Gloria: Sonia, I have very bad news to tell you.
Sonia: Let me get Néstor. He's my rock. Néstor!
Gloria: Ay, what happened to my independent sister that I admired so much because she needed no man?
Sonia: Where... is he?
Gloria: Well, I thought he was a gold digger, so I chased him out.
Sonia: You did what?!
Gloria: But the silver lining is that you still have all your money!
Sonia: What money? I don't have any money!
Gloria: What do you mean? The money from the hot-sauce business that you're doing so well.
Sonia: No, it was all a lie. I just didn't want him to be suspicious. Look, I'm wearing aluminum earrings! They're turning my ears green! Ay! It took me two years to land that rich, beautiful moron. Where am I going to get that kind of money?! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, I tripped! Someone call a lawyer!
Gloria: You didn't trip.
Sonia: Yes, I did! Look! [pours drink] Uh, the floor is all wet.
Gloria: Sonia, that didn't work at the Princess Cruise ship, and it's not going to work here.

Sonia: Every time I try to get my life together, you always ruin it for me. You owe me a rich husband.
Gloria: I'll find you one. There are plenty of old, rich men around here that would do anything that you say.
Jay: Some of them can still hear.
Sonia: Oh. Who's this?
Jay: Oh. He's, um... He's the best hedge guy in town. Congratulate him. He just got a new plane.
Sonia: Ohh. A hedge guy. Fascinating. And how did you get started in that business?
Vic: I bought the clippers.
Sonia: [gasps] Wow! And where are you going, dressed so nice?
Vic: A wedding.
Sonia: Ohh, I love weddings.
Vic: Would you like to accompany me?
Sonia: I would love to! And can we take your plane?
Vic: Yeah, sure.

Jay: Hey. What's all this? I thought the three of us were just gonna order something in.
Sonia: No. I ruined your night enough. I'm cooking for you and Gloria so you can have a romantic evening alone.
Jay: Sonia, you don't have to do this.
Sonia: I want to. It makes me so happy to prepare food for you. Maybe someday I'll be preparing it for a husband of my own. Thank you for not laughing and falling on the floor like my mother does when I say such things.

Gloria: Oh Manny's here.
Sonia: I had to bring him back. He was driving me crazy with his googly eyes.
Manny: My eyes are but lifeless orbs compared to-
Sonia: Yeah, go get me a beer.

Gloria: How dare you take my son.
Sonia: How dare you take my business model.

Gloria: Listen, if you want the hot-sauce business, take it. It's yours.
Sonia: No, no. Your jealousy is all I need.
Gloria: I want to give you something that is very precious to me.
Sonia: Not Manny.

Gloria: Why is our gardener wearing your tuxedo?
Jay: Why is Néstor gone?
Gloria: Let me lock the door first.
Sonia: [through door] Gloria! You ruined my life again!