy spiders that I was talking to you about before. And if they're out...
Winston: All right, man, all right.
Nick: Then grab me a bunch of erasers?

Schmidt: We should've never asked you guys not to be weird around us. We- We want you to be weird around us. Just let us in. Open your cellar doors, and let us taste your jams.
Nick: You want to "taste our jams"?
Winston: Again, you have lost me.
Nick: Listen to yourself for once in your life.
Jess: It's my jam and you can't have it.
Nick: First of all, that's my ex-girlfriend's jam, dude.
Jess: I put a ban on jam.

Cece: Okay, you know what? All of us are weird. But we're all still friends. So, let's talk about it. I'll go first. I've made out with half of the guys in this room.
Winston: Okay.
Schmidt: All right.
Winston: That's a start. That's a start. And I have had nightmares about making out with the other two guys in this room.
Jess: So, yourself?
Nick: And me.
Winston: Nick and Winston.

Coach: Um, it really bums me out that I'll never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside of me.
Cece: Wow.
Schmidt: Okay, Coach!
Schmidt: That's honesty. That's real honest.
Cece: That's how it's done.

Schmidt: You know, I've been thinking a lot about your sleeping arrangements and...
Nick: Weird.
Schmidt: I might have an idea on how to make things a little bit less weird.
Jess: Really? What is it?
Schmidt: Two words. Bunk beds.
Nick: No. [laughs] No, I'm not putting bunk beds in my room, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Not in your room. In my room. It'll be just like college, my man. Only with way more sex.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: That came out wrong.
Nick: I'm not bunking with you, Schmidt.
Jess: Yeah, he is.
Schmidt: Yeah, he is.
Nick: Yeah, he is. There's gonna be a lot of rules, and I'm gonna make most of them.
Schmidt: You can make them all, man! Except for the ones that I make! [both laugh] First one in gets dibs!

Schmidt: I just wanted to say-
Winston: Grumpy Gus!
Schmidt: No! No! No!
Winston: Grumpy Gus.
Schmidt: Sweet mother of sea dragon!
Cece: What? What happened?
Schmidt: I just witnessed a dolphin being cut straight in half by our keel. It's a ghastly sight.
Winston: What?
Cece: That's horrible!
Schmidt: Terrible.
Winston: It's a shame about the dolphin, man. Really is. [Schmidt tackles Winston] What?!

Jess: We did bad things to the tub.
Doug: [speaks in Spanish]
Winston: I got the sugars. I'm the sugar man. [laughs]
Nick: Silence! I have the talking soap!
Jess: [crying] I'm the queen of Wednesday!

Winston: Is Cece checking out Schmidt
Cece: What?!
Schmidt: Let me see that.
Cece: Huh?
Schmidt: [laughs] What are you talking about, Winston?
Winston: [singsongy] Shame, shame, I know your name.
Cece: You do not know my name, Winston.
Winston: Cece got a boyfriend who used to be Betty!
Cece: Yeah, you better run, bitch.
Winston: [o.s.] Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my mustache!

Jess: When we were together, we booked a cruise. We tried to get our money back, but it's...
Both: Nonrefundable.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: [laughs] They made that very clear.
Nick: Seemed like a safe bet at the time.
[flashback:]
Nick: I don't want a refund on my cruises and I don't want a refund on you.
Jess: We're never gonna die!
Nick: Yeah!
Winston: Y'all nasty.