Phil: Sunday dinner! What?!
Cameron: The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious. Ustten!
Phil: What?
Cameron: It's Turkish for "from the top." I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.

Phil: And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope's on fire, and you're suspended over a bed of nails.
Luke: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
Phil: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear that holds the chalice of hope that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes- Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
Luke: I quit!

Phil: Sweet home Alduzzarna, it's The Foolmaker from "Clash of Swords" season five!
Mitchell: I'm only on season three. I feel lost. Help me.
Phil: Oh, okay. During the Feast of Figs, the Forest Prince banished Migolaf the Wanderer to the outer reaches of The Forsaken Realm. Migolaf waylaid the Iguodalan Dwarves and cursed the high cleric to an eternity of feeble-mindedness using the mighty scepter known as The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

Claire: Andy, do you think this is a great idea, considering that you and Haley are... You know... Doing it.
Andy: Mother nature!
Phil: Cheez-its!

Phil: Mother nature!
Andy: Cheez-its!
Phil: Andy. I did not know you were there.
Andy: Sorry. Stupid little cat feet.

Phil: Aah! Son of a Mitchell!

Phil: Wait, wait, wait, I need a break. Oh, John Philip Sousa!

Frank: Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.
Phil: Looking good yourself, Pops. How, uh... how you doing?
Frank: Well, I got my rings, got my vows. Now all I need is a way to escape. Please, someone help. [laughs] I'm kidding, of course. Actually, I'm really looking forward to being married.
Phil: Then- Then what's with the getaway bag?
Frank: Oh, I got to ask you to help me out with what I think is a doozy of a surprise. Come here. Get this. Mid-ceremony, you know, when you ask if anyone has any objections?
Phil: Yeah?
Frank: I'm gonna pull out a Tommy gun and tell you to skip that part.
Phil: Sweet maple syrup. I like it.
Frank: I'm just getting warmed up. I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint capsules. I even hired a few of the local theater people to help out.
Phil: And, uh, and Lorraine's cool with all this?
Frank: That's the beauty part. She doesn't know a thing about it 80% of comedy is surprise. The other 20% is wordplay.

Phil: I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.
Haley: Our lives?
Phil: You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says "Just listen to me.
I'm always right."
Haley: You mean her face?
Phil: Now we're getting this. If we're right this one time, then we never have to be right again. When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil," I say, "Manny's birthday."
Alex: "Take a jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna rain."
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: Don't look at me. Look at the road.
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: No, Dad, look at the road! There's a truck!
Phil: Sweet baby Jesus!