Sonia: [holding laundry basket] Where is the river?

Phil: [aside to camera] "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt."

Jay: Kids are looking for role models. Why do you think Fonzie was so popular?
Gloria: He told people that they were rich, but really took their money with his scheme?
Jay: No, that's a- Yes. Those people were victims of a Fonzie scheme.

Cameron: Oh, that looks great up there! How impressed are you with your uncle right now?
Alex: So impressed.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I didn't wanna ruin their moment by telling them how many awards I've gotten, but let's just say I don't get out of bed for a trophy that size.

Jay: [aside to camera] Terrible tragedy.
Gloria: They're our closest friends.
Jay: We know them. Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight. In fact, I put in one of their closets. Not that it matters, but it was the only structure to survive the fire.
Gloria: Por favor, don't even say that word! In my country it is considered very, very bad luck when your house burns down.

Cameron: [aside to camera] If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It's ironic. Like the Gift of the Vagi.

Phil: [aside to camera] I've been practicing like crazy, all my cowboy skills: shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'. Why? Because sometimes I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.
[flashback:]
Phil: It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law," it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis," comma, "my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Okay, who's your son-in-law?
Jay: Phil is.

Jay: What the hell are those?
Phil: Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook. Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's nothing gays hate more than when people...
Both: Treat us like women.
Cameron: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell: You love pink.
Cameron: No, pink loves me.

Jay: [singing] Oh, Danny boy The pipes The pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the roses-
Manny: You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.