Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.

Dr. Kroger: You know, it's a confusing time, not just for you, but for everyone. It's hard to feel centered. These days, it's hard to even know where the center is. What are you feeling right now?
Sharona: Well, I feel weird being here like I'm trespassing. [Dr. Kroger chuckles] I bet those pillows must drive him crazy, huh?
Dr. Kroger: I'm not at liberty to say.
Sharona: Well, I see my window is cleaner than your window. That's got to be him.
Dr. Kroger: Sometimes I wish that we could switch seats, so I could get this window a little...

Dr. Kroger: No, no, Adrian, I'm not suggesting that you just give up. I'm saying to you that there is always someone ahead of you. This is the human condition. For instance, there, there's a new psychiatrist here in town, name of Lowenstern. Now, I know that there is no way that I will ever be, well, as good as he is. I know this. I accept it.
Adrian Monk: He's better than you?
Dr. Kroger: He's brilliant. Nominated for a Nobel prize. But, the point is, you think that you might enjoy teaching.
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Tell me more about this Lowenstern.
Dr. Kroger: Lowenstern. I could introduce you. Office is right across the street. He charges $400 an hour.
Adrian Monk: ... So where, where were we?

Dr. Kroger: You know, you're like John Henry: Man versus the machine. You know that song?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, I was, um... I was in a folk singing group in college. We always used to end each show singing that song. You never heard it? [sings] When John Henry was a little baby He sat on his momma's knee He picked up a hammer, a piece of steel Said hammer will be the death of me Lord! Lord! Hammer will be the death of me Yes!
Adrian Monk: Well... Okay, okay then. Thank you.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, the point is that he was a steel driver. There was a big contest between John Henry and the big, new, modern steam drill, and John Henry won.
Adrian Monk: He- He did?
Dr. Kroger: He won, yes. I mean, absolutely. That's why I'm telling you this. He won, he was a hero. Everybody loved him. God, I just loved it when everybody joined in on that last verse.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: [sings] When John Henry was hammering that mountain Mountain was spitting fire He worked so hard that he broke his heart Laid down his hammer and he died Lord! Lord! He laid down his hammer And he died.
Adrian Monk: So, he- He died?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I guess he did. Oh, no, no, no, in this version. You know, there were a lot of versions.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.
Dr. Kroger: No, it's not. No, it's only 20 after.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.

Adrian Monk: I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. Happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Kroger: No, Madeline is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have Tourette's syndrome?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. Yes, she does.

Dr. Kroger: So, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago. The son never reported it.
Dr. Kroger: Wait, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: The doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body. Carried her from room to room like nothing happened.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I have heard of cases like that. See, he couldn't function without her. They call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, wh- Wh- What about your work?
Adrian Monk: My work? My work's great. I'd say I'm operating at or just below Magoo level.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have to tell you I'm a little concerned. Now, there are five stages of grief, and I think you've already leapfrogged over at least the first three of them. And I think any doctor-
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking. You could be naked right now, and it wouldn't bother me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not naked.
Adrian Monk: But you could be.
Dr. Kroger: Look it, Adrian. I think that you're using this condition as an excuse to cut yourself off from the real world, even more than usual. And the pendulum will swing back.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it will. This is what pendulums do. You could come crashing down. It would be very painful. I- I-I just refuse to believe that you are happy - genuinely happy - having lost your eyesight.
Adrian Monk: It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, okay, fine. Well, then, why don't we get some ear plugs, and some nose plugs? And then you can just cut yourself off completely from the world.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Kroger: Or maybe we could arrange to have you put into a coma.
Adrian Monk: Well, let's try the ear plug thing first.

Adrian Monk: What's with the toys?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of children this week ever since...
Adrian Monk: Ever since I went on television and said there is no Santa Claus. How are they doing, the kids?
Dr. Kroger: The kids are fine. Children are very resilient, Adrian. Although I might ask you to leave by the side door today.

Adrian Monk: [sighs] When I when I look at a man, a real man, like Steve Wagner... I just feel weak. I just feel so inadequate. I know he's guilty. But I'll never be able to prove it.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, Steve Wagner is a human being. And if he's guilty, I know something he's very much afraid of.
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Dr. Kroger: You.

Dr. Kroger: All right, all right, Adrian. Adrian, I understand. Now, you're feeling unfulfilled.
Adrian Monk: It's all the same. Crime scene, witness, suspect, question, answer.
Dr. Kroger: Okay, this- This is perfectly normal, Adrian. No job can completely satisfy anyone. There is more to life than just working.
Adrian Monk: I know that.
Dr. Kroger: Let me finish. Or cleaning.
Adrian Monk: Oh.